Never Mind The Date...It Won't Help

Godzilla saw the advanced text here.  'Splains much.

My pet rock, Seymour, recently demanded that he be considered as an "emotional support pet rock".

I told him fine...who needed his emotional support?

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

So much for his first test.

In the meantime, Seymour went on to suggest that our contemporary understanding of dinosaurs is faulty.  And the few Jurassic Park movies have not been much help.

You see, unlike yours truly, my pet rock Seymour has been around a spell.  Quite a spell.  Such a spell that he may have, at one time, been a kidney stone to a triciploplotz, or one of those now-extinct fangled things.  Something that still gives Seymour the heebie-geebies when he sees any dinosaur movies, no matter how cheeseball they are.

Still, Seymour seems to think that dinosaurs get the shaft in contemporary understanding.  He went so far as to suggest that a velociraptor would make a fine emotional service animal.

He didn't think it funny when I said "yeah, a velociraptor would make a fine service animal...into dinner".

At any rate, Seymour demanded that I draft a proposal for including velociraptors as "emotional support animals" under federal law.

When you consider how utterly ridiculous some state and federal legislators are busy jacking up law on all levels these days, I should find this child's play. I just suggest it not be your child playing with it:

Information About Emotional Support Velociraptors

 

Emotional support velociraptors are impossibly extinct, and are pretty much incapable of providing

comfort and support in forms not well understood by them for an individual suffering from various

conditions mocked on The Gong Show. An emotional support velociraptor is therefore not currently

required to perform any specific tasks requiring vibrators, Salad Shooters or remotes. They are in

fact meant solely for imaginary scenarios concocted by meth’d up screenwriters in Hollyweird to

create off-the-wall movie scripts about the imaginary, potentially leading to SNL skits and

PETA protests on behalf of poor, ill-tempered carnivores. With their being extinct – unless you count Nancy Pelosi – emotional support velociraptors would likely not assist with any conditions wherein achieving improvement is desired or occurs. Depending, of course, on your definition of “is”.

 

 

Emotional support velociraptors aren’t protected under some peculiar federal laws...yet

 

Due to the current status of extinction, emotional support velociraptors enjoy no enumerated

protections under any obscure and little-understood asides in the Federal Endangered Feces Act

(FEFA). Granted, with a nudge from the ASPCA or PETA to a sandpoundingly stupid public policy

wonk, DNC vote harvesters will be prompted to come up with ways to repopulate the species and register them to vote democrap. The FEFA finds obscure and non-sequitur ways to extend protections to almost anything irrational in this manure.  Not convinced?  Since the Russian collusion investigation went phfft,

look for the House Lack-of-Intelligence Crimemittee to demand an investigation of the current POTUS to uncover his role in conspiring with a comet to make dinosaur extinction happen so to provide oil companies with something to sell millennia later.

 

Don't worry:  if abject idiots like Adam Schiff hasn't thunk of this yet, he will.

 

 

A Medical Recommendation Won’t Mean Much

 

Like service dogs, a claimant will be required to have a letter from anyone claiming professional

nincompoopery who is ready willing and able to assert that the claimant have an emotional support

velociraptor for their condition. Whatever that condition – and unlike service dogs – the introduction

to the claimant of an emotional support velociraptor will result in an almost immediate cure of the

claimant’s condition, regardless of what it is. Being eaten does, after all, relieve one of having to file

taxes the next year.

 

With that alone, we’re almost talking ourselves into this.

 

Identifying emotional support velociraptors in public

 

Once the first emotional support velociraptor is introduced into existence and the public venue, the

public will have no problem with identifying it when it chases them around and eats them.

Curiously, some businesses will prefer to see a YouTube video of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders

that has nothing to do with a pillaging emotional support velociraptor. We understand.​

 

 

List of Reasons Bugs Conned Daffy Into the

“So Shoot Me Now!” Routine

 

An emotional support velociraptor cannot do anything for a duck that can’t overcome

pronoun trouble with wabbits and Elmer Fudd. Except eat it.  Therefore, we end this

digression before it starts and provide an abbreviated list of some conditions 

individuals will find immediately alleviated by the introduction into their existence of

an emotional support velociraptor:



Any and all problems associated with year-end tax filing.

 

Do you have a neighbor like Elmer Fudd?

 

The National Institute of Animateds with Assorted Disorders shows that more than

1 in 4 adults in the United States have tried at least one Acme product that failed

Wiley Coyote. If one has survived a run-in with the Roadrunner, then that person

is batting .1000 and should forego any opportunity to obtain an emotional support

velociraptor, unless one has the mentality of Wiley Coyote. If one recognizes such

traits in a neighbor, move.

 

 

Living With Emotional Support Velociraptors

 

Keeping emotional support velociraptors happy is easy: give them a sheep every

20 minutes. Run out of sheep and one kinda knows what comes next.

 

 

Flying With Emotional Support Velociraptors

 

Let’s remember: it’s a living, breathing, ravaging velociraptor, and not schooled in the

niceties of air travel ... especially if it’s had a past-life run-in with a pterodactyl. Your

emotional support velociraptor won’t fit in the overhead storage bin, and won’t be kind

anything that does, let alone to luggage underneath the passenger compartment. Best

you send it separately to a destination you’re not going to. Like Newark. Things are

such there that they won’t notice.

 

 

2013 - 2019 US Extinct Species Registry. The US Extinct Species Registry is an

independent organization providing illusionary service dinosaurs that will create

more issues than they solve. They are in no way affiliated with the ADA, though

they may prove very much at home with the OMG and WTF and other associated

acronyms. The material herein should not be shared with DNA researchers, in

case PETA wants to start a fledgling Emotional Support T-Rex project. San

Diego been there and done that.​  

 

 

I think this should pretty much take care of any of us having to worry about

your neighbors being the first on the block to have an emotional support

velociraptor.

 

Unless your neighbors are Tide Pod eaters.