Skunkfeathers: Airlines Lose All Sorts of Things

Things like the 'thing' depicted to the right is understandably lost by not only airlines. But I digress.

Of late, I'm getting a lot of notifications of lost consignments at assorted airports with my character's name allegedly attached.

I can only imagine how amusing that would be for real.

Here's the latest effort to give my character that kind of business:

Your Abandoned Consignment .

I am Mrs.Barbara Sharon, Director of the Inspection Unit here in
International Air Transport Association (IATA) NY, It's my sole
responsibility to inform you that during the 2nd of March, 2019
routine check on abandoned parcels/packages at the Airport Storage
Vault Security House, I discovered an abandoned metal trunk box that
belongs to you from a Delivery Agent of Walter brothers securities
Company and when it was scanned at the Airport scanning machine, it
revealed an undisclosed of   Consignment and one Mr.Edward Kelly from
Texas has been sending series of email/fax to me thereby trying to
convince me that you are dead and that you also assigned him to
receive this withheld consignment on your behalf. True or false?

Meanwhile, please note that, the metal trunk box was abandoned due to
the content of the metal trunk box was not declared   by the delivery
agent rather it was declared as Photograph materials in other to
avoid interrogation and also due to the inability of the delivery
agent to secure an IRREVOCABLE DELIVERY PERMIT CERTIFICATE before
bringing in the metal trunk box into John F. Kennedy International
Airport, NY. Furthermore, on my assumption, the abandoned metal trunk
box contains not less than 13kg and it is still left in our Storage
Vault Security House here in John F.Kennedy International Airport, NY
till date and it is been tagged with your name and your address,
However, in other to confirm if you are the actual recipient of
this consignment, as the director of the inspection unit, I will like
you to respond to this email letter immediately because i am the
only person who know all this so you can get back to me with the
reconfirmation listed details below:

Cell Phone number:
Home address:
Date of birth:
Current occupation:
Passport ID Card:

N/B: The reason for the re:confirmation of the requested details is to
cross check if it correspond with the information's attached on the
metal trunk box. Please take note that your withheld metal trunk box
which contains approximately 10.5M is supposed to have been sent to
the United States Treasury Department as unclaimed consignment.
Without delay, you are advised to respond to this email letter
immediately you receive this message. Also, be aware that, once the
above requested details is been re:confirmed by you and you are able
to secure an IRREVOCABLE DELIVERY PERMIT CERTIFICATE, as the director
of the inspection unit, I give you 100% iron guarantee that the
delivery of your consignment of the metal trunk box will be effected
through a courier service within 24hours for more verification/proofs
contact me through this private email for security reason. Or i will
help you deliver it to your address with our aircraft to avoid any
further interception.

Please the CIA also confirmed to us that you should ignore any further
email or call from those called scammer that the have been deceiving
you for so long and also ripping your hard earn money this package
could have been sent to you for long but do to their greediness as
SCAMMER'S they need your money you recently SENT to them money in
respect of this consignment and also failed you. Please if you know
what is good for you stop further communication with those group of
scammers, Furthermore the CIA is watching your communication to avoid
any immediate arrest.

Thank you,

Mrs. Barbara Sharon

Nothing like being scammed by someone with two first names.

With a proper edit, their interest seems to fade a bit:

Attn: Sir
*yes, I just assumed your gender...so sue me....see what I just did there?*

Your Abandoned Consignment Suffering Anxiety Separation Issues

I am Mrs. Barbara Sharon, a two first-named Director of the

Genital Inspection Unit here in International Gender Assorting

And Assigning Transport Association (IGAATA) NY, It's my sole
responsibility to inform you that during the 2nd of March, 2019
routine check on abandoned records here found a parcel that

contained badly-worn Beatles records from the early and mid

1960s. Upon further inspection it was determined that these

records were badly worn because they had been exclusively

played backwards, as if the owner was seeking to find those

purported "demonic lyrics and sublemonable messages" one

was supposed to be able to hear when playing them backwards.

You might ask what someone like me -- a two first-named

director of the Genital Inspection Unit here in the IGAATA is

doing looking at and listening to well-worn phonograph

records that were overplayed backwards.

Think about it for a moment, and that should be oblivious.

Further, I discovered an abandoned metal trunk box that
belongs to you from a Delivery Agent of Walter brothers securities
Company and when it was scanned at the Airport it revealed an

undisclosed number of missing emails from Hellary Clinton that

even Wikileaks didn't have.

Jeopardy Daily Double: are you the one that hit Annie in the

fanny with a flounder at a singles bar in Georgetown in 2016?

True or false?

Meanwhile please note that there is a four hundred pound

blue-haired feminincompoop that hates you because you're

male and you won't go out with her. Just sayin'.

In order for me not to run to Bela Pelosi and cnn with photoshops

showing you leaving a Motel 6 in DC last year with a yak and

an inflatable Cortez broad sex toy at 2:45am, you must quickly

if not quickerer comply and secure for me a document that

was got up here called a IRREVOCABLE DELIVERY PERMIT CERTIFICATE

within the next 24 hours. And if you act NOW you will receive

absolutely free, a complete unredacted report of Maxine Waters'

brain scan.

Actually, it's a blank sheet of paper, but in the end it's the same

thing.

So get back to me with the following:

Cell Phone number:
Home address:
Date of birth:
Current occupation:
Passport ID Card:

Please the CIA also confirmed to us that a thorough analysis of you

resulted in a rating of four out of five possible WTFs on their scale

of figuring out how much Fusion GPS paid to create your dossier.