She Almost Had Me At Maha

December 2017 wanted to go out widda badda bing.

It did on Christmas Day.  'Cuz that's when I got this from a Canadian named Hadi Maha.

Ah ha.  Phffffffffffft.

Sounds more like a Three Stooges skit, but I digress:

Hi, My name is Hadiya Maha from Canada  Presently working in Dubai 
United Arab Emirate,I would like to have personal talk with you, I do  
promise to be a very good friend and partner

inbox me (and she included her email where to inbox her).

So my character did:

What's in YOUR box?  (with no apologies to Capital One..).

So not only is her name Hadi Maha, a Canadian that writes her name in Arabic for the International Monkeytary Fund, but she don't read responses in English any better than her templates are prepared:


My dear

How are you today? I like to be open, i am a woman that have seen life, i have been in the social circle for many years, It really does not matter one's age or color or achievement, what matters in our life is nothing but Care and expression, expression of the heart..

This is the most important thing in life, to me the most beautiful thing created by God, is never seen, only felt in the heart. I have been hardworking all my life now, i must think of something better, to enjoy my life and probably have a family ,maybe relocate and start investing in other things.

Anyway, i like to tell you little about me, My name is Hadiya Maha , 36 years, Am a Canadian ,born and raised in Ontario . l almost had a child but so Unfortunately  i  lost my only daughter at child birth. I love all sport activities but my favorite is Gulf  which am planing to take up competitions later on after I end my career as a banker.

 Am working as an Senior Audit/banker in Abu Dhabi , National Bank of Abu Dhabi  ( NBAD) . I was married but my Ex Husband got married to another woman, which caused our divorce, but is ok, since he accused me of been so busy with my work and the bank and its accounting/auditing, that i was not having time for him, but he refused to understand that i was pursing a goal, i told him that soon

i would resign and we have enough time for each other but he was impatient. But is over between us,I am happy alone because I have everything i need. This is why I think of relocating to your country to get into investment and maybe own a small company which i can be able to manage...Enough of myself, would you tell me more about yourself too????  I like to know you better, what you really do and your position in your work, your marital status and where you reside now.

i  love to hear from you soon and about you  


So she wants to hear from and about my character, do she?  What to tell her, what to tell her...*Jeopardy Theme music*...and then, like the monkey on the one-hit show Touched By An Anvil, it hits me:

How are you today? Better or worse than the day before?  I have always harbor a belief in karma, psychic rubix cube and the philosophy that a man has only so many breaths before the next fart, and then you come along into my life, and the quadrangle is complete.  When I last left my mentor and sock puppet manipulator, I was but the learner..now I am the master.

I find openness appalling, unless it's a void, whereby that's okay.  I am a man that have seen life, I have been in reviled in social circle for many years.  It really does not matter one's age or color or achievement, what matters in our life is nothing but whether or not you can field strip a Salad Shooter into something considerably more lethal in two minutes flat.  The rest will take care of itself with Kevlar and plenty of ducking.

This is the most important thing in life, to me the most obfuscational thing created by God on one of His off days. I have been hardworking part of my life, and a lazy sack of shit other parts of it.  After seeing the movies Kelly's Heroes and Die Hard, I must think of something better, to enjoy my life, avoid unwrapped Twinkees in construction areas and probably have a lengthy talk with a Jesuit therapist or something not very akin at some point soon, before I become a traffic light in Bangkok, or something other things like that.

Anyway, since you ask, I like to tell you little about me, My name is Jack Ewehoff, with a number of adult years thrown upon my youth.  I was born in the wagon of a traveling show, my mama danced with yaks for the money they'd throw, while Papa would do whatever he could...preach a little sex tape..rape a couple donkeys while roaring drunk.  I am by birth Liechtensteinian; I have lived in a number of countries, none of them untouched by war or flatulence.  I am currently living in Liechtenstein, where they speak a form of German not heard since Hogan's Heroes.  l might have had a child, but being the man that most mothers warn their daughters about, I'm pretty much relegated to inflatables or the Mustang Ranch.  And they have warrants for me there after that fateful night the yak was stalled on Runway number 2...I got off and ran like hell, and the plane ran over her-r-r, which they turned into a real corny song but it made teenage girls cry in the 1960s.

Now they cry when they hear "self responsibility" on college campuses.  Go figure.

I love all sport activities but my favorite is Mine The Gulf  which am planning to do to really piss off the Iranians after I end my career as a roving soldier of fortune.

 Right now I'm working in an unnamed Middle Eastern country known for camels, cous cous and perpetual strife.  I carry a mercenary firearm disguised like a Salad Shooter, so when the enema see me coming or hear me breathing hard, they think to themselves "oh, a celebrity chef!" and then I open fire and become Chef Con Carnage and Chef Boy R Dee Structive.  I also have a line of explosive prayer rugs that send Islamofascist prophets through the roof...yes, I know that's not original, but it still make me laugh, like Napolean Dynamite.

If you didn't see it, see it.  Pay close attention to the tater tots.

I was married but my ex wife got married to another woman after a visit to the Democrapic National Committee for a Gender Neutrality summit, which caused our divorce, but is ok, since I left ten million crotch crickets in the basement of the DNC as a result.  It's obvious some of them got to Nancy Bela Pelosi and Maxi Pad Waters, but I digress.

I do soon plan to resign this lifestyle -- I can't get any more replacement parts for Salad Shooters on QVC -- and come up with something even more bizarre, like snake rope levitation with a recorder that plays the brown note in busy shopping malls in Washington DC.  I am happy alone because I can buy whatever I want and never get asked questions like "is my butt fat in these jeans?", which if I answered truthfully, she'd have a headache for a year and a half. 

This is why I think of relocating to another planet to get into investment and maybe own a small company which markets one eyed one horned flying purple people eaters.

But enough of myself, since I think you asked me about that and are sorry now you did.

Would you like to travel with me to space, where we can circle Uranus, looking for Klingons or some other weird extraterrestrial thingamabob?  I like to know if you are as fucking weird as I am  Dammit ma'am, we've got six hundred and fifty planes.  And we've got radar...Churchill puts great faith in radar.

Let me know mores, and if you have another dog imitation.  


For the briefest of moments, my character thought that Maha had read and truly understood what had been done to her song, Ma...but that didn't turn out to be the case:


I wish you could be honest with me

 

HM

 

Hadiyya Maha <hadimaha360@gmail.com>

 

Hi Dear,
I am very happy to see your letter,How are you?I have a strong feeling after my prayers today with fasting,I have a feeling that you are an honest person because of that honesty I choose you TO HAVE THIS CONFIDENTIAL DEAL WITH. Dear,I want to inquire from you if you can handle a transaction for mutual benefits/life opportunity for you and me. You know , I am the Chief International Relation Foreign Remittance Unit and the chief Auditor to my bank here United Arab Emirates.

I Have an Opportunity to the Sum of Fifteen Million,Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US$15.500.000.00),to transfer into your bank account over there in your country,I will provide the full details of this business transaction when once we known each other as business is with trust,one of our deceased customer left this fund in our bank for some years past and nobody has ever come for the claim since that time, that's why I have decided to contact you as a foreign partner to solidly stand on the claim, as the next of kin so that the money will be transferred to your private account, because the bank want to move the money into banking treasurer as unclaimed fund after a given period, if nobody comes for the claim,this year ending will complete the period of the years as they have started making meeting concerning it.

Please I don't want the money to enter into bank treasurer because I believe that this is the only opportunity God has giving me with the position I have in the bank, So I wouldn't like to loose it.I have perfected all strategies to ensure a hitch free transaction without any risk involved but I beg your indulgence to keep all matters relating to this transfer confidential until the fund hits your account,I personally contacted you and you alone.Because of the love and trust i have bestowed on you..That is why i took some days to know little about you. Now we must solidify our relationship with trust and this trust we must start it now,  i would not like you to betray this trust i have in you since the day i saw you first, my heart told me that you are the right man for me and that would handle this proposal well for two of us.  

 

 

So, she was very happy to SEE my letter, but didn't actually READ it, eh?  Oooooookayyyyy....

So what this comes down to is this:  you're a Canadian that's practicing chicanery in the UAE at the expense of the International Monkeytary Fund that you've managed by embezzlement or other means to purloin to the tune of over $15 Million USD.  And you want ME to aid and abet you in getting it out of where you are, and securing it where you want to be.  And in return for aiding you in this chicanery you'll give me a percentage of the purloined funds...is that the gist of your offer to give me the business?  


After that, a suggestion that either she's starting actually read the replies, or someone there is:



am not happy with your response,it means that you dont read my message,always read my massage carefully  


Time to inject a little vintage Steve Martin to the conversation:


Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuussssssssssssssssssssssse MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  I think my observations were valid, don't you?  Now to points, I am successful, cornfedant, and I can handle any business you try to give me with skill and amazing aplomb.  Not just anyone can say that in Azerbaijani.  If a sturgeon were a surgeon, would you think that fishy?     

Still, she not be reading what my character is writing:

Thanks for your mail, how are you doing together with your family, I hope all is well.

Kindly make sure that this information will be between you and me until we realized the success of this transaction.  What i want you to do now is to apply for the release of the fund into your account. Make sure you keep a top secret of this transaction because i don’t want any staff of the bank to know that i am responsible for this transaction. This is where i lay the future survival hope of our future ,family and its was the reason I tried to explain for your best understanding.

You should not change your name and nationality in this transaction because you are going to apply as the business partner to the deceased customer. Note, if you send this letter to the bank, the bank will not delay to contact you, but you should not respond back to the bank until i direct you on what to do.

This is to avoid mistake from your part. See the official letter below, complete it and send it through to the bank through the bank email address  of the bank as follows.

E-mail : nbad-bank@accountant.com

Phone: +97152143580
Fax: +97124375683

Immediately this fund is transferred into your account, then i will obtain visas to your country for the disbursement of the fund according to my proposal ratio. Immediately you apply, call me to update me that you have sent the letter to the bank.

My best regard to you and your family
it is nice to hear from you,thank you for accepting my request,

==============================

NATIONAL BANK OF ABU DHABI (NATIONAL SAVINGS BANK)
Address: Khalifa Bin Zayed Street (Khalifa Street)
Al Markaziya, Abu DhabiLandmark
Near Al Noor Hospital Zip Code
4 City of Abu Dhabi
E-mail : nbad-bank@accountant.com

Phone: +971521435808

Fax: +97124375683

                              APPLICATION FOR REQUEST OF CLAIM


Sir / Madam,

I am .................... from .......,the business partner to Late Dr. Benjack Dennis, who was assassinated on February 06, 2008 when Gun men shot him while still inside the Libya capital, Tripoli

After his funeral celebration, i discovered that he have an unclaimed and balance account Fifteen Million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars. ($15.5 Million) deposited in your bank when he was alive.

I hereby wish to bring to your notice that i am eager to apply for the funds claim as his business partner to enable your bank release and transfer his balance account of ($ 15.5 Million) into my nominated bank account. Upon your urgent response to this effect, I will send you my bank account information for the transfer of the above mentioned sum.

So i expect that your bank management will pay an urgent attention to my request and communicate me further with the related forms and documents necessary to claim this above mentioned sum without delay.

I apologize for late application for this claim as i have been arranging other things left since his sudden death occurred.

Yours sincerely,
.....................................

Contact telephone number: ..................................
Contact e-mail address:  ........................................
Contact Address: ...................................
Occupation:......................................
Country: ........................
Age: .................................  

Since she ain't paying attention, let's see if the bank does: 

  APPLICATION FOR REQUEST OF CLAIM


Sir / Madam,

I am from, the business partner to Late Dr. Benjack Dennis, who was assassinated on February 06, 2008 when Gun men shot him with a juiced up Salad Shooter using magnum beets while still inside the Libya capital, Tripoli

After his funeral celebration, i discovered that he have an unclaimed and unbalanced life style as a camel sex therapist working out of both the Washington DC based DNC and a basement office in your bank when he was alive.

I hereby wish to bring to your notice that i am eager to apply for renting the space that he was using in your basement there so his business partner -- Hadiyya Maha -- can take up where he left off.

So i expect that your bank management will pay an urgent attention to my request and communicate me further with the related forms and documents necessary to engineer these needful things above mentioned without delay.

I apologize for late application for this claim as i have been arranging gender neutrality therapy for his goats since his sudden death occurred.

Yours sincerely,
 Jack N Ewehoff

Authorized agent for Hadiyya Maha

Contact telephone number: ..................................303-***-****
Contact e-mail address:  ........................................ hadimaha360@gmail.com

Contact Address: ...................................*** Apex Valley Road  ******** City CO 80427
Occupation:......................................Entremanure
Country: ........................USA
Age: .................................45  

 

Wunst again, we wait *Jeopardy Theme music*

 

 
...unfortunately, the Jeopardy Theme, even looped, signaled ol' Maha giving a nah-nah to more ah-ha in my character's direction.

 

Curly would have been disappointed.

 

 

JE