Wait 'Til Your Mother Reads This

Let's face it:  we've all got and had Moms.

And we've all be scolded by 'em.

Well, I reckon that this scammer might just need a reminder of that as you read his effort to give me the business, which includes, twice, an awkward reference to his Mom:


Attn:
Please believed me, I swear with my Mothers grave that I will send you your mtcn to pick up your first payment in after activation, My word is my word' I swear to my good Lord, once you send the $50 activate fee I will meet the bank management to get it done and I will send you the mtcn to pick up your money at the western union, I am telling you the truth, please believe me and I will not let my word dawn, I promised you and I will never  fail you, I knew that you will reward me in after received your total funds, pls don't let my efforts to go in vain and again don't let all you spent to go in vain, this $50 activate fee is the last fee you will pay to have your mtcn to pick up your money without delay, once you sent $50 the next is to get you the mtcn you will use to pick up your money at the western union near to you, your destiny is at your hand now, everything is on your hand, your lives, the payments, to have a better lives, to have a wonderful Christmas with your family, to help poor people, to set investment for future of your life and your families, both is at your hand now, $50 is the distance between you and receiving your payments, we have put all arrangement in order and will finalize all your transfer process and will successfully get you your mtcn to pick up your money in after your funds activation. Pls go ahead to send the $50 activation fee for the bank management to get your funds activation done to enable you start receiving your payments to change your life and to give you and your family a better living life.

I am waiting for your reply with the $50 iTunes card, then the next is to have your mtcn to pick up your money to proof my innocent and how much honest I was to you, I am honest man and a Christianity I can't lie, I am very sure that once you send this $50 today you will have your mtcn to pick up your money to praise my good worked toward you, I am sure that today will be the happiest day of your life if possible you send this $50 that holding the bank management to activate your funds to release your mtcn. I knew that you will reward me for my efforts on helping you on your behalf, may our good God give you knowledge to understand the truth am telling you to achieve your goal, please send this $50 last fee to receive payments so that you can help others people that is poor, please believe me and trust me, I will not fail you and I cannot ask you for another fee, this $50 is the last fee, I give you my word, my word is my word. send $50 activate fee to have your mtcn to pick up your money without delay, I swear with my Mother grave.  

Tel 
Email wufiles96@aol.com
Larry Tuthill
@Western Union Representative  

"I swear with my Mother grave".  

How does one DO that, exactly?  Asking for a pet rock.

"No you AREN'T!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"


Be that as it may, the "editing-gone-wild" pet rock Seymour thought that this email was right up his alley for editing, and I was more than happy to turn him loose on it:


From: Larry Tuthill <crk_1542@yahoo.com>
Sent: Saturday, December 1, 2018 8:32 AM
Subject: I will do unspeakable things to your Salad Shooter if my Mother grave don't hear about it first

 

Attn:
Please believed me, I swear with my Mothers grave that I will do unspeakable things to your Salad Shooter, old hard-wire telephone, Lean Mean Grilling Machine, stereo 8-trac player, IBM Selectric typewriter and electric douche dildo suction thingee you got from your perverted uncle last Christmas, if you'll just lend me your ear.  I'd ask to borrow your genital, but most people are rather peculiar about loaning those out.  You may not believe this, but my word is my word, and what my word is this week is "fallopian mortar tube".  I swear to my good Coke bottle goat head baphomet toilet shoe horn, once you send the $50 activate fee I will meet with the NFL and discuss inflating footballs with helium for half-time entertainment and I will send you proof with a recording of Tom Brady sounding like South Park's Eric Cartman.  As the 13th astrological sign Gorkus -- signified by two buzzards colliding in mid-air -- guides me to say, I am telling you the truth, please believe me and I will not rest until my my word this week is in the Oxford Dictionary of Fallopians in Hysterectomy.  I promise you that and I will probably fail you, but know that as a turkey falling from a helicopter over Cincinnati is my witness, I knew that someone who voted for that moron Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez will reward me in some appropriate manure for reasons probably best left in Azerbaijani.  Pls don't let my efforts to go in vain, since SUVs are so much more trendy.  A $50 activate fee is the last fee you will ever need unless you do something that requires fees other than $50...that I can't hep you with.  Your dysentery is in your hand now, so please wash them thoroughly before you handle anything edible, oral and phallic.  Do this so that in some perverse way you'll help poor people stay that way.  None of this leads to a better living life, but it was part of the template so I writ it.

I am waiting for your reaction to the first paragiraffe of this missive, so that I can gauge the odds of you acting on the second paragiraffe here, wherein you are expected to reply with the $50 iTunes card.  Didn't I say the $50 was in the form of an iTunes card?  Well, fouling myself with family fruitcake puree, I didn't say that heretofore, five, six, or whatever time it is there.  Okay, now I've said it.  Why an iTunes card you ask?  Good question...I suppose I could ask for a $50 Toys 'R Us card...or a Barf, Bowels And Edible Toilet Seats Store card.  At this point, if you send me $50 in the form of ANY gift card, I'll probably projectile piss myself, because this f**king email hasn't worked yet and I've been using it for six months.  

Now for the disclaimer combined with a customer satisfaction survey that I was offhandedly required to include here...how would you rate how much honest I was to you?  I am honest man and a Satanic cultist of dubious antereligence.   I can't lie as long as my mouth is shut and all my electronic texting devices are off.  I am very sure that once you send this $50 in the form of an iTunes card today, you will have pissed away $50 on an iTunes card.  And don't forget after this is all over to praise my good worked toward you with disparaging comments about me that my cohorts at the fly-infested internet cafe I work at can read and laugh at.  I am sure that today will be the happiest day of my miserable life if you send this $50; if you don't, I will contact a local spell caster and direct him to turn you into a chair seat that Hellary Clinton will sit on and fart in.  I knew that an admonishment like that would get your attention.  Please believe me and trust me, I will fail you utterly but that doesn't matter as long as you send the $50 in the form of a question.  I give you my word -- which we already went over so don't make me have to explain it again because I don't remember what I made up earlier -- so my word is my word.  And on this I swear with my Mother grave, though the instant I do, she'll grab me by the nutsack and march my unhappy ass back to the hovel and use a Singapore bamboo cane on my genital.   And that's when she's not mad.

Tel 
Email wufiles96@aol.com
Larry Tuthill
@Illuminincompoops International, Nigerian Chapter  

 

 

Both Seymour and I wondered just what "Larry" would have to say to this.  Well, "Larry" did have a brief response:

 

basterd

 

 

I think he was talking to Seymour there.

 

"Was NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!"