Not The Duke of Earl

This is, I think, the 27th Duke of Earl.

The email I got was NOT from this duke.  Or any bona fide duke.

No, mine came from Duke Asi.

And this is how it started:


FROM DUKE ASI

ATTN: CEO/PRESIDENT

I want you to patiently read this offer. I am Mr.Duke Asi the Head of
Delegation to the World Bank in West Africa. I am the linkman between the
Organization For Petroleum Exporting Countries - OPEC and the petroleum
sector in a West African country. I also attend OPEC meetings constantly
in Geneva. Through the sale of our allocated oil quota in OPEC, I was able
to make S$72.2million, which is currently deposited in a European Security
and Finance company.

I want you to assist me to claim this money as I cannot claim it directly
because I am still a Civil servant, and the code of conduct bureau forbid
me to acquire such amount of money. It is on this basis that I am
contacting you for assistance, if you will be interested; claim documents
have been processed and sent to you. The documents with which the fund is
deposited will be changed to reflect you as the new beneficiary so that
you will be Eligible to collect the fund on my behalf.

I will give you 30% of the fund for this assistance. I am aware of the
international monitoring of all large-scale financial movements after the
September 11th 2001 terrorist attack on America and to avoid any state of
financial investigation I will provide a classified clearance paper from
the relevant body which will exonerate the money from either drug, money
laundered or terrorist related proceeds.

Kindly respond to my proposal through this my private on the receipt of
your mail;dukeasi@yahoo.com.au or fax indicating interest.

I want to assure you that there is no risk attached in this transaction.
You should also provide me with your private telephone and fax numbers for
easier communication.

Expecting your response.

Best regards,
MR.DUKE ASI  

Disappointed that I was not hearing from the Duke of Earl, I first hadda make sure on that point:


So if I read this right, you're not the Duke of Earl.  


Thanks for your mail, no i am not  Duke of Earl. but before we proceed, i want you to send to me your full name, your direct phone number, your residence address, your age, your  marital status your occupation/ company name if any to enable my attorney to prepare all the legal documents  for you in your name that will enable you to claim the funds from the security and finance company in Europe where the funds is kept as the right beneficiary of the funds. I am waiting for your urgent response from the receipt of this mail  


If you're not the Duke of Earl, why would I involve myself in the business you offer to give me?  

For our mutual benefit, so please send what i requested from you  


I'm not sure I see mutual benefit in dealing with you unless you're the Duke of Earl.  


I bet you there is mutual benefit to dealing with me, you cannot regret it, and i can even be the Duke of Earl for you just trust me you will not regret. Just send what i requested from you for us to proceed  

First you say you aren't the Duke of Earl then you say you can be.  Okay, I'll play.  You say I cannot regret dealing with you?  That sounds interesting, Duke.  What do you need?  


Thanks f or your mail, for us to proceed i want you to send to me your full name, your direct phone number, your residence address, your age, your marital status, your occupation / company name if any. To enable my attorney to prepare all the legal documents in your name that will back you up to claim the funds from the security and finance company in Europe where the funds is kept as the right beneficiary.  


Make sure that when your atturkey contacts me, he clarifies that he is the atturkey for the Duke of Earl (and I included the usual information scammers get from my character)


Thanks for your mail, i want to inform you that your information has forwarded to my attorney to prepare all the legal documents in your name that will enable you to claim the funds from the security and finance company in Europe where the funds is kept as the right owner of the funds. Once his through he will forward it to the security company in Europe where funds is kept in your favour as the right owner of funds and i will send to you deposit certificate of the funds and certificate of change off ownership in your name as the right owner of the funds. But i still want you to send to me you id copy of your international passport or drivers license because it will reflect in those documents my attorney will forward to the security company in your favour as the beneficiary of the funds. I am waiting for your urgent response from the receipt of this mail  


Is your atturkey a Duke too?  


No his not, but his a noble man please  send  to me what i requested for us to get this transaction done  

Your atturkey has no balls?  Ouch.

I already sent you the information you requested.  I'm just waiting on No Balls to contact me now  

 

 

Yes you have sent it and my attorney is already working on it to change every documents in your name as the right beneficiary of the funds. But he still want you to send your id, copy of your international passport or drivers license because it will reflect in those documents my attorney will forward to the security and finance company in your favour as the right beneficiary of the funds  

 

 

Dukey, I do not post my photo ID online because of the proliferation of identity thieves online.  If your atturkey wants that information, he'll have to email me.     

There is no problem, he  has already working with your other information, since there is no hidden things in this transaction and every transaction will be in your present. By tomorrow once his through he will forward all the documents to the office of the security and finance company in Europe where the funds is kept in your favour as the right beneficiary of the funds, and i will send deposit certificate of the fund and certificate of  change off ownership in your name for your view with information of the security and finance company in Europe where the funds is been kept for you to contact them and let them know when your coming for the claim of your funds. You have to know that your present will be needed in the office of the security company to come and sign for your funds release order and see the money with your eyes and present to confirm your transfer that your funds enter your choice account before leaving   


Well that's just ducky Dukey.  I'll look forward to your atturkey gettin' 'er done. 


Thanks for your mail your documents has been forwarded to the security and finance company in Madrid Spain in your favour as the right beneficiary of the funds. Below is deposit certificate of the funds and certificate of change off ownership in your name as the new beneficiary of the funds for your view. And information of the security and finance company in Madrid Spain where the funds is kept for to contact to let them know when your coming to claim the funds.

CUSTODIAN SECURITAS S.A.
  MADRID SPAIN, CALLE PINTO 280, 29814 MADRID
  SPAIN.  EUROPE LIAISON OFFICE
      Tel: +34 632-589-877
      Fax: +34 911-238-440
      EMAIL: custodiam@europe.com
      Contact person:    MR.JEFF BORIS
      (DIRECTOR

Please contact them and get back to me for evidence  


I didn't respond immediately, and that got Dukey noivous:


I am waiting for your response in regard of my last e-mail to you, please update me if you have contact the security company. I need your urgent response from the receipt of this mail

So I just responded back to both Dukey and Custoadial, and await their respective replies...and Dukey speaks foist:

Thanks for your update, they will contact you once they through with your file, my advice to you for us to achieve this successful is you to follow all their instruction and always keeping me posted  

Ever the noivous one, Dukey throws in this postscript:


I am waiting for your response in regard of my last e-mail to you, please update me if you heard from the security and finance company. I am waiting for your urgent response from the receipt of this mail  

I have not heard from your security company, Dukey.  Get on their ass and tell them to get with the pogrom.  


I didn't bother to tell Dukey that the email address he gave me for Custodian is bouncing...my bad.  But no worries..he got hold of them.  Get a load of their requirements for my character:

CUSTODIAN SECURITAS S.A. MADRID SPAIN,
CALLE PINTO 280, 29814 MADRID SPAIN.

EUROPE LIAISON OFFICE

Tel: +34 632-589-877
Fax: +34 911-238-440

EMAIL: custodian@europe.com

Date—4TH OF DECEMBER 2018

 

FOR KIND ATTENTION: MR.JACK EWEHOFF

 

Following directives received from the account department of UNITED NATIONS (MR.DUKE ASI), regarding the above Referenced payment, we officially write to inform you that we have been mandated by the above authority to effect the above payment to you. Our payment procedure entails a visit to our office and absolute identification for security reason.

 

This process has become necessary due to incessant cases of duplication of payment to beneficiaries. In this regard, you are advised to reconfirm to this office all details concerning your payment by email,.

REQUIREMENTS

1] Forward your exact nominated Bank account details where you want this
funds to be transferred to.

2] Fax your international passport or driver’s license for identification, or
come with it during your visit.

3) You are to make an official payment of €9,600.00 euros in cash, representing cost of administrative, handling, stamp duty fees.

Note officially sir, that your physical present is highly required, considering the volume of the amount involve, which you are spending just one here in Madrid. There are three ways this can be possible (1) You have to come in person (2) Send a representative, someone that can represent you in our office as well as in the Bank, with authority letter from you dully signed and stamp by you, which will enable us to allow him/her to represent you.(3) If you are not coming or sending any representative, you can use the services of a certify Lawyer who will endorse all the documents on your behalf, but do note that you will take care of his service cost, plus the official charges of €9,600 euros.

 

Finally, reconfirm your direct telephone number, for easy communication.

MR.JEFF BORIS
COORDINATOR (CSS)

NB--- AS SOON AS WE RECEIVE YOUR FLIGHT DETAILS, WE WILL MAKE HOTEL
RESERVATION FOR YOU IN A GOOD HOTEL CLOSE TO OUR OFFICE, AS WELL SEND OUR PROTOCOL OFFICER WHO WILL BE AT THE AIRPORT TO PICK YOU, SO THAT YOU DO NOT FIND IT DIFFICULT TO LOCATE OUR OFFICE.NOTE THAT YOU ARE TO SPEND 1 FULL DAY HERE IN MADRID TO CONCLUDE THE REMITTANCE OF YOUR PAYMENT WHEN YOU ARRIVE.     

 

 Yeah, like any of that's gonna happen.  Still:

I find your requirements onerous.  Let's negotiate.  


And to Dukey goes this:


I heard from the security company finally.  Their requirements are onerous.  We are negotiating.


The replies made me laugh.  First from Dukey:


What are you to negotiate?  You must discuss with me first.  

I'm negotiating with them, not you.  Wait your turn.  


And while Dukey ponders that, here's what the security company response to negotiating was:

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail,what our management do not understand is what you meant by negotiation.

Note,that what we have explained to you,is our official procedures that we have to abide,in other to release your payment to your designated bank account.it is either you are physically present in our office and make the payment ,finalize your transaction or for ill health reason/s,use the 2nd option,which is making all neccessary available,then the management will release your payment to your bank account directly.  

 

 

If they had fun with my request to negotiate, they'll really love this one: 

Your management doesn't unnerstand what I mean by negotiate?

I'm sorry to hear your education was substandard.

To negotiate is to discuss arrangements and come to a consensus we both can agree to.

We have not as yet achieved that consensus of agreement.

Points to negotiate:  (1) your fee (2) location of meeting.

That's what I mean by negotiate.  Let me know if it needs to be further simplified for your management.  What are they, single-digit IQs?

The pet rock says I'm starting to channel Don Rickles.  Be that as it may, the communications are starting to get a bit tense, first from Dukey:

 dont know why you keep me adamant in this transaction, i trusted you with all my heart believe that you will not have cheat on me or reglect doing business with me and now you keep me blank on  how far you have gone with the security company for my record purpose  


How am I keeping you Adam Ant, Dukey?  I told you that I and the security company are negotiating.  Sheesh.  


And then this from the security company, where some butt hurt is evident:

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, what our management do not understand is what you meant by negotiation, this word can mean anything, depends on the kind of transaction and interpretation, but using the word education was substandard is very insultive,you would have been more decent, in using your words.

However, as our client, we will never argue with you, your rights as client, we still hold at a very high esteem, regarding the official charges of €9,600 euros, it is an official payment, and for the location of the meeting, as soon as we receive your flight details, we will make hotel reservation for you and forward the reservation details to you, also give you the name of our protocol officer, who will pick you on arrival, take you to your hotel and also bring you to the office, so you don`t find it difficult to locate us.

Finally we expect your immediate response and also we urge you to adhere to our instructions, to enable us serves you better and fast..  

 

 
If you do not understand what I mean by negotiating, then it tells me that your education IS substandard.  I will repeat what I said:

To negotiate is to discuss arrangements and come to a consensus we both can agree to.

We have not as yet achieved that consensus of agreement.

Points to negotiate:  (1) your fee (2) location of meeting.

 

That's what I mean by negotiate.   

 

 

I can see an impasse building here...first from Dukey:

 
 Why all th is insult? please if you cannot do this you better let me know and stop all t h is adamant, i dont  like it  

...and he followed up with this:


I dont like this thing your doing, because information i got from the security and finance company is not encouraging. I believe that by now you would have got the transaction done as we agreed, but till now you never even let security and finance company to know when your coming for the claim of the funds. Please my brother i beg you let me know when your intend to meet them to conclude this transaction. I am waiting for your urgent response from the receipt of this mail  


Meantime, from the security company comes this:


We apologize if we have offended you through our response.the below message was sent to you yesterday,did it clearify your points,we need to go forward with the release and conclusion of your transaction,rather argueing on the past.  

My character responds thus to the Dukester:


Dukey, all I asked the security company to do was negotiate their stated requirements.  Insisting that I travel out of country to get this done and pay nearly 10,000 Euros on top of that was to me points that needed negotiating.  They didn't understand what I meant.  I think the word "negotiate" is pretty easily understood, don't you?  


And to the security company:


 I am simply telling you folks that negotiation over your demands for fees and travel are in order.  I fail to see how you cannot understand that request on my part.  


...we're getting there...next comes more butt hurt from Dukester:


 dont know reason your keeping me adamant in this transaction please if you cannot  do this transaction as we agreed on you better open up and stop all this insult, i beg you in the name of God  


What is your fascination with Adam Ant?  He was a thing in the 1980s, for flying fish f**k.  I never invoked anything to do with Adam Ant.  I swear, Dukey, you just get more peculiar as you go.  And now you're throwing in a deity.  I'm negotiating with the security company, once they figure out what 'negotiating' is.  I'll keep you apprised, but none of it will involve Adam Ant.

 

After a couple days to ponder the building dilemma for Dukey, he's getting desperate:

Please i am begging you my brother to follow instruction of the security company for us to achieve this aim. Because they have a way to operate and they cannot go  contrary to it, please i am on kneels begging you to follow there instruction because is the only way you can get the funds from them, they have nothing to loose if you dont come for the funds is we that we loose because this transaction is for our mutual benefit. Just take record of every of your expensive because you will take it before sharing the funds. I beg you my brother with my kneels on the ground to let them know your arrival date for us to get this done in this last outer  of the year, please my brother dont let this past this last qauter of the year to avoid loosing all the funds and i bet you, you will not regret doing business with me, just let them know your arrival date and get back to me. I am waiting for your urgent response from the receipt of this mail  

No ray of sunshine goes back to the Dukester:


Can't they speak for themselves?  Are they completely incapable of negotiating key points that I find objectionable?   What kind of security company did you engage here, Dukey?  

And to the non-responsive security company goes this: 
 
Dukey of Earl says that you people are incapable of negotiating.  Hell, you seem incapable of understanding what negotiating IS.  What is the problem there?  Am I dealing with a genuine security company, or a collection of nincompoops?  


Sounds like Dukey is reduced to copying his previous emails to me, as here is his reply:


Please i am begging you my brother to follow instruction of the security company for us to achieve this aim. Because they have a way to operate and they cannot go  contrary to it, please i am on kneels begging you to follow there instruction because is the only way you can get the funds from them, they have nothing to loose if you dont come for the funds is we that we loose because this transaction is for our mutual benefit. Just take record of every of your expensive because you will take it before sharing the funds. I beg you my brother with my kneels on the ground to let them know your arrival date for us to get this done in this last outer  of the year, please my brother dont let this past this last qauter of the year to avoid loosing all the funds and i bet you, you will not regret doing business with me, just let them know your arrival date and get back to me. I am waiting for your urgent response from the receipt of this mail  


What are you, a Xerox machine?  This is the exact same email you just sent.  More cowbell, less duplication.  Tell the security company to get off their ass and start negotiating with me.  Sooner they do that, the sooner we can git 'er done.  


That doesn't ease the growing angst that the Dukester is feeling:


You know that this security company are financial institute and they have away to operate that cannot be temper, and their do process must follow. is you for you to tell them what you want to negotiate with them and be specific and not saying negotiate without been specific. But i must tell you that only way we can achieve this and get this funds from them is you to follow their instruction because there do process must follow to avoid problem, because if you fail to follow they do process is we that will loose not them because the money is for us and not for them and if you did not claim the funds before next month they will return the funds to the treasury of the Spanish government as on claimed funds which means that all our effort will be in vain and we will lost. the funds

I beg you my brother with my kneels on the ground to not allow such to happen since you're the only person that can claim the funds as the owner, i told you that you will never regret doing business with me, and i am ready to share to funds 50% 50% split provided that we didn't loose all the funds. My kneels on the ground begging you please i beg you to just contact them and let them know your arrival date and be specific  of what you want to negotiate with them, please contact them and get back to me for evidence. Please  i am begging you with my kneels on the ground to not all my effort in life that i trust in you to be in vain, please follow security company instruction. I am waiting for your urgent response from the receipt of this mail  


Okay....let's up the angst:


I don't know sh*t about them; you arranged them, not me.  That makes it YOUR problem if they won't negotiate with me.  My negotiation terms were as simple as can be.  Even someone as dumb as Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez could have almost sorta understood them.  Well okay...maybe not her.  Now, as for the security company turning the money over to the Spanish government, so what?  Maybe Spain needs it more.  I'm already rich.  Aren't you?  Get off your kneels and back to me on that.  


And to see if I could further butt hurt the security company -- their recent silence indicated I'd done well in that regard -- I sent this:


Dukey is down on his kneels -- doing what, he didn't say, but I'm guessing it's something unsavory -- and he says that if we don't get this deal done, you're going to turn the money over to the Spanish government.  If you clowns can't understand the basics of negotiating terms, I reckon you probably ought to turn the money over to someone who knows what the f**k they're doing.  Agreed?  

While the security company continued with their butt hurt silence, Dukey is trying to save the game:


I know that you're rich that is why i need your help to avoid loosing all i work for my life, and that is only hope i have and you is like a god to me. That is why i am begging you with my kneels on the ground to not allow all my effort in life to go abortive. the money will go to Spanish government treasury if you that stand as owner fail to claim it as its is only you that security company knows not me because every related document was changed in your name as the owner of the funds not me. So my brother i am begging in the name of God Almighty to consider me and contact them and let them know your arrival date, if you fail to claim the fund or follow they instruction of the security company as we agreed before you contacted them, is me you hot not them because they have nothing to loose because the funds is not they own is for me and you. So please my brother i am begging you in the name of God with my kneels on the ground to help me and save my life because this funds that is in the security company in your name is my life and only hope i have i will die if i loose it. Please my brother consider my situation and contact the company and let them know the date that will be convenient for you to come for the claim of the funds as we agreed, i bet you with my life that you will not regret doing business with me. Contact them and get back to me, i am waiting for your urgent response from the receipt of this mail  


Nothing like sucking up.  Except when it doesn't work:


You wouldn't have knowd I was rich unless I told you so.  You have no idea how I became rich, do you?  Ever heard of the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute in Vaduz, Liechtenstein?  That's how I became rich.  I am the founder and CEO.  So...tell your security company to get with the program and NEGOTIATE WITH ME.  No more messing around. 

Dukey remains apoplexic:

 am sorry for everything you have to know they are financial institute, and have their own ego and every time such amount of money is about to go out from their custody they always like to make it difficult to the owner, because they dont want the funds to go for them to trading on it. Is the obligation of the owner to follow their instruction to avoid them seen any excuse to seat on the funds. Please my brother i beg you to forget the issue of negotiation with them now until you meet them face to face, i believe then they will listen to what negotiation you want because you have shown seriously that you're out for your fund, but just telling them negotiation without any move will look like your not serious. Just contact them and let them know that you be around so so time, i bet you they will respond to you positively

Just contact them and give them any date of your own, you will see they will respond to you positively and ready to listen to you knowing that your serous any thing less than that they will not listen to you because it will look like your teaching them there work, just try understand their ego. Contact them now and get back to me for evidence, i need your urgent positive response from the receipt of this mail 

In fact, my last couple emails to the security company have gone unanswered.  So let's try invoking a bit of the movie Airplane in reply:  

"Looks like you picked the wrong week to quit misjudging security companies" -- Lloyd Bridges  


Ol' Dukey continues to hold out hope:


Have you contacted the security company in respect of my last e-mail to you? please update me  


Meantime, I send another prod to the security company, guaranteed to maintain the status whoa:


Dukey says you incompetent f**ks are ready to negotiate.  Well...are you?  


And back to Dukey goes this:


Oh I have.  And they repeatedly decline to negotiate with me.  Their unprofessional intransigence only heightens my demand for negotiations.  


Dukey keeps up the "on his kneeling" campaign:


As i said before they are financial institute and have a way to operate with their own ego which they dont want to tempered with, means that the owner of the funds should abide to their instruction and nothing else. Please my brother i am begging you in the name of Almighty God with my kneels on the ground to choose a day that will be convenient for you to travel and meet them, i bet you with such they will open up with you. Is only what they want to hear from you is you to declare your interest that your coming to enable them do their work as usual. Please brother my i am begging to use because of what i am passing through because of this funds that is still in the security company in Madrid Spain in your name as the owner which no other person can claim except you, and give them a date of your arrival and see they will open up to you. Just contact them and get back to me for evidence, and i bet you, you will not regret doing business with me or regret meeting them   


Why are your kneels on the ground?  That has to get uncomfortable after a while.   As I have said, am saying, and will keep on saying:  they need to negotiate terms with me.  Their terms are not acceptable.  


Meantime, I guarantee continued silence from the security company with emails like this:


I'm still waiting to hear from you incompetent f**ks about negotiating terms with me.  Time's awastin'.  Let's get to the rat killing.

As expected, the security company is pretty much done with my character.  But ol' Dukey...he's still kneeling:

 have told you that is not the security company your doing bad that is me, because security company has nothing to loose because the funds in question is not there own is my and for both of us. So i am begging you to remember what we agreed on before you contacted the security company that the only way to get this funds is to follow their instruction, i beg you my brother to help me and save my life and re contact them and gave them a date that will be OK, by you to meet them. I believe with that they will open to you, just give a try and save my life i beg you in the name of God Almighty. Please contact them and get back to me with the outcome for evidence  

And he follows up with more:


Please my brother dont do this to me, please for God sake help me and save my life, since you're like a second god to me knowing that no other person can claim the funds without you. I am begging you please help me and save my life and remember what we agreed before you contacted the security company  


LOL:

I'm like a second God to you?  Don't walk behind any of the choir in my church...even the farts are holy moly.  And the Second Lord said unto you, Duke of Earl, be thine in your dukedumb, a world we cannot share.  This whilst the First Lord face palmed and snickered a tad.  You may as well forget any heavenly dispensation from the security company.  They refuse to negotiate.  I'm making it rain forty days and forty nights on them there now.  Check under your seat for a flotation device in case of water landing.  This deity is indemnified and held harmless in the case of water landings by witches from outlands.  Your results may vary.  Harold be thy name.

I expected that to bring a close to this whimsical farce, but lo and behold, a fool in the darkness:


Thanks for your mail, i am making an arrangement to move the funds down to affiliate security company in Africa that will ready to negotiate with you. Once i am through with them i will send  their information for you to contact them. i am waiting for your urgent response

*Deal or no deal*....(Jeopardy Theme song)...oh, horsefeathers:


Really?  I was about to end my participation in this farce.  Since you're seeking a more flexible security company, perhaps we yet can deal.  I'll wait.


That reply draws what appears to be a repeat of the same email from ol' Dukey:

Thanks for your mail, i am making an arrangement to move the funds down to affiliate security company in Africa that will ready to negotiate with you. Once i am through with them i will send  their information for you to contact them. i am waiting for your urgent response

I couldn't resist this reply to his redundancy:


Didn't we just have this exchange?  To paraphrase a famous space alien ally from the United Earth Federation of Planets, "I believe you said that, Doctor".  Since your former security company was incompetent and refused to negotiate this farce, I will await with bated breath the new security company that you line up for this farce, and see if they are more amenable to negotiating terms and conditions.  Showing that kind of flexibility with this farce might just keep me engaged with this farce, and keep you off your kneels.

After all the words exchanged, it took my use of the word *farce* to awaken Dukey:


what farce?  What do you mean by farce? 


Well...yes, Dukey.  Farce.  You.  You is farce.  Farce is you.  May the farce be with you, as it is, has been, and will be.  Farce = you.  You = farce.  Farce farce farce.  You you you.  Has clarity been established for your farcical self now?


Apparently, after all was said and very little was done, that's all it took to bring an end to this installment of the Duke of Farce.