Remaining Blessed If I Know...

Religion.  It's good for some things.

Not so good for others.

Never good when scammers invoke it.

Worse when it gets edited.

It neither starts nor ends well for Mrs. Mary Louis:

My Dear Friend,

Greetings to you.

Please do not view my plea as a contrived plot.My trusted family
attorney who would have executed my WILL & TESTAMENT on my behalf died
early this year after a brief illness.I therefore prayed fervently and
by the special grace of GOD,i was led to you.I am Mrs.Mary Louis,from
United Kingdom,I am 62 years old. I am suffering from cancer of the
lungs and it has affected part of my brain cells due to
complications.My condition is deteriorating and according to my
doctors i may not be alive in the next couple of months,unless there
is a divine intervention.

I was orphaned as a child and got married to late Engineer.Steve Louis
for twenty years without having an offspring.My late husband had
chronic cardiovascular condition and died of cardiac arrest few years
ago.Steve and I lived in Nigeria for over 18 years,where my husband a
petrochemical engineer by profession worked and rose through the ranks
and became an executive director in a multinational oil servicing and
exploration conglomerate, before his untimely death.He also
established huge private investments that i supervised before his
death and which forms the major source of our fortune.

Consequent upon the shocking demise of my priceless husband, i opted
as a rule, not to re-marry. When medical reports revealed that my
cancer ailment have become terminal & more so because i do not have a
direct next of kin to bequeath all that STEVE & I labored for,i sold
off all our choice assets,landed properties and other valuable family
treasures and deposited the proceeds amounting to USD$10,000,000.00
(TEN MILLION DOLLARS ONLY) with Uba Bank plc. The management of the
bank has written me as the sole beneficiary of the fund because of the
unserviceable status of the fund over the years and suggested to me in
a 2 paragraph statement to issue a letter of authorization to someone
who can manage the fund on my behalf because of my terminal illness
and also threatened that the fund could be
confiscated upon my failure to adhere to their rules and regulations s
clearly spelt out in their code of conduct.

I am on admission at the intensive care unit of a London
hospital,located at Fulham road in west London United Kingdom. It is
the leading cancer treatment hospital in the world.I am currently
undergoing treatment there for late-stage terminal cancer of the
lungs. I am computer literate, I rarely talk but has my personal
laptop with me and has the permission of my physicians to use it,hence
I am writing from my sick bed in the (ICU).It is my last WISH that 85%
of this fund is invested substantially in any charitable organization
of your choice and administered as you may deem fit,especially to the
orphanage homes.You are at liberty to also donate part of the funds to
churches and mosques and to those struck by natural disaster.I have
earmarked 5% of the total fund to run cost of administration of WILL &
TESTAMENT and also on logistics and other sundry arrangements that you
may require.

I crave your indulgence as a God fearing individual that equally has
high moral pedestal and who is also an uncommon humanitarian that
cares so much about the plight of the less-privileged as much as i do,
to take it upon yourself and use this fund for the above mentioned
purposes. This is a painstaking decision i have taken in other to help
humanity in my little capacity as a people driven entrepreneur and a
very God fearing woman before i bow to God's sovereignty.

Note that as soon as I receive your reply and personal information as
listed below, I shall avail you with the official contact information
of the Uba Bank plc officials,to enable you contact the Bank without
delays.I will also issue you with an official letter of
authorization,so that my bankers will recognize your status as the new
beneficiary of my ESTATE, FUND, WILL & TESTAMENT. Interestingly 10% of
the total sum is set aside as your compensation for accepting to play
this significant role for me and i hope you will appreciate my kind
gesture.

Let me remind you that the fund has an open beneficiary mandate and as
such,it is whom i personally authorize or appoint to act on my behalf
that the bank will ultimately recognize and release the funds to and
by this memo,the onus has fallen on you to assume this selfless and
noble responsibility that will catalyze change by exploring and
promoting the development of new interventions that will benefit the
poorest of the poor when the fund is transferred into your bank
account.

Please assure me that you will not treat this offer with levity but
will consciously yield my bequest continued existence.

Kindly send the information in this order:

(1) Your full names :============================= ======

(2) personal or official contact address:======================

(3) Home or Office phone#:============Cellphone#: ==========Fax#:=======

(4) Your Age:===============

(5)Occupation:================ ===========

(6)Sex/Marital status:======================= =

I Await your kind response while hoping you will appreciate my
helpless predicament.

Reply me through my private email address: mrsmarylouis4009@aol.com

May God bless your golden heart and soul.

Sincerely Yours,

Mrs.Mary Louis
(London Uk)   


I can't even muster up an awwwww for that one.  Neither can my editing gone wild pet rock, Seymour:

From: Mrs. Mary Louis <loouismary001@gmail.com>

Sent: Monday, May 4, 2020 9:50 AM
Subject: REMAIN SOCIALLY DISTANCED IN A HERD, FAR AWAY FROM THE CURD

Greetings to you.

Please do not view my plea as a contrived plot, even though it is.

My douche-nozzle of a family attorney who would have been executed 

for what he did to my WILL & TESTAMENT on my behalf, was trampled

by an elephant herd and counted as a COVID victim even though they

didn't find enough left of him to test.

I therefore prayed fervently and by the special grace of GOD I managed

to avoid the same elephant herd that stomped a mud hole in him.

I am Mrs Mary Louis, currently claiming to be from the United Kingdom.
I am 62 years old. I am suffering from cancer of the genitals caused by

exposure to COVID from a Chinese egg roll chef who passed within

6 feet of me in an open-air market during a Category 1 hurricane.

Just reading this template has affected part of my brain cells due to
how incredibly lame it is. My condition is deteriorating and according to my
tavern pharmacist i may not be alive in the next century because it's only 2020

and I'm already in my 60s.

I played an organ in an off-Broadway play and all the pounding of my keys

probably has nothing to do with this template.  Then I got married to late 

Engineer Robert Louis Stevenson for twenty years without having an offspring'

because he had no genitals and it took me twenty years to realize he was

poking me with a Ball Park frankfurter.  

My late husband had chronic projectile flatulence and was recorded as having

died of COVID after a satellite fell on his Yugo during a cnn ratings purge.  

Steve and I shoulda stayed in Nigeria, except the head shrinkers were looking

for us after we gave away their secrets to the DNC who has wanted a way to

shrink heads to fit their collapsing brains, which explains Jim Acosta since 

nothing logical can.

Consequent upon the shocking way my husband demised, i opted
to burn all the records showing my part in it.  When medical reports revealed

that my vagina was falling out and cancerfying due to COVID, Mers, Sars,

Ebola, West Nile Virus, Hantavirus, Wantavirus, Whatavirus and whatever else is

lurking in the basement of the DNC, i sold my story to cnn for $29.99

and an option for a made-for-cable movie.  I am supposed to be the 

next victim of whoever President Trump nominates for the US Supreme

Court, in case RBG farts and shatters in a dust cloud in the next couple

months or so.

I am supposed to be at the intensive care unit of a London
hospital, and will be after the six month waiting list quits getting

ever longer.  Socialized medicine sucks...just saying.

I am computer literate, I rarely talk but has my personal
laptop with me and has the permission of my physicians to use it,

hence I am writing email scams from my sick bed in the (ICU).

It is my last WISH that my genitals be donated to a sex change

clinic in Califorlornia; pick one of your choice and see that it is

administered as you may deem fit. You are at liberty to also 

donate my organs to a Wurlitzer rebushing facility.

But don't leave any parts of me for Joe Bidumb to grope.  He's a

total sleaze that only Alyssa Milano, Lisa Bloom and a house of 90

year old retired hookers somehow appreciate anyway.

Note that as soon as I receive your reply I will pass this along to 

an equally reprehensible schmuck who will undertake to get you

to send money as some kind of fee meant to procure documents

or what not.  If things work out right, we'll soak you two or three

times for the same fee before you finally grow a brain and realize

how totally full of Adam Schiff I am.

Let me remind you that Asian murder hornets have been given

your name, address and a compromising photo of you with

inflatable sheep, in case you decide not to cooperate.  Just sayin'.

Please assure me that you will not treat this offer with levity, or 

the murder hornets will be on their way and cnn will have the 

photo to run on Pimple Head Stelter's show so he has something

else to cry about.

Kindly send the information in this order:

(1) Your full names :============================= ======

(2) personal or official contact address:======================

(3) Home or Office phone#:============Cellphone#: ==========Fax#:=======

(4) Your Age:===============

(5)Occupation:================ ===========

(6)Sex/Marital status:======================= =

I Await your kind response while hoping you will not read too closely 

how ridiculous is my alleged predicament.

Reply me through my private email address: mrsmarylouis4009@aol.com

May God not have granted you a working brain.

Mrs. Mary Louis
(London UK or the basement of the DNC, wherever you don't look first)

Seymour's getting quite used to the lack of reply to edits like this.  He at least hopes the illustrations help make up for something.