Friday, February 2, 2018

She Almost Had Me At Maha

December 2017 wanted to go out widda badda bing.

It did on Christmas Day.  'Cuz that's when I got this from a Canadian named Hadi Maha.

Ah ha.  Phffffffffffft.

Sounds more like a Three Stooges skit, but I digress:

Hi, My name is Hadiya Maha from Canada  Presently working in Dubai 
United Arab Emirate,I would like to have personal talk with you, I do  
promise to be a very good friend and partner


inbox me (and she included her email where to inbox her).

So my character did:

What's in YOUR box?  (with no apologies to Capital One..).


So not only is her name Hadi Maha, a Canadian that writes her name in Arabic for the International Monkeytary Fund, but she don't read responses in English any better than her templates are prepared:


My dear

How are you today? I like to be open, i am a woman that have seen life, i have been in the social circle for many years, It really does not matter one's age or color or achievement, what matters in our life is nothing but Care and expression, expression of the heart..

This is the most important thing in life, to me the most beautiful thing created by God, is never seen, only felt in the heart. I have been hardworking all my life now, i must think of something better, to enjoy my life and probably have a family ,maybe relocate and start investing in other things.

Anyway, i like to tell you little about me, My name is Hadiya Maha , 36 years, Am a Canadian ,born and raised in Ontario . l almost had a child but so Unfortunately  i  lost my only daughter at child birth. I love all sport activities but my favorite is Gulf  which am planing to take up competitions later on after I end my career as a banker.

 Am working as an Senior Audit/banker in Abu Dhabi , National Bank of Abu Dhabi  ( NBAD) . I was married but my Ex Husband got married to another woman, which caused our divorce, but is ok, since he accused me of been so busy with my work and the bank and its accounting/auditing, that i was not having time for him, but he refused to understand that i was pursing a goal, i told him that soon

i would resign and we have enough time for each other but he was impatient. But is over between us,I am happy alone because I have everything i need. This is why I think of relocating to your country to get into investment and maybe own a small company which i can be able to manage...Enough of myself, would you tell me more about yourself too????  I like to know you better, what you really do and your position in your work, your marital status and where you reside now.

i  love to hear from you soon and about you  



So she wants to hear from and about my character, do she?  What to tell her, what to tell her...*Jeopardy Theme music*...and then, like the monkey on the one-hit show Touched By An Anvil, it hits me:

How are you today? Better or worse than the day before?  I have always harbor a belief in karma, psychic rubix cube and the philosophy that a man has only so many breaths before the next fart, and then you come along into my life, and the quadrangle is complete.  When I last left my mentor and sock puppet manipulator, I was but the learner..now I am the master.

I find openness appalling, unless it's a void, whereby that's okay.  I am a man that have seen life, I have been in reviled in social circle for many years.  It really does not matter one's age or color or achievement, what matters in our life is nothing but whether or not you can field strip a Salad Shooter into something considerably more lethal in two minutes flat.  The rest will take care of itself with Kevlar and plenty of ducking.

This is the most important thing in life, to me the most obfuscational thing created by God on one of His off days. I have been hardworking part of my life, and a lazy sack of shit other parts of it.  After seeing the movies Kelly's Heroes and Die Hard, I must think of something better, to enjoy my life, avoid unwrapped Twinkees in construction areas and probably have a lengthy talk with a Jesuit therapist or something not very akin at some point soon, before I become a traffic light in Bangkok, or something other things like that.

Anyway, since you ask, I like to tell you little about me, My name is Jack Ewehoff, with a number of adult years thrown upon my youth.  I was born in the wagon of a traveling show, my mama danced with yaks for the money they'd throw, while Papa would do whatever he could...preach a little sex tape..rape a couple donkeys while roaring drunk.  I am by birth Liechtensteinian; I have lived in a number of countries, none of them untouched by war or flatulence.  I am currently living in Liechtenstein, where they speak a form of German not heard since Hogan's Heroes.  l might have had a child, but being the man that most mothers warn their daughters about, I'm pretty much relegated to inflatables or the Mustang Ranch.  And they have warrants for me there after that fateful night the yak was stalled on Runway number 2...I got off and ran like hell, and the plane ran over her-r-r, which they turned into a real corny song but it made teenage girls cry in the 1960s.


Now they cry when they hear "self responsibility" on college campuses.  Go figure.

I love all sport activities but my favorite is Mine The Gulf  which am planning to do to really piss off the Iranians after I end my career as a roving soldier of fortune.

 Right now I'm working in an unnamed Middle Eastern country known for camels, cous cous and perpetual strife.  I carry a mercenary firearm disguised like a Salad Shooter, so when the enema see me coming or hear me breathing hard, they think to themselves "oh, a celebrity chef!" and then I open fire and become Chef Con Carnage and Chef Boy R Dee Structive.  I also have a line of explosive prayer rugs that send Islamofascist prophets through the roof...yes, I know that's not original, but it still make me laugh, like Napolean Dynamite.


If you didn't see it, see it.  Pay close attention to the tater tots.

I was married but my ex wife got married to another woman after a visit to the Democrapic National Committee for a Gender Neutrality summit, which caused our divorce, but is ok, since I left ten million crotch crickets in the basement of the DNC as a result.  It's obvious some of them got to Nancy Bela Pelosi and Maxi Pad Waters, but I digress.

I do soon plan to resign this lifestyle -- I can't get any more replacement parts for Salad Shooters on QVC -- and come up with something even more bizarre, like snake rope levitation with a recorder that plays the brown note in busy shopping malls in Washington DC.  I am happy alone because I can buy whatever I want and never get asked questions like "is my butt fat in these jeans?", which if I answered truthfully, she'd have a headache for a year and a half. 


This is why I think of relocating to another planet to get into investment and maybe own a small company which markets one eyed one horned flying purple people eaters.

But enough of myself, since I think you asked me about that and are sorry now you did.

Would you like to travel with me to space, where we can circle Uranus, looking for Klingons or some other weird extraterrestrial thingamabob?  I like to know if you are as fucking weird as I am  Dammit ma'am, we've got six hundred and fifty planes.  And we've got radar...Churchill puts great faith in radar.

Let me know mores, and if you have another dog imitation.  


For the briefest of moments, my character thought that Maha had read and truly understood what had been done to her song, Ma...but that didn't turn out to be the case:


I wish you could be honest with me

 
HM


Hadiyya Maha <hadimaha360@gmail.com>

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1 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

Well that one went around and around. Better than most.

Have a fabulous day and weekend, Mike. My best to Seymour and Element. ☺

02 February, 2018 07:46  

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