The Scammers Need New Schticks

Scammers seriously need to update their templates.

For a glaring example of out of touch and contemporary times, get this one:


GOOD DAY TO YOU.

I HOPE THIS MAIL FINDS YOU IN GOOD SPIRIT AND IN GOOD HEALTH? BECAUSE I AM  QUITE AWARE OF YOUR LOSSES IN THE PAST YEARS NOW, IT MAY SURPRISE YOU THAT  I AM ALSO AWARE OF YOUR CONSIGNMENT BOXES PURSUIT IN BENIN GHANA TOGO  NIGERIA SPAIN-FRANCE MALAYSIA INDONESIA CHINA AND KOREA .MY NAME IS MRS.  JANET NAPOLITANO,THE SECRETARY OF U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY OF  AMERICA , AM IN CHARGE TO MONITORED ALL FOREIGN TRANSACTIONS IN AFRICA  EUROPE AND ASIA.

I HAVE BEEN IN THE U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY NOW SINCE THE  GOVERNMENT OF PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, MONITORING THE VARIOUS TRANSACTIONS  GOING ON IN AFRICA, EUROPE AND ASIA, MOST ESPECIALLY CONSIGNMENTS CASES AND  BANK TRANSFER. I DO NOT INTEND TO SPOIL YOUR DAY OR TO PUT YOU UNDER DURESS.

BUT YOU CAN NOT RECEIVE ANY OF YOUR CONSIGNMENTS BOXES PURSUIT, WITHOUT A  CLEARANCE FROM THE U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY. HOWEVER, UPON MY  ARRIVAL IN BENIN REPUBLIC AFTER SERIES OF MEETINGS WITH OUR PRESIDENT  BARRACKS OBAMA AND UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY GENERAL BAN KI-MOON, DUE TO  NUMEROUS COMPLAINS FROM OTHER SECURITY AGENCIES FROM AFRICA ASIA, EUROPE,  OCEANIA, ANTARCTICA,SOUTH AMERICA AND THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA  RESPECTIVELY, AGAINST THE BENIN GOVERNMENT AND NIGERIA OVER THE RATE OF  SCAM/FRAUDULENT ACTIVITIES GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY AND AFRICA.   


Makes me laugh.

This edit of the email probably didn't go over so well on their end:


From: HOME L. SECURITY <united_hls.net@hotmail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, January 25, 2017 4:33 AM
To:  bonelessnachos911@hotmail.com
Subject: GOOD EVADES THOSE WHO FART  

I HOPE THIS MAIL FINDS YOU NO MATTER IF YOU'RE DISGUISED AS A MARCHING VAGINA IN A GAGGLE OF UGLY PEOPLE. BECAUSE I AM QUITE AWARE OF YOUR ILLEGITIMACY IN THE PAST YEARS NOW, IT MAY SURPRISE YOU THAT I AM ALSO AWARE OF YOUR PAINFUL RECTAL ITCH DEPOSIT YOU LEFT IN A CONSIGNMENT BOX WHICH WE -- AT GREAT EXPENSE -- HAVE HAD TO PURSUE THROUGH BENIN GHANA TOGO
NIGERIA SPAIN FRANCE MALAYSIA INDONESIA CHINA KOREA LIECHTENSTEIN URANUS BILL CLINTON'S GENITAL HUMIDOR AND INTO THE BASEMENT OF THE DNC. 

MY NAME IS MRS. JANET NAPOLITANO, A FORMER AUDITIONEE AT THE CLINTON GLOBAL GENITAL HUMIDOR INITIATIVE (I DIDN'T WIN), A FORMER JUSTICE DEPARTMENT *FAIL*, A FORMER COSTUMED GENITAL MARCHING AT THE DISGRUNTLED LEFTARDS MARCH IN DC LAST WEEK AND AM NOW PLAYING THE SECRETARY OF U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY OF AMERICA, WHERE I AM IN CHARGE TO MONITORED ALL FOREIGN SMELL PECKING POGROMS ON GALAXY NOTE 7S THAT AIN'T YET BLOWD UP.  

I HAVE BEEN IN THE U.S DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY NOW SINCE MY ROLE AS A MARCHING CLIT ENDED AFTER SATURDAY, SO NOW I'M PLAYING LIKE I WORK IN THE GOVERNMENT OF PRESIDENT barACK OBOLA, EVEN THOUGH HE AIN'T THERE NO MO.  WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO JUST NOW IS MONITORING THE VARIOUS EXECUTIVE ODORS THAT PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP IS UNDOING OF barACK'S TO SEE IF I CAN FIND MY GOLDEN TAMPON EARRINGS.  I KNOW THEY'RE HEAR SOMEWHERE.

SEE WHAT I JUST DID THERE?

 I DO NOT INTEND TO SPOIL YOUR DAY OR TO PUT YOU UNDER DURESS BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER CLOTHES THAT WILL FIT YOUR FAT ASS.  SORRY.

BUT YOU CAN NOT RECEIVE ANY OF YOUR CONSIGNMENTS BOX WITHOUT A CLEARANCE FROM CLARENCE, ROGER OVER ("HUH?"). HOWEVER, UPON MY ARRIVAL IN BENIN REPUBLIC AFTER SERIES OF MEETINGS WITH CHEFS OF THE HUMAN CULINARY INSTITUTE OF FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS, PRESIDENT EATING RAOUL BASTING, DUE TO NUMEROUS COMPLAINS ABOUT MICHAEL MOORON AND CHELSEA MISHANDLER, THEY ARE NOW BANNED FROM TAKING THEIR OVERWEIGHT AND CROSSED EYED SCHTICK TO AFRICA ASIA, EUROPE, OCEANIA, ANTARCTICA,SOUTH AMERICA AND THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA RESPECTIVELY.

I UNDERSTAND THEY ARE STILL WELCONE IN THE UNISEX TOILET IN THE BASEMENT OF THE DNC.  

WHEN I ARRIVE IN THE BENIN PARLIAMENT IN COTONOU, I FOUND A BANQUET IN PROGRESS AND WATCHED THEM EAT PARIS HILTON'S CHIHUAHUA.  MEANWHILE, I WAS MADE TO UNDERSTAND THAT THEY HAVE TO TRY TO EAT YOU, BUT NO WAY AND THEY HAVE MADE SEVERAL ATTEMPTS TO ARRANGE FOR YOUR DELIVERY TO THEIR CHEFS BUT TO NO AVAIL.

TO MY GREATEST SURPRISE, YOU SEEM WILLING TO LET THESE FINE YOUNG CANNIBALS STARVE.  YOU PRICK.

BASED ON THIS PERSONAL DISCOVERY, I AM OFFERING THEM ROSIE O'DONNELL, IF THE PLANE SHE'S UPENDED IS EVER REPAIRED. 

ON AN UNRELATED NOTE -- B FLAT -- THE OFFICE OF JAMES CLAPPER HAS BEEN INTERCEPTING ALL YOUR TELEPHONE CALLS, WITH THE HELP OF MTN, TIGO VODAFONE, AIR-TEL NETWORK AND A REALLY LONG ASS STRING CONNECTING TWO CANS, HERE IN BENIN.  THEY REALLY WISH YOU'D STOP THE HEAVY BREATHING SHIT.

YOU ARE ADVICE TO HENCE FORT STOP FURTHER DEALINGS WITH ANY AND ALL THE ABOVE MENTIONED PEOPLE ALONG WITH ALL THE WHINY DOUCHE NOZZLES AND TWAT WAFFLES IN HOLLYWAD, UNTIL WE COMPLETE OUR INVESTIGATION OF WHY CHRIS MATTHEWS AT MSNBC GETS A LEG TINGLE LOOKING AT PICTURES OF HELLARY CLINTON IN A 7XXXL BUTT THONG.

BECAUSE THIS IS SO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS.

I WANT YOU TO PLEASE STOP COMMUNICATING ON TWITTER AND USE STRICTLY THE SECURE COMMUNICATIONS WE HAVE HIDDEN IN HELLARY'S EMAIL SERVER THAT ONLY THE RUSSIANS, CHINESE AND WIKILEAKS CAN READ.  

IN ORDER WORDS YOUR BOX IS BEING HIDDEN JUST NOW BECAUSE ROB REINER'S FAT ASS IS SITTING ON IT WHILE HE ARRANGES A HOLLYWAD STRIKE AGAINST MAKING ANY MOVIES OR TV UNTIL HELLARY CLINTON IS AWARDED THE PRESIDENCY OF URANUS.  ALL OF HIS AND HER FELLOW BEHINDS ARE ADAMANT TO THIS END.  YOU ARE EXPECTED TO CONTRIBUTE $350 TO THE INAUGURAL BALL WHEN THIS HAPPENS AND WEAR A COSTUME VAGINA BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT CNN WILL FILM AND REPORT ON, ALONG WITH BURNING TRASHED PROPERTY AND PHOTOSHOPPED VIDEOS OF CHER BEFORE ALL HER BOTOX.

AS SOON AS I ARRIVE I SHALL CALL YOU ON YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER THEN MEET YOU IN PERSON AND RECEIVE FROM YOUR HAND YOUR THUMB AND INDEX FINGER BEFORE I RETURN BACK TO
WASHINGTON DC, WHEREUPON I WILL SHOVE THEM UP MY ASS AND HOPE YOU DIDN'T HAVE HANG NAILS.

I HAVE TAKEN THIS ASSIGNMENT UPON MYSELF BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND NOTHING ABOUT THE PLOT OF THE GONG SHOW OR HOW TRUMP GOT ELECTED.

SEND THE MONEY FEE I MENTIONED ONCE HERETOFORE VIA MONKEY GRAM MONKEY TRANSFER, WHEN IT ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NEEDS TO GET ALL JACKED UP IN THE EXECUTION.

RECEIVER’S NAME:…………MARK EUNUCH
COUNTRY:……….. BENIN REPUBLIC
CITY:……………..COTONOU
AMOUNT:……….$350.00
QUESTION:……..WTF
ANSWER:………….NOW TF

NOTHING ELSE IS NEEDED, THANK YOU.

AS SOON AS YOU SEND THE FEE MAKE SURE YOU TOTALLY SCREW UP BY NOT SENDING ME THE PAYMENT INFORMATION. 
 

It didn't get a response from the scammer, though it will probably get a mention at the next "Genitals R Us Against Trump" gathering in a leftist dump near someone.