1600 And An Edit For The Ages

My pet rock, Seymour, campaigned mightily to be the 1600th post on this blog.

And his contribution won me over.

Seymour -- a voracious absorber of the nincompoop news out there -- saw the latest climate panic stories from 11,000 "scientists" claiming moral responsibility to demand that we stop living, so that Earth can.

Quoting Seymour, "PHFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

So he took one example from the latest surge in leftist drivel and took a few creative liberties therewith:



Thousands of Persons Wearing White Scientist-Looking Frocks Declare a State of Hysteria If The View Stays On The Air

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

Thousands of persons masquerading as scientists from around the world have mobilized to warn people of an impending global ice cream supply emergency if levels of methane gas generated by the Democrap Party are not significantly reduced.

More than 11,000 of these Halloween refugees have signed a declaration stating "X is the unknowd factor and O is it's moral enemy in Tic Tac Toe”. They went on to say in Azerbaijani that “clearly and unequivocally humans could endure no more Joy Behar and the massive suffering her sound bytes cause if massive changes aren't made to the cable telesphere, according to an article published in the Onion-like journal BioDegrading Puppet Sex on Tuesday, exactly 101 years after the First World War ended in theaters in Newark.

(MORE: What to know about the Paris climate accord, and how the Honda Accord is vastly superior to it)

At that conference, Halloween refugees from 50 nations agreed that alarming trends tied to Adam Schiff required urgent action, and since then, similar warnings have been made at the 2014 Comic Con Summit, the 1997 Krispy Creme Protocol and the 2015 Paris Follies Agreement, according to the article, which claims that the world has conducted "business as hyperbole" since then and has largely failed to address the issue of how many genders there actually aren't.

"Frock-coated Halloweeners have a moral obligation to clearly warn the daughters of mothers everywhere to avoid leftist man buns, sitting in the forest, screaming at tree stumps" the piece states.

Despite the explicit warnings, methane gas from the DNC and House Lack-of-Intel Crimemittee is still "rapidly rising" and continuing to damage the few remaining sort-of-working brain cells at the DNC, according to the article.

(MORE: The Earth is warning Pluto not to invade Uranus. Here are the top reasons that cnn is freaked out, according to South Park)

"Troubling" human activities that contribute to Earth's clusterphucked leftists include sustained increases in BS from cnn, ms13nbc, the nyslimes, washpoo, DNC, Bela Pelosi, Hellary Clinton and the pile of useless flab on the set of The View, the article states.

The impacts from the rising hysteria at Berkeley include rapidly disappearing intellect, according to the article.

What the scientists find "especially worrisome" is a potentially irreversible loss of foot-long hotdogs at sporting event tailgating parties, if that nincompoop AOC has her ill-educated way with cows.

"These issues highlight the urgent need for a crapload of timeouts for the Left in this and other countries," the article states.

(MORE: What you can do to help prevent democraps wrecking your locality, according to experts)

However, some "encouraging signs" of progress include decreases in ratings for cnn, decelerated attention in Hellary's excuses for having lost in 2016, increases in the realization that Epstein didn't kill himself, and the proportion of memes involving the shrieking blonde vs the snarky white cat, according to the article.

"To secure a sustainable future, we must ignore insane democraps," the article states. 


To create the changes necessary, the Halloween refugees recommend:

• Implementing massive overhaul of cnn's morons.
• Promptly reducing sound bytes from Congressional Democraps.
• Protecting and restoring common sense.
• Eating mostly well-prepared tasty animals while reducing the global consumption of tofu and really badly-made coleslaw around the world.
• Curtailing the excessive mental breakdown of the Left regarding political correctness, gender identity and abject stupidity driven by suck ass media and lousy leftist professors.
• Stabilizing and ideally, gradually reducing creating idiots like AOC "within a time frame that promises to renew social integrity."

I doubt this will net Seymour the Pulitzer he thinks he rates, but I am convinced beyond all doubt that it will get him on Hellary's "suicides to-do" list.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"