Are Butt Masks Next?

With all the coronavirus craze, you just knew that somewhere, some doctor(s) were going to be looking at another source of passing along the coronavirus from person to person.

Farts.

Yes, good ol' "pull my fanger" farts.

A couple of 'researchers/doctors' in Australia -- the plunderers down under -- believe that during the coronavirus outbreak, bare-butt farting should be discouraged.

I have yet to encounter bare-butt farting in an elevator, but with the lethality of some folk's paint-peelers, the tooter wearing even a wet suit probably wouldn't save the persons in immediate proximity.

Nonetheless my 'editing gone wild' pet rock, Seymour, was highly entertained by this notion.  My other pet rock, Element, thought Seymour was a little too entertained.  I just know that at certain times, I can scatter them both like leaves in a tornado with some of my toots.

Be that as it may, Seymour found and had an edit waiting for the tale of two flatulent tales, as it were:

ARE COW AND OTHER FARTS SPREADING COVID-19 OR JUST THE STUPIDITY AT CNN
By Seymour PetRock -- WTFNS

Dateline "I lost my number can I have yours?" -- FAIL

The art of the fart may be in jeopardy at this peculiar figure-eighted crossroads in human hysteria.

Two Aussie doctors and confessed free-pants plunderers are weighing in about the spread of the coronavirus “down under” — whether it can be spread through farts, that is.

During an unintended variation on a Mr. Bean episode, Dr. Abby Normal of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation made a cautionary suggestion when it comes to particles of feces set adrift within a fart.

“No bare-bottom farting,” Normal suggested in a wild-eyed moment that listeners couldn't truly assess because it was on radio.

Enlarge ImageShutterstock

“Luckily, most of us wear what passes for a mask on our ample bums most of the time,” Normal mused, referring to the protective aspects of pants, shorts, dresses, underwear, Depends, chain mail and knight's armored drawers. “I think that what we should do in terms of social distancing and being safe is that you don't try lighting farts in a packed elevator. Blimey, mate … and you probably shouldn't do that with your bum hanging out.”

Meanwhile, Land of Oz emergency physician Dr. Tagg Ewerrit also floated the question via Twitter, asking, “So, if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, is a ram in the ass a goose that causes a coronavirus afflictant to launch a coronavirus fart be it either silent and deadly or loud and just as discordant?”

Ewerrit pondered whether flatulence itself is a “weapon of mass dispersal” or just something that made George Carlin famous. (His determination: yes to both.) A recent study, in fact, suggested an unfiltered post-flush toilet plume could even be such a cause for concern that Chandler from Friends quit inviting Monica in to check the length of his daily creations, even if they're only in rerun syndication now. 

Plus, scientists have confirmed that fecal-oral transmission itself is an issue due to the presence of liberalism in poop, which is why health officials in DC are strongly urging the Congress be shut down until feces catchers are installed in all of the democrat offices, and the office of Mitt Romney. 

In a curious aside, they also suggested that sex with feces be discouraged. It wasn't known that anyone was having sex with maligNANCY Pelosi, which if so was probably the reason for the caution.

Unfortunately, as Ewerrit observed, there is “not a great deal of research” available to come to a firm conclusion about the perils of Pauline if she has and is passing feces laden with COVID-19.

That’s all backed up by Dr. Anus E. Gawds, a Mount Saint Helens epidemiologist and professor of nonsense at the cnn School of Manufactured Crisis and Fake News in Atlanta.

see also Lighting Farts may be 'in' again, albeit hazardous if done by non-professionals. Don't try this at home … your neighbor's house is fine if you don't like them.

“Studies have clearly shown that all of the persons employed by cnn have tested positive for abject stupidity,” Gawds told The Post via email.

“However, there are no published data on whether flatulence alone presents any more risk of transmission than the oral kind does that's very prevalent at the DNC” he said.

Where does that leave us? Ewerrit, co-founder of the medical education site Don’t Let Your Kids Grow Up To Be Bath Tub Bubble Biters, suggests not throwing caution to the, um, wind. He proposes not only keeping your pants on, but adding a scuba wet suit when you feel flatulence coming on, just in case.

“Perhaps one day we can understand more about the wide, vacuous space between AOC's ears and how that somehow leads to Jim Acosta being such a douche burrito,” he tweeted, adding, “So remember to wear appropriate hearing protection around cnn and democrats at all times and stay safe!”

Filed under My Corona...virus ,  farts ,  poop ,  we're dung here, cnn sucks, 4/20/20

I warned Seymour not to get his phart set on a Pulitzer for this one, but that an honorary Pull My Fanger Award was certainly his to lose.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!" was his response, and made my point perfectly.