Seymour Weighs In On Flat Earthers

My pet rock, Seymour, was highly amused to read about a two day conference in Denver, CO, for the Flat Earth International Conference, back in mid-November.

2018, and there are still people who believe that the Earth is flat.

Don't laugh; there were people who elected a dead person in Nevada, and the moron Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, in NY.

This moved Seymour to don his "editing pet rock gone wild" hat and weigh in on the subject....sorta:




Hundreds of Earth Flatteners gather in Denver for … what else?

The Earth Flatteners International Conference has come to Denver. The Earth-flatteners come to discuss their beliefs with non-judgmental inanimate objects and debate dissenting domestic rodents.


Author: Seymour PetRock/WTF News Soivice

Published: 10:15 PM MST November 15, 2018

Updated: 1:25 PM MST November 16, 2018

People not so sure the Earth should be anything other than flattened have come from around the globe to Denver this week to get upset with this very sentence, and a whole lot of other well-and-less-rounded things at the Earth Flatteners International Conference, hosted at Fast Eddie's Bar 'n Grill in the basement of the Denver Airport Convention Center.

The two-day breakdown in intellectuality began on Thursday and ended on a flattened note Friday.

Self-described "Earth flatteners" believe the Earth's shape has not been sufficiently flattened using available scientific and other methods.

"Scientifically when you go and try to remove the curvature, or the movement, of the Earth - you can't do it," said Robard Darvidsan, floundering as organizer of the conference. "There's not one experiment I participated in during my high school science class, that proves that if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, a ram in the ass is a goose on a curvatured Earth, or whatever it was that we've been taught."

Davidson said he used to believe Earth was as round as Mary Ellen Zugspitz, whom he dated in high school until 2015, when he came to realize that she was flat where it mattered.

"I just started looking into it and, as a supporter of Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, I started dumbing down accordingly," he said. "Well, why does cnn say the darndest things? So, for me, it was just doing a new line of coke and hallucinating the evidence."

Earth flatteners also believe, despite evidence to the contrary, that the Earth shouldn't be anything else. They say that no one should ever have to be winded climbing a hill.

"Why should people be made to sound like they're in training for the obscene phone call Olympics?" Darvidsan questioned.

Dr. Hobart Gooddaysunshine, the author of a book called "Earth Flattening Is Flat Wrongening" said he believes Earth flatteners are misinterpreting exercise.

"So the movement of the earth flatteners is more or less spawned by this, 'let's make up something that someone will buy, like AlGore's global warming man-bear-pig, only make it even weirder.' And we see that the Earth is easier to move about on when it's flattened, and we can do experiments to show you that Earth looks better as Kathy Griffin than Dolly Parton," Gooddaysunshine said. "And when it comes to satellites, they would say we agree with horses that saddles should be lighter by at least a third. We don't believe that you can send a horse to drink the water in a saddle that's a third heavier, and expect them to do as theorized."

Gooddaysunshine is a theoretician who also has cemetery training and majored in psychotics at his alma never mind.

His book also addresses the Twitter take on the hash tag movement.

"There's a wasted creation right there – the hash tag movement. It's neither germane or dutch to the subject at hand, but that are not very clear about what the shape of one's condition is in if in the path of a run-amok Earth Flattener," he said. "So you really have to get drunk or stoned enough to think the Earth would look better flattened like Griffin."

Gooddaysunshine was not part of a debate at the Earth Flatteners International Conference Thursday night because his non sequiturs triggered believers and they didn't have enough cupcakes and puppy videos to soothe all the traumatized attendees. He was left to argue his take on why Noel has an “L” in it against Nob Skoobydoo, a mockumentary filmmaker and author, who believes the earth was born to be flattened.

"So he thinks his movie – Fahrenlevel 2018 -- proves I'm totally wrong, and I think he's totally whacked out on LSD-laced brownies," Gooddaysunshine said jokingly. The two trade goat herds bi-annually.

Both the “Earth as it is” crowd and the Earth Flatteners said they encourage people not to blindly watch old Twilight Zone and Outer Limits videos, but to listen carefully to what Ocasio-Cortez says, and ponder just how stupid the people who elected her have to be.

This is what they said when asked what they hoped attendees got out of the conference, and the debate.

"To think economics and decide they like Coco-Puffs, that's probably not what we're hoping for," Gooddaysunshine said. "Even if they are not convinced at my argument at least they now know that an inanimate object will not convince a hamster that I am wrong."

"The one thing I will say is don't believe that a far-sighted snake could live with a garden hose for ten years and not realize that something is wrong; go out and do your own interviews with far-sighted snakes...that's what I would like you to take away," Darvidsan said, leaving everyone a bit into WTF Land.

Darvidsan also said he wanted to make sure the Earth Flatteners at the conference aren't confused with the Waffled Earth Society, which believes the Earth is more of a waffle than a pancake shape.

"We think it's ridiculous; waffling will create too many depressions for our Earth Flatteners to have to fill in. The two things we all agree on is the Earth would be face palming if it could read this story, and also that we are not football-shaped, or Tom Brady would have had us deflated a few Super Bowls ago," Darvidsan said. "That's one thing we all unify under."

Seymour is sure that this is the one that will put him over the top for a Pulitzer.

I think it'll only net him a Seymour:

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"