Friday, August 17, 2018

The FBI Has Lost Its Mind

Yup...certifiably.  Certainly by the end of this, I reckon.

I have just spent the last month in a series of email exchanges with one of their "diplomats" -- who knew that the FBI had those -- over $96.

Questionmark and the Mysterians did better with 96 tears.

Here's how it all began at the end of June:


Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
FBI Headquarters, Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J.Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C

Attn: Fund Beneficiary!!!

This e-mail has been issued to you in order to officially inform you that
we have completed an investigation on an International Payment in which
was issued to you by an International Lottery Company. With the help of
our newly developed technology (International Monitoring Network System),
we discovered that your e- mail address was automatically selected by an
Online Balloting System, this has legally won you the sum of $2.4million
USD from a Lottery Company outside the United States of America. During
our investigation, we discovered that your e- mail won the money from an
Online Balloting System and we have authorized this winning to be paid to
you via INTERNATIONAL CERTIFIED BANK DRAFT.

Normally, it will take up to five business days for an INTERNATIONAL
CERTIFIED BANK DRAFT by your local bank.We have successfully notified this
company on your behalf that funds are to be drawn from a registered bank
within the world winded, to enable you cash the check instantly without
any delay, henceforth the stated amount of $2.4million USD has been
deposited with IMF.

We have completed this investigation and you are hereby approved to
receive the winning prize as we have verified the entire transaction to be
Safe and 100% risk free, due to the fact that the funds have been
deposited with IMF you will be required to settle the following bills
directly to the Lottery Agent in- charge of this transaction whom is
located in Abomey-Calavi, Benin Republic. According to our discoveries,
you were required to pay for the following,

(1) Deposit Fee's (IMF INTERNATIONAL CLEARANCE CERTIFICATE)
(2) Shipping Fee's ( This is the charge for shipping the Cashier's Check
to your home address) The total amount for everything is $96.00 We have
tried our possible best to indicate that this $96.00 should be deducted
from your winning prize but we found out that the funds have already been
deposited to IMF and cannot be accessed by anyone apart from you the
winner, therefore you will be required to pay the required fee's to the
Agent in-charge of this transaction In order to proceed with this
transaction, you will be required to contact the director in-charge
(Diplomatic Austin James) via e-mail.

Kindly look below to find appropriate contact information:

CONTACT AGENT NAME:Diplomatic Austin James
E-MAIL ADDRESS:(
diplomaticaustinjames220@gmail.com)
PHONE NUMBER: +229-60726228.

You will be required to e-mail him with the following information:
1. Your full Name========
2. your Address========
3. Nationality========
4. Age================
5. Occupation========
6. Phone Number========
7. Present Country====
8. Fax [optional]====
9. Email address====
10. Sex===============
******************************

You will also be required to request Western Union or Money Gram details
on how to send the required $96.00 in order to immediately ship your prize
of $2.4 million USD via INTERNATIONAL CERTIFIED BANK DRAFT from IMF, also
include the following transaction code in order for him to immediately
identify this transaction: EA2948-910.
This letter will serve as proof that the Federal Bureau of Investigation
is authorizing you to pay the required $96.00 ONLY to Diplomatic Austin
James, via information, in, which he shall send to you,

Christopher.A Wray

Federal Bureau of Investigation F B I
Yours in Service, Andrew G. McCabe
III Director Office of Public Affairs  



What follows is the actual series of emails exchanged between "Diplomatic Austin James" and my character:



You dumb sons of bitches at the FB-f**king-I can't even investigate a broom riding, fall down go phfffft cackler like Hellary Clinton...how the f**k you gonna pull THIS off?  


THIS IS THE RECEIPT OF YOUR EMAIL, ORDER FROM THE IMF OFFICE HERE, IN
RESPECT WITH THE PROVISION ACT OF DECREE FBI AUTHORITY CONSTITUTION,I
AM DIRECTED TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR INTERNATIONAL CERTIFIED BANK
DRAFT" TO THE TUNE OF $2.4 MILLION US DOLLARS ONLY HAVE VERIFICATION
AND CONFIRMATIONS ARE CORRECT. THEREFORE, WE ARE HAPPY TO
INFORM YOU THAT ARRANGEMENTS HAVE BEEN CONCLUDED TO AFFECT YOUR
DELIVERY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AND IN OUR BID TO TRANSPARENCY.YOUR
SKEPTICISM IS UNDERSTANDABLE AND NOT WITHOUT MERIT. HOWEVER, WE WILL
NOT BE PARTY TO A SITUATION LIKE YOU SUGGESTED AND QUITE FRANKLY, I
TAKE EXCEPTION TO WHAT YOU ARE IMPLYING. YOUR INTERNATIONAL CERTIFIED
BANK DRAFT IS REAL AND LEGITIMATE.

THE REQUIRED FEE OF $96.00 DOLLARS FOR THE IMF INTERNATIONAL CLEARANCE
CERTIFICATE CAN BE SEND THROUGH WESTERN UNION  INTERNATIONAL MONEY
TRANSFER OR MONEY GRAM WITH THE BELOW STATED DETAILS;

PAYMENT DETAILS

1. RECEIVER NAME:========DON  AJIKA
2. COUNTRY:==============BENIN REPUBLIC.
3. CITY=================COTONOU
4. QUESTION=============WHEN
5. ANSWER: =============TODAY
6. AMOUNT:==============$96.00 DOLLARS
7. MTCN NUMBER==========?
8. SENDERS NAME=========?

FORWARD THE PAYMENT CONTROL NUMBER, SENDER

AS SOON AS YOU FINISH MAKING THE PAYMENT, DO NOT HESITATE TO EMAIL ME
WITH THE PAYMENT INFORMATION ON MY EMAIL AS STATED BELOW, SO THAT I
CAN FACILITATE THE RELEASE AND DISPATCH OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL
CERTIFIED BANK DRAFT TO YOUR HOME ADDRESS. THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU
AS I LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR EMAIL WITH THE PAYMENT INFORMATION.

CONGRATULATIONS
YOURS IN SERVICE
MR Tom Daniel
INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND (IMF)
AFRICA REGIONAL OFFICE BENIN
TELEPHONE +229-60726228  
 
 
You may have received my email, but you sure as f**k didn't read it, FBf**kingIster.  
 
 
LISTEN TO ME, YOU JUST HAVE TO FOLLOW ALL MY INSTRUCTION IN ORDER TO MAKE SURE THAT THIS MONEY GETS TO YOU AND THAT ALL  
 
 
Follow the instructions from an FBf**kingI that's so corrupt it leaves a fecal trail behind when it oozes?  Just what kind of instructions do you have to offer?  
 
 
FIRSTLY, YOU HAVE TO GO TO A WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM OFFICE AND SEND THE DELIVERY FEE OF $96 DOLLARS IN ORDER TO ENABLE THE AGENTS DELIVER SAFELY   
 
 
Who is giving these instructions?  
 
 
THIS INSTRUCTIONS ARE FROM OUR HEAD OFFICE FBI I'M JUST AN AGENT SO, ONCE THIS FEE OF $96 PAID YOU WILL RECEIVE YOUR DELIVERY AS SOON AS 6 HOURS  
THIS INSTRUCTIONS ARE FROM OUR HEAD OFFICE FBI I'M JUST AN AGENT SO, ONCE THIS FEE OF $96 PAID YOU WILL RECEIVE YOUR DELIVERY AS SOON AS 6 HOURS
PAYMENT DETAILS
1. RECEIVER NAME:========DON  AJIKA
2. COUNTRY:==============BENIN REPUBLIC.
3. CITY=================COTONOU
4. QUESTION=============WHEN
5. ANSWER: =============TODAY
6. AMOUNT:==============$96.00 DOLLARS
7. MTCN NUMBER==========?
8. SENDERS NAME=========?
USE WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM  
 
 
You're "just an agent"?  This email says you're a diplomatic.  So what are you?  
 
 
THAT IS WHAT I'M SAYING A DIPLOMATIC AGENT  FROM
Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
FBI Headquarters, Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J.Edgar Hoover Building 
935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C
WHAT IS HOLDING UP THE DELIVERY IS THE PAYMENT FOR THE DELIVERY FEE ONCE IS PAID TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING I WILL PROCEED AND DELIVER THIS PACKAGE TO YOU   
 
 
What is holding up delivery?  Or who is holding up delivery?  
 
 
 HAVE EXPLAINED TO YOU EVERYTHING
ONCE THE DELIVERY FEE OF $96 DOLLARS IS PAID YOU WILL GET YOUR DELIVERY   
 
 
I hope you have immense amounts of patience.
 
 
 
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU.
I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TILL NOW AND THIS IS THE RESPONSE I GET ?
WHEN ARE YOU PAYING THE DELIVERY FEE OF $96 DOLLARS  
 
 
You didn't understand me?  I will work to be more clarifying going forward.  
 
 
OKAY THEN WHEN WILL THE FEE BE PAID?  
 
 
When it is paid, that is when it will be paid.  
 
 
I CAN SEE YOU NOT SERIOUS WITH THIS   
 
 
I'm not???  I'll get back to you on that.  
 
 
OKAY THEN  
 
 
Well okay then too.  
 
 
SO, DO YOU THINK IT WILL TAKE MORE THAN A WEEK TO GET THE DELIVERY FEE?  
 
 
It might.  I'm still paying off accordion/bagpipe lessons.  
 
 
OKAY UPDATE ME ONCE YOU HAVE THE FEE OF $96 WITH YOU OKAY SO THAT WE CAN GET THIS FUND DELIVERED TO YOU  
 
 
Okay...updates. Just like CNN.  
 
 
yea  
 
 
How often you want updates?  
 
 
ONCE THE FEE IS READY   
 
 
When will that be?  
 
 
ONCE YOU SEND THE FEE THIS MONTH  
 
 
In July?  
 
 
YES JULY  
 
 
Of 2018, right?  
 
 
before this month runs out  
 
 
Runs out of what?  
 
 
JUST TRY AND GET THE FEE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE  
 
 
I'm being as trying as I can.  
 
 
OKAY  
 
 
THE FEE SHOULD BE SENT VIA WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM
PAYMENT DETAILS
RECEIVERS NAME......MARK OBI
COUNTRY............BENIN REPUBLIC
CITY....................COTONOU
AMOUNT..............$96 ONLY
SENDERS NAME.......?
MTCN NUMBER..........?  
 
 
Yes, you already telled me this.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
okay   


Good.  We agree on something.  


YES. TRY GET THE FEE BEFORE THE MONTH ENDS  


That's how many days ?  


THAT IS 9 DAYS FROM TODAY  


Good.  I still has time.  


OKAY  


Which day would be best for you?  


THIS WEEK FRIDAY WOULD BE PERFECT    



I was just informed that our Congress passed a Federal Calendar Reconfiguration 2018 Law that adds five days to July.  Now I can meet your deadline by end of the month.  


ALRIGHT   JUST MAKE SURE THAT THE FEE IS SENT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE... DON'T
FORGET TO USE THE PAYMENT INFOMATION I SENT TO YOU AND THE FEE SHOULE
BE SENT VIA WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM  



Look for it around the 32nd of July or so.  


THAT SHOULD BE 1ST OF NEXT MONTH  


The Federal Government just amended the calendar.  July has been extended.  Isn't that great?  


THE FEE SHOULD BE SEND BY WEDNESDAY  


What day is Wednesday?  

 
THAT IS 4 DAYS  FROM TODAY  


Thanks....I forgot.  


And a couple days later...


Is it the fourth day yet?  


YOU WILL BE SENDING THE FEE TOMORROW MORNING   


I will?  What's tomorrow morning?  



HELLO I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THE PAYMENT WHAT IS GOING ON NOW?  


I am watching South Park on Comedy Central.  What's going on there?  


ASSHOLE  


Asshole is going on there?  Is that a show, an event, a pejorative or just you?


LEAVE ME ALONE


I'm not in the business of loaning.  But I know peoples that are.  Would you like me to arrange one for you?


STOP ASSHOLE


Best way I know to stop an asshole is to cork it up.  You got a cork?  If not, use your head.  That should work.  


STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  


My brakes are out and I'm on a hill...there's no STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   


And with that, Diplomatic Austin James of the FBf**king* finally figured out no fee for him.


I wonder if he's getting paid by the email or the hour?


 

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