Ignore an Angry Boid At One's Email Peril

Scammers should invest a little time in actually reading the replies they get from intended victims.

Unless, of course, they're illiterate.

Perhaps Betty Williams is:

Dear friend in Christ,
I am very Sorry for intruding upon your privacy. My name is Betty
Williams from  Netherlands and married to Williams Campbell. I am a
preacher with the Seed Harvest Ministry church, and i got your address
from the Mt. Sinai Missionary Baptist Church website. I have been
recently diagnosed with Cancer and the doctor said I have less than 8
weeks to live. Since this sudden news was announced to me, I have been
reflecting over my life in the past. It is painful that after over 24
years of peaceful marriage with my late husband, we had no child of
our own that will inherit our wealth. In the past, I have made
reasonable donations to the victims of Earthquake in Haiti and Japan,
Now that my health is gradually deteriorating, I cannot continue to do
all these by myself any more. I strongly desire to reach out to the
poor and needy people in your country, but I would prefer to continue
this with the assistance of a kind person like you.

Please i want to donate this money to you so that you will utilize the
money to establish business investments that will create job
opportunities for the jobless population and less privileged, and open
a charity foundation in the name of I and my late husband. I will give
you more details only if you are willing and ready to handle this
project for me. Thank you.

Yours Faithfully
Mrs. Betty Williams
mrsbettywiilliams7@gmail.com   

"a kind person like you"...what kind, she apparently didn't reckon with as her original email went back to her edited as follows:

From: MRS. BETTY WILLIAMS <militaryauthoritydpt@gmail.com>

Sent: Tuesday, May 12, 2020 5:34 AM
Subject: GET BACK TO MY WTF ASAP

Dear friend steamed and sauteed in Mogen David,

I am very Sorry for intruding upon your privy at the moment you 

pushed out log with a paint-peeling aroma. Why don't you hang

signs?

My name is Betty Williams from Hither or Netherlands and married 

to William Campbell, the dead actor that played Trelayne so well on 

that Star Trek episode.  

I am a preacher with the Seed Wart Menstrual

church, and i got you a dress from the Mt. Sinai Missionary Hand-Me-

Downs Transgender Cross Dressers Barn website. Granted, I didn't know

your size, but this thing is big enough to cover Rosie O'Donnell's ass.

I have been recently diagnosed with an astrological sign and the doctor 

said I have less than 8 weeks to have it surgically removed or it will cause

my nipples to implode. 

Since this sudden news was announced to me, I have been snorting meth.

It is painful that after over 24 years of peaceful marriage to a wine bottle 

rack I never know'd wasn't a biological male of my generalized species, 

we had no child of our own that will inherit our lacquered dildo collection.

In the past, I have made surreal carvings of my bowel movements; now
that my mental health is gradually deteriorating, I cannot continue to do
all these by myself any more. I strongly desire to reach out to anyone 

who will commit to continue to make exotic carvings of my bowel 

movements after I am dead in your country, so I would prefer to continue
this with the assistance of a kind person like you.

Please i want to donate to you all the tools I used to carve my bowel

movements into things like commodo dragons, so that you will utilize the
tools in a manure that will create job opportunities at a time when jobs

are being shutdown because of a virus thing that's not even as scary as

Caitlyn Jenner in a thong.  

I will give you more details only if you are willing and ready to handle this
exceptionally peculiar project for me. Thank you.

Rubbit,
Mrs. Betty Williams
mrsbettywiilliams7@gmail.com

It became clear as mud that Williams did not read what I dun to her email, Ma:


Thank you so much for your response. I prayed for 3 days before
contacting you and i am happy to hear from you again. I thank God you
are willing to do this work of God for me and my late husband because
my heart is satisfied with you receiving this funds I cannot trust
anyone further except you.Thank you very much for being here for me.

Currently, the fund is still in the bank. Recently, my doctor told me
that I have serious sickness which is cancer problem. What disturbs me
most is my stroke sickness. Knowing my condition I decided to donate
this money to you so that you will utilize the money to establish
business investments that will create job opportunities for the
jobless population and less privileged, and open a charity foundation
in the name of I and my late husband, to promote the word of God, and
to make sure that the house of God is maintained.

The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that gives. I
took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit
this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I do not
want my husband’s efforts to be used by unbelievers. I do not want a
situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner. That’s
why I’m taking this decision. I’m not afraid of death, I know where
I’m going. I know that I’m going to be in the bosom of our creator.
Exodus 14 vs 14 says that the lord will fight my case and I hold my
peace.

This is what you need to do now to enable you receive the funds on my
behalf from the  Royal Bank of Scotland where the funds is deposited.
the amount is three million five hundred thousand british pounds sterling.
First of all, i will like you to contact my late husband Attorney
barriter Philips sessions, contact him by sending him an email, I have
notified him today of your contact to him.

Attorney Philips sessions
falconchambers2005@hotmail.com   

Since she did appear illiterate, I decided to encourage not only her, but her bannister as well:

Well, Ma'am, I'll tell ya:  it has been my experience, my unshakable experience, that using the Royal Bank of Scotland for ANYTHING is a sure fire way to get bent over and corn-holed by some Third World "intellect of tree stumps" characters of dubious antecedence.

I would rather use the International Bank of Fawg, UnLtd, than the Royal Bank of Scotland.

If you want to re-route this deal through the International Bank of Fawg, UnLtd, I am totally on board with you.   

It turns out that her bannister -- calling hisself Philips Sessions, Esq -- is somewhat more literate than she is; he even allowed for my requested change of bank.  However, other serious lapses in his comprehension of what I was sending would continue to plague his effort to give me the business:

Mr. Jack 

     I want you to know that i have received your letter to

this office through Mrs. Betty Williams. I am very happy to hear that you have decided and made up

your mind to assist my client, in this case i will do my best to

assist you and my sick client who the doctor had confirmed that her

life is going to end soon.

I am ready to go to any length to see that you achieve your dream

towards helping in this issue at hand. I will proceed to the high

court immediately to procure the change of ownership to enable you to contact

the bank in few days time.

You are to send the sum of 365 British pounds sterling to enable me proceed for the

change of ownership on your behalf.

BELOW IS THE PAYMENT DETAILS.

NAME: JONATHAN CHINEKWU OGU.

AGENT: MONEY GRAM.

Address: London Uk.

AMOUNT: 365 BRITISH POUNDS.

Send the payment slip immediately after the payment for proper documentation. Again do not forget to send to me your

full address and your personal ID card.

Please resend your document to me

Philips Sessions Esq

Barrister, Solicitors    

And thus, let the games begin:

 Did I read this correctly?  A 365 pound starling?   

Yes; you did read it correctly and the said charge fees is for the change of ownership which will give you the right to contact the bank.

I am expecting you to send the money by Monday, so that we can proceed.

Amount is in great British pounds sterling which is 365 pounds..

Regards.

Barrister Philips.   

Please clarify for me:  you actually want me to send you a 365 pound starling?

This will have an outcome on both shipping mode and cost.   

The pounds i am talking about is British pounds Ok.  Read the messages very well and go ahead and make the payment at once , so that we can move on without wasting any time.   

If I can find a 365 pound starling hereabouts, where do you want it sent?   

BELOW IS THE PAYMENT DETAILS.

NAME: JONATHAN CHINEKWU OGU.

AGENT: MONEY GRAM.

Address: London Uk.

AMOUNT: 365 BRITISH POUNDS STERLING.

Send the payment slip immediately after the payment for proper documentation. Again do not forget to send to me your

full address and your personal ID card.   

Okay, I will contact my nearest Money Gram tomorrow to see about sending you a 365 pound starling.   

OK  (so up to now, he is not reading these emails for squat).

So a day later, I throw this in:

There seems to be a problem.

The Money Gram clerk says that I cannot wire a 365 pound starling via their system.  Only money.

I can ship the 365 pound starling to you via DHL International.  Will that work?

Thanks to a lack of clarity on Phil's part, he thinks it sorta will:

you use the bank details below for the payment.

BANK DETAILS.

BANK NAME: FINECO BANK.

LONDON, ENGLAND, UK.

SORT CODE: 30-02-48

ACCOUNT NUMBER: 059 520 99.

IBAN: IT15 U030 1503 2000 0000 5952 099.

SWIFT/BIC: UNCRITMM.

A/C NAME/ CREDIT: JCO.

Please after making the payment send the payment slip to me. 

Philips Sessions Esq

Barrister, Solicitors   

Then, suddenly, ol' Philips decides that I'm taking too long to comply and perhaps a change of venue is what will help me get things done:

 I want you to send the money to our agent in Istanbul Turkey since you cannot send it to London United Kingdom...  the delay is getting out of hands..

DETAILS OF PAYMENT BELOW.

RECEIVERS NAME: YUSUF ALI.

ADDRESS:    Hanımefendi Sokak, 116, Şişli, Sisli, 34381 Istanbul, Turkey.

AGENT: RIA .

AMOUNT : 365 POUNDS STERLING.

 Send the payment slip after making the payment.

Barrister Philips   

"Getting out of hands"?  If only he were paying attention:   

Fine.  So I am sending a 365 pound starling to:

RECEIVERS NAME: YUSUF ALI.

ADDRESS:    Hanımefendi Sokak, 116, Şişli, Sisli, 34381 Istanbul, Turkey.

AGENT: RIA .

and sending it DHL International to the stated address above.  Have I got that right?

YES.  Please send payment soonest as this is take too long to execute.

Oh I don't know...slow execution is sometimes more fun and allows for fewer mistakes and lapses.   

Have you send the payment yet?  I need confirmation information.

Of course I have.  But you have to be patient:  it takes time to get a 365 pound starling into a packing crate and for DHL International to get it loaded for shipping all the way to Turkey.   Patience is a virtue.   

Finally...FINALLY...some degree of realization kicks in with the good bannister:

I am not sure what you are saying?  Use Money Gram to wire the 365 pound sterling.  

I already told you that Money Gram refused to send a 365 pound starling because it is totally unsuited to their modus operandi.  DHL International has to ship it because of its size and feistiness at being crated from here to Turkey.

This is no game I paly with you.  Wire the money and stop with what you are saying.

Whaddaya mean STOP?  I've already shipped it!!  DHL International will deliver the 365 pound starling you ordered to Yusuf Ali in Instantbull in a month or so, since it has to come by sea.  The starling might be down to 300 pounds by then.  Or very VERY angry.  Tell Yusuf to open the delivery with great caution.

With that, Bannister Philips gave up on his 365 pound starling.  Probably just as well, since this is what got jammed into the crate and shipped to Turkey...