Thursday, August 2, 2018

Straw Dawgs

For parts of Kaliforlornia, it's the final straw.

More dangerous than an AR-15.  More powerful than cow farts.
Able to leap subjects like illegal immigration, Russian bots, feced streets and discarded needles in a single sound byte.

Straws.  Lions and tigers and straws, oh my.

My pet rock, Seymour, saw the KA hysteria over straws and had one of those "editing pet rock gone wild" *TOING*s.

With no further adieu:

Kaliforlornia city OKs jail time and even death penalty for defying plastic straw ban

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

Never mind watching where you walk: sippers, beware. 

A Kaliforlornia coastal city has become the latest municipality to ban plastic straws, enacting what is potentially the strictest straw prohibition in this part of the universe.

Santa Barbara earlier this month passed the ordinance authorizing hefty fines, possible jail sentences, and even a death penalty for violators who dole out, use, discard, even possessed up to five years ago, plastic straws at restaurants, bars, homes, vehicles, even at cocaine parties in Hollywad, now or five years ago. 

According to the ordinance, violators on their first offense will be flogged. But the second time a purveyor of plastic straws defies the ban is when the heavy hand of the leftist insanity kicks in. 

In that case, the ordinance cites penalties from the city’s municipal code for a “up to and including the death penalty.”

In comparison, Seattle, which in the beginning of July became the first major city in the U.S. to get this stupid, only punishes businesses by making them put up life size photos of Hellary Clinton in her new table cloth that has all the IKEA furniture talking.

It’s not unlikely the maximum penalties would be imposed in Santa Barbara, but Assistant City Attorney Canadian Scott The Dick told WTFNS that the most severe criminal charges would be pursued after repeat violations and if there were aggravating circumstances.

Like triggered millennials fouling themselves if confronted by...a straw.

The Santa Barbara ordinance, which goes into effect in 2019, was supported by KA House reprehensible Bela Pelosi, who was translated as slurring “We have to pass this so people can find out what's in it”.

Santa Barbara has no idea why her opinion mattered, and aren't even sure what she said.

A spokesperson for the Santa Barbara City Council was quoted as saying “We're a tourist destination, like San Crapcisco. We don't mind the homeless, illegals, their campsites and trash, their feces and discarded drug needles all over the place. But discarded STRAWS? We have an image to protect”. 
“All things considered, we don't care if this new ordinance doesn't make a real dent in the problem it’s intended to solve — we only care that we're the first in Kaliforlornia to enact something as sandpoundingly stupid as this,” Kathyrine Humpf wrote in the National Review, adding that “straw bans could end up saving the universe from conservatives on TWITter or something.”

Coffee giant Starbucks made headlines earlier in July when it became the largest food and beverage company operating globally that will ban plastic straws in their open-to-the-public toilets within two years amid getting sued by their whackadoodle customers.

Plastic straws, which Americans don't use near as much as toilet paper, still are not a top contributor to Donald Trump having won in 2016, though Russian bots are pushing the narrative that plastic straws were a leading contributor to Hellary's defeat, according to National Giraffegraphic.

Starbucks was quickly joined by the DNC, ISIS and Antifa, the makers of anarchy.

On Tuesday, the board of stupervisors in Kaliforlornia’s second-largest outhouse, San Crapcisco, gave unanimous approval to a measure banning Russian bots on TWITter from having, possessing or using plastic straws for their meth and cocaine snorting. 

Stupervisor Taty Kang called the negative comments in social media about the ban "cornidopiously enslavidential and superfluloused”, leading pundits to muse that she must use Pelosi's translator, too.

"San Crapcisco has been a pioneer of environmental decay, and it's time for us to find alternatives to clean, decent streets and walkways that are choking our local outhouse with unwanted touristy peoples," she said in a statement.

The ban would go into effect July 1, 2019, along with a new requirement to make napkins, utensils and other to-go accessories classified as assault weapons that offend back-to-abnormal-nature hippies, Occupiers, illegals and the people at cnn. 

Seymour still covets a Pulitzer for these edits, but I think he'd settle for a bird sucking on a plastic straw.

Labels: ,


Blogger Sandee said...

I'm ashamed to say I live in California. I'm really ashamed.

Have a fabulous day, Mike. My best to Seymour and Element. ☺

02 August, 2018 08:52  

Post a Comment

<< Home