Even Gawd Can't Hit A One Iron

From a golf joke I heard long ago, as I tried and never mastered a one iron either.

But I sorta digress.

I get lots of scams that are based in religion.  Lots of folks like to run scams based on religion.  Robert Tilton, aka Pastor Gas, comes to mind.

And so do a whole lot of Third World scammers.

Like this one with a bit of an unusual take:


Dear Good Friend,

 I am here because i read there are people here, to make a lot of difference in this life.i think you can make a lot of difference if we talk , become good friends in our lord , and see that with greater power , comes greater responsibility . You can make a change in the life of others,most especially the poor at heart , and the less privileged. first. I think i would start all with a proper introduction of myself .

I am Missionary Clara Johnson a widow to Late Paul Johnson. I am 61 years old,suffering from long time cancer of the breast . From all indications , my condition is really deteriorating and is quite obvious that I may not live more than two months after my next surgery , because the cancer stage has gotten to a very severe stage . My personal physician told me that I may not live for more than 2 months and I am so scared about it . I have no child of mine , even though i wish i had . It is late now you know , since i can not get married again , and age is no longer on my side.

Psalms 119:116 Uphold me according unto thy word, that I may live, and let me not be ashamed of my hope.

Psalms 138: 7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou will revive me......

Psalms 145:18 Psalms 57: 7 My heart is fixed. O God my heart is fixed, I will sing & give praise

Psalms 51: 17 The sacrifices of God are broken spirit, a broken & contrite heart, O God thou will not despise.

psalms 41: 1 Blessed is he that considereth the poor, the Lord will deliver him in time of trouble.

Two of my favorite verses: Philippians 2:27: For indeed he was sick nigh unto death, but God had mercy on him & that on him only, but on me also,lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow.( I always say this in my mind)

So, I now decide to divide part of my wealth, by contributing to the development of the motherless baby homes, needy, poor, charity homes and widows too.i am willing to donate the sum of $10.000,000.00, which is still the major inheritance i have left.i wish you could be someone who i could trust with all my heart,to make this wish of mine come true.

Please note that, this fund is lying in a bank. so i need you to use the funds to help the poor . I know this is hard , and it take a very strong heart to get this done , but you should keep this saying in your heart , I am like Moses in the Bible . He came to the Red Sea and Pharaoh behind him and no way to turn but God delivered him all by a miraculous deliverance . It will be a miracle from God to be able to help all the dear people God has laid on our hearts .

This is why with God in my heart,i contact you,and i want you to contact me,so we be in contact with all the poor souls out there . Give new lives , hopes and days . I have come to find out that wealth acquisition without Christ is vanity and i hope you will agree with this also . I will be praying hard that Satan will not stop this effort . Do contact me and i will tell you more of what you wish to know .

Your swift Response will highly be appreciated : [?&cs=wh&v=b&to=cj0040065@gmail.com]cj0040065@gmail.com

God bless you.
Yours in Christ  


Alrighty then.

My two 'editing gone wild' pet rocks, Seymour and Element, fought over who'd get stuck with this edit, since neither likes to piss off the Great Disposer of Events.

And in an epic round of paper-scissors-rock-catapult-flamethrower, my other scambaiting character lost.

So it fell to Jack to do this edit in a manure that wouldn't have that same Great Disposer of Events try to hit Jack better than He could a one iron:


From: Yours in Pie Crust <cj004006@gmail.com>
Sent: Tuesday, January 21, 2020 3:48 PM
To: jackedupkickswithlightsaberarmedmarmots101@hotmail.com
Subject: Dear Me My Uvula Is Drooping Again

 

I am here because i read there are people here.  Where people are is where I seek to be, since without people being where I am getting to, I can't pull off some of the total sh*t I'm trying to pull off.  I can't do this crap to yaks, Yugos, fire hydrants, Salad Shooters, genital enhancements, spatulas or hang nails.  I think I can make some difference in your financial life if we talk and I can sell you the patented bunk I'm pitching in this particular template.  For to know a sock puppet sex toy is to see a greater perversion with which comes little to no responsibility . You can make a change in the life of others by deluding and f**king them over.

First, I think I need to mislead you on who I am:  I am Missionary Position trainer Clara Johnson.  I killed and ate my last three mates, and am now suffering from long time gastrointestinal fallopian tubular cramps of the breast. From all indications, my condition is really impossible to have, and is quite obvious that any doctor I see will not be able to come remotely close to such a diagnosis murder without a lot of coaching and Demerol.  My personal physician told me that as a result of my condition, he was transitioning into a gender-neutral non-binary battery-operated vaginal porcupine, and I am so scared about it.  So I fired 'it' and have retained a manatee that claims to have an online OB-GYN degree from the Eunuchversity of Kaliforlornia at Berkeley.  I expect results that are almost as incredible as maligNANCY Pelosi getting a fourth working brain cell after all the wine she's downed.

Now for some scripture quotes I'm sure you'll find totally cornfusing:

Psalms 911: Uphold me according unto thy ability to defy gravity, that I may not fall down and go boom, distressing the Seismic Institute in Golden CO.

Harold Be Thy Name Formula 44:  Though I walk in the midst of flatulence, I shall be fine as long as no one lights it.

 Sphincters 90210: My heart is fixed and can no longer reproduce.

Phuckstick 27-7:  The sacrifices of Ford Pintos comes too late for the movie Top Secret.

CNN 69: Blessed if anyone can figure out how this suckass network is still on the air.

 Two of my favorite verses: Fallopian Tubes 2:27: Oh what through yon virginity breaks, it is Qasem Soleimani after he got Trumped, and he finds only virgin porcupine tail pipes await him; and Hot Buttered Nutcups 1:11:  But dear me also, lest I should have army ants marching through my inserted tampon ( I always say this in my mind).

 So, I now decide to divide my M&M collection by colors, with the plan of eating the blue ones last.  I will however donate the red ones i have left, since they remind me of my last period.

Please note that at the very bowels of all this is a excrement-dipped voodoo doll that looks very much like Adam Schiff after it had anal sex with maligNANCY Pelosi during the impearment herrings in the debasement of the DNC.  I know this is hard, and it take a very strong ability to drink five gallons of Boone's Farm wine to get this done , but you should keep this saying in your heart:  who did I piss off in my previous lives to get a shit storm like this?  For I am like Jim Acosta trying to butt boink Rachel Madcow during ratings week at CNN. He came to the democrap debates with Lieawatha behind him and Weak End of Bernie before him, and Joe Bidumb not knowing which end was which, but through a miraculous commercial break, he found himself watching a streaking sheep at a Clydesdale football game in a Budweiser ad.  It will be a miracle if he can explain it to Greta Thunberg without her practiced indignance demanding "how DARE

he".  

 This is why when I peed on an electric fence, I suddenly got a part as Jar Jar Binks in a future Star Wars episode.  In this vein i contact you, and i want you to contact me, so I can see by your contact, that you contacted me...and I can see by your contact you contacted me too...we see by our contacts, that we are both contacted...if you have a contact you can be a contact too with all the poor souls out there that have no idea what any of this means.  I have come to find out that acquisition of pie without crust is vanity and i hope you will not have your cake and eat her too, if Cake is your girlfriend's name.  I will be praying hard that Satan will not bet on the 49ers over the Chiefs in the Super Bowl. Do contact me and i will tell you more of what you can't even begin to want to know about this carrying on my wayward sh*thouse wombat from Kansas.

 Your swift Response will highly be depreciated as soon as you drive it off the lot: cj0040065@gmail.com

Godzilla farts.
Yours in dildo  


As would become evident within a day, ol' Clara don't read as good as she sez she does.

Next up:  Part 2.