Homeland Insecurity

When you get an email from the department of homeland security -- the very small caps version -- you just KNOW that it's worthy of at least a triple face palm.

Here's how this one started:


U.S. DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY,
MG Timothy J. Lowenberg,Adjutant General and Director State Military Department Washington Military Dept., Bldg1 Camp Murry ,Wash 98430-5000 USA

GOOD DAY TO YOU.

I HOPE THIS MAIL FINDS YOU IN GOOD SPIRIT AND IN GOOD HEALTH? BECAUSE I AM QUITE AWARE OF YOUR LOSSES IN THE PAST YEARS NOW, IT MAY SURPRISE YOU THAT I AM ALSO AWARE OF YOUR CONSIGNMENT DHL DELIVERY PURSUIT IN BENIN GHANA TOGO NIGERIA SPAIN FRANCE MALAYSIA INDONESIA CHINA AND KOREA .MY NAME IS MR. David Haris,THE SECRETARY OF U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY OF AMERICA , AM IN CHARGE TO MONITORED ALL FOREIGN TRANSACTIONS IN AFRICA EUROPE AMERICA AND ASIA.

I HAVE BEEN IN THE U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY NOW SINCE THE GOVERNMENT OF PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP, MONITORING THE VARIOUS TRANSACTIONS GOING ON IN AFRICA, EUROPE AMERICAN AND ASIA, MOST ESPECIALLY CONSIGNMENTS CASES AND BANK TRANSFER. I DO NOT INTEND TO SPOIL YOUR DAY OR TO PUT YOU UNDER DURESS.

BUT YOU CAN NOT RECEIVE ANY OF YOUR Funds PURSUIT, WITHOUT A CLEARANCE FROM THE U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY. HOWEVER, UPON MY ARRIVAL IN AMERICA AFTER SERIES OF MEETINGS WITH OUR PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP AND UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY GENERAL BAN KI-MOON, DUE TO NUMEROUS COMPLAINS FROM OTHER SECURITY AGENCIES FROM AFRICA ASIA, EUROPE, AMERICA, OCEANIA, ANTARCTICA,SOUTH AMERICA AND THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA RESPECTIVELY, AGAINST THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT AND AFRICAN OVER THE RATE OF SCAM/FRAUDULENT ACTIVITIES GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY AND AFRICA.

WHEN I ARRIVE IN THE WASHINGTON PARLIAMENT IN AMERICAN, I FOUND YOUR CONSIGNMENT ATM CARD CLEARANCE FILE LYING ON THE FOREIGN AFFAIR OFFICE DESK WITHOUT ANY ATTENTION ON A THOROUGH SCRUTINY I DISCOVERED THAT YOUR CONSIGNMENT HAVE BEEN ABANDONED BY YOUR DELIVERY AGENT. MEANWHILE, I WAS MADE TO UNDERSTAND THAT THEY HAVE TRY TO REACH YOU, BUT NO WAY AND THEY HAVE MADE SEVERAL ATTEMPTS TO CONTACT YOUR DELIVERY AGENT BUT TO NO AVAIL.  


It goes on for a few more rambling paragiraffes and finally gets down to where I get my money after I send $200 USD.

This is, after all, what the US Department of Homeland Security was created for.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

But now, thanks to an edit by 'editing gone wild' pet rock Element, this particular department has a new poipose:



From: HOMELAND SECURITY <jair@lidernet.com.br>
Sent: Saturday, February 8, 2020 1:12 PM
Subject: CANS OF CORNED BEETS DEAD ON ARRIVAL FROM  HOMELAND SECURITY,

  

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY,
MG Timothy J. Lowenboig, Adjutant General and Director State Department Washington Dept., Bldg1 Camp WTF, Wash 98430-5000 USA

'TIS TO LAUGH..LAUGH LAUGH..I THOUGHT I'D DIE...IT SEEMED SO FUNNY TO ME.  LAUGH LAUGH...YOU MET A DUCK...WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW IT FEELS TO BE...RONERY..OH SO RONERY..

I HOPE THIS MAIL FINDS YOU ON YOUR FOURTH BOTTLE OF RIPPLE? 

I HAVE BEEN IN THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY NOW SINCE THE GOVERNMENT OF PRESIDENT WOODROW WILSON, MONITORING THE VARIOUS TRANSENGENDERED GOINGS ON IN AFRICA, EUROPE AMERICAN AND ASIA, MOST ESPECIALLY CONSIGNMENTS OF ASSORDID BOXES LABELLED 'REPLACEMENT GENITALS FOR GENDER-NEUTRAL NON-BINARY OCTOSEXUAL ORTHOPODS'. I DO NOT INTEND TO SPOIL YOUR DAY OR TO PUT YOU UNDER DURESS, BUT NONE OF THESE SHIPMENTS BELONG TO YOU.

BUT YOU CAN RECEIVE ANY OF THESE SHIPMENTS IF YOU SEND IN FOUR BOX TOPS FROM WHEATIES AND EXPLAIN IN 200 WOIDS OR LESS WHY YOU THINK WHEATIES DID TO BRUCE/CAITLYN JENNER PERXACTLY WHAT THEY DUN.  AND YOU CAN DO THIS WITHOUT A CLEARANCE FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY. HOWEVER, UPON MY ARRIVAL IN AMERICA AFTER SERIES OF MEETINGS WITH OUR PRESIDENT WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON AND EUNUCHED NATIONS SUCKRETARY GENITAL BAN MAI-MOON, THERE HAS BEE'D NUMEROUS COMPLAINS FROM CNN, MS13NBC, ABC, CBS, NBC, THE NYSLIMES, WASHPO AND DNC ABOUT NO SUPPORT FROM AFRICA ASIA, EUROPE, AMERICA, OCEANIA, ANTARCTICA, SOUTH AMERICA AND THE UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS RESPECTIVELY, AGAINST THE DEMOCRAPS IN CONGRESS OVER THE RATE OF SCAM/FRAUDULENT ACTIVITIES GOING ON IN THAT CAUCUS.  YOU SEE'D WHAT THEY DUN TO IOWA, RIGHT?

WHEN I ARRIVE IN THE WASHINGTON PARLIAMENT IN AMERICAN, I FOUND YOUR SEXUALLY AROUSED SOCK PUPPETS CLEARANCE FILE LYING ON THE FOREIGN AFFAIR OFFICE DESK WITHOUT ANY ATTENTION ON WHETHER OR NOT RUSSIANS, CHINESE OR THE ONE WAYWARD SON OF CHEESEBURGER FROM NEWARK HAD DONE ANYTHING UNSPEAKABLE THEREIN, THEREON OR THEREWITH.

TO MY GREATEST SURPRISE, RIGHT BEFORE MY VERY EYES, CHICAGO WROTE SONG LYRICS SORTA KINDA LIKE THIS.  IT WAS NOT A NUMBER 1 BILLBOARD HIT ON DR. DEMENTO'S SHOW.  IT DID HOWEVER CAUSE MALIGNANCY PELOSI TO UNQUIT DRINKING AND SNIFFING GLUE THE PAST 20 YEARS.  AND IT SHOWS.

BASED ON THIS PERSONAL DISCOVERY, I AM CONTACTING YOU NOW TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WITH MY POSITION AND POWER AS THE ONE AND ONLY GENDER-NEUTRAL NON-BINARY OCTOSEXUAL ORTHOPOD BELONGING TO THE FLAT EARTH SOCIETY, I CAN'T ASSIST YOU TO LEGALLY CLEAR UP ANYTHING; YOU CAN, HOWEVER, PRINT AND SHOW THIS EMAIL TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, PROVING THAT YOU'VE HEARD FROM A TRULY ONE-OF-A-KIND DUMBED-DOWN EDUCATION SYSTEM THAT ALSO CREATED AOC.

BUT YOU MUST AGREE WITH THE FOLLOWING CONDITIONS. BECAUSE I HAVE CALLED OUR OFFICE IN WASHINGTON,DC FROM MY OFFICE, WHO HAS BEEN INTERCEPTING ALL YOUR TELEPHONE CALLS, TRANSLATING THEM INTO AZERBAIJANI, AND SENDING THEM TO SOUTH PARK'S SCOTT THE DICK IN CANADA IN THE EARLY HOURS.  HE BLAMES TERRENCE AND PHILIP, AT LEAST FOR NOW.

YOU ARE ADVICE TO HENCE FORT STOP FURTHER DEALINGS WITH ALL THE ABOVE MENTIONED LAMESTREAM SERVILE MEDIOCRE FAKE NEWS OUTLETS, UNTIL WE COMPLETE OUR INVESTIGATION. BECAUSE YOUR DEALING WITH THEM IS TERMED "PAINFUL RECTAL ITCH WITH A MALIGNANCY PELOSI AND FULL OF SCHIFF" TRANSACTION.

I WISH TO INFORM THAT WE THE HOMELAND SECURITY IS ON LOOK OUT FOR ANY BASEBALL CARDS THAT SHOW RICHARD BLUMENTHAL PLAYED IN VIETNAM IN 1492 ON THE COLUMBUS MAYFLOWER PROJECT.

I WANT YOU TO PLEASE STOP COMMUNICATING AND DEALING WITH THEM UNTIL WE COMPLETE OUR NEW DOSSIER THAT IMPLICATES YOU IN COLLUSION WITH REPUBLICANS ON URANUS THAT ARE TRYING TO UNDERMINE HELLARY'S CLINTON'S CORONATION FOR THE PRESIDENCY IN 1968.  IT WAS THEN THAT WE REALIZED WHAT WE WERE CONSULTING ON THE WALL WAS A COLLANDER.  IT SAID HALLMARK ON IT, SO WE THOUGHT IT WAS ALL GOOD, BUT IT STRAINED US.

ACCORDINGLY, WE HAVE WAIVED AWAY ALL YOUR FLYING MONKEY RESTRICTIONS TO ALLOW ME FLY WITH PROJECTILE FLATULENCE TO YOU WITHOUT ANY DELAY WHICH NO ONE KNOWS WHY THEY'VE AGREED TO.  THE ONLY FEE I PRAY SOME NINCOMPOOP WILL PAY TO CONFIRM THAT THIS CRAPPY TEMPLATE WORKED ONCE IS SUM OF $200.00 ONLY.

HERE IS MY CONTACT DETAILS YOU CAN, TEXT ME VIA TEXT FOR MORE DETAILS ON HOW TO MAKE JIM ACOSTA CRY:

MY PHONE:  +1 202 235-0417

MY EMAIL:  davidharis@citromail.hu


REGARDS:

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY,
MG Timothy J. Lowenboig, Adjutant General and Director State Department Washington Dept., Bldg1 Camp WTF, Wash 98430-5000 USA

 

 

I don't expect that Element will get anything back from the scammer, though he might rate a death threat from the DNC or CNN...