The Horrified Scammer

I have a feeling that in going on 14 years of this blog and 19 years of emails screwed with and edited, this reaction is not new to scammers who had the misfortune to contact my assorted characters.

Once in a while, they'll actually tell me about  it.

Like this one got around to...see how she started out:


Hello My Dear ,

Please do away with this letter if you're unable to assist me.

My name is Katherine Ross Creamer from Sovereign, London. I’m suffering from liver cancer at stage IVB and my health has deteriorated excessively. According to the medical analysis that was carried out on me showed that the liver cancer has spread to other parts of my body. The doctor advised me to quit sins and follow the ways of the Lord that could enable me inherit the kingdom of heaven when I die. He further said I may not live beyond one month because of the stage the liver cancer has reached, his statement kept me worried and with recourse to this selfless cause is the reason I contacted you to accomplish my last wish.

Can you embark on charity work if the resource is made available? That’s my last wish as I could not do it when I was health, you will be rewarded handsomely if you can handle this project. I wait to hearing from you as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely,

Katherine Creamer  


"Please do away with this letter if you're unable to assist me".  That's a somewhat unique way of starting an attempted scam.  And my character was quick to key on that when it came time for a little creative editing:



From: Mrs Katherine Creamer <katherinecreamer@siren.ocn.ne.jp>
Sent: Tuesday, September 4, 2018 7:45 AM
Subject: Yes, You Read This Right

 

Please do away with this letter if you're unable to assist me without laughing.  Yes, you read that right.  I want you to do away with this letter.  The method and means of how you do away with it I leave to your most primal of instincts.  Kim Jong Un of North Korea uses packs of hungry dogs and anti-aircraft guns to do away with his unworthies.  You can make use of simpler means if that is your wish.  Just do it.

My name is Katherine Ross Creamer from Sovereign, London, and I approve this message.

I’m suffering from painful rectal itch at stage IVB of Pinewood Studios -- where they shot parts of all the 007 movies -- and my health has deteriorated excessively doing stunt fill-ins for all the SPECTRE villains who had various demises during the history of that movie series.  Buried in mud.  Dumped down a smoke stack.  Sunk on an underwater floundominium.   Eaten by piranha, sharks and Jaws.  According to the medical analysis that was carried out on me it showed that I had no right to live, therefore my treatment is being ended and I am living my last days as a crash test dummy.

 The doctor advised me to quit sins and follow the ways of the Farce that could enable me inherit the kingdom of Yoda where I could live to be 900, look like hell, talk funny and have someone's hand up my ass all the time.

I fired my doctor.

I may not live beyond one month after the advent of Uranus over Marsupial in the Gregorian calendar, but since no one has one of those, no one hear knows when that is.  Something of a reprieve, I reckon.

That isn't the reason I contacted you to accomplish a rather perverted wish of mine.  It involves anal sex, goats and a whoopee cushion.

Can you embark on something akin to that or anything remotely similar?  Because if you can, I am glad that I don't know you, you demented f**kstick.

That’s my last wish as I could not do it when I was mentally healthy;  you will be led to believe that you will be rewarded handsomely if you can handle this project.  Probably with cast-rubber genitals or something.  I wait to hearing from you as soon as possible.

Katherine Panty Creamer  

 

 

Who or what is passing for the scammer apparently actually read this edit, and the reply was glorious:

 

 

this is horrible of you!  

 

 

I only followed your original instructions, and did away with your letter...by fixing it.  You must admit, it was rather more spunky than your spiral downer of a missive.  

 

 

Lil' Miss Creamer didn't seem to agree, and ended our brief exchange of emails.

 

 

How horrible of me  ;-)