Meet Angela Lowry Daniele. As decked out h'yar, she claims to be a "sergeant army officer" with the US Army in Afghanistan.
And she's ronery.
I'll bet Kim Jong Il would love to meet up with her, if he wasn't so inconveniently dead.
My character gets these unsolicited "can we talk?" scam emails all the time. About a week after he responded to this one with a "undt vhut shall ve sprechen abooten?", he gets the following email along with some rather impressive photos:
How are you and your family doing today? i hope all is well with you?
First i will have to say that I am sorry for my late reply to your message, i have been busy with work, as we went on outside work, I am very happy for meeting you here and i will be willing to open my heart to know more about you. I am 31 years old in US Army a sergeant presently in Afghanistan working as an American military officer.
knowing one another doesn't take years, it just take seconds to meet someone and be good friends, that i why i sent you message in the first place, because you profile picture caught my attention and I will like to know more about you and be friends with you, if you do not mind okay and i will tell you more about myself when i get your reply..
Are you married or single? do you have any children? how old are you? and what do you work? i want to know more about you and i do not mind coming to your country once am done with my service here,I hope to hear from you again, please do take care of yourself and have a nice
It is signed as Angela Lowry Daniele.
I find a number of things amusing as hell here, not the least of which is (a) that's supposed to be her uniform (b) she references my character's profile and photo (he has neither) and her other two pictures are supposed to be as convincing as the one above:
Oh hell yeah: my character is convinced. So much so, here's his response:
My name is Ukulele. You may call me "Uk" (pronounced "Yuke"). I am 40 and work in the defense industry in Liechtenstein. You are very charming. What can I do for you?
That draws this:
Thank you so much for your good respond for my message .It is my pleasure having you as my friend. Knowing one another is a gradual process and here are few things I think you should know about me, I am American Citizen and also a soldier and before I was serving in the American Army base but right now I am leading a troop in Afghanistan, I Love meeting people, reading, traveling too!!and also sharing ideas and also I care about nature, human being, love arts, environment, social culture,....etc. I am 31 years old . My full name is Angela Daniela American National and I am still in Afghanistan but will be going back to my country VERY
That's nice. Say...perhaps when you get some leave from Afghanistan, you could come meet with me in Liechtenstein? It is a lovely place. Google it.
So naturally, my character needs pictures of the Liechtenstein military industrial complex, in case Sgt Officer Angela makes inquiries about it.
Enter teh Gooble and therein got me some:
Liechtenstein's Air Force (someone might suggest an upgrade sometime).
Liechtenstein's Navy (like they're anywhere near water...).
Liechtenstein Army (and this is probably more than they really have).
Of course, what's an army widdout a band?
In actuality, Liechtenstein has no standing army (they primarily sit) and haven't had since about 1868. A story goes the rounds that the last time Liechtenstein's military was committed to anything, 80 men went forth...81 returned (an Italian deserter liked life on the other side). Liechtenstein was last formally invaded in the early 1800s; it was inadvertently invaded in 2007 by a 170 person Swiss Army unit (knives optional)...and they (the Swiss) were lost.
Guess they have 2nd lieutenants with compass problems, too.
At any rate, after having shared all this with my character's newly found and udderly fascinating friend, 'she' refers me to her commanding officer, and asks that I contact him to arrange for her to have leave to come and be with me in Liechtenstein.
This should be good:
Ok dear if you can apply for my leave, write to my boss for me to come to Liechtenstein and we get married to you, he will grant it and i will come over to Liechtenstein to meet you...
Who is your boss and how do I write to him/her?
This is the contacts of my boss..
you can call him or send him email or you send me your own contact details let me forward it him in UK.
Awesome. Here is my contact information here in Liechtenstein:
Dr. Ukulele Ungabunga
Phone 423 *** ** **
I will be happy to arrange with him your leave to come here!
So my character contacts the General and thus begins a new chapter:
I am General David Morgan from US MILITARY BASE, I received your details from your fiance Angela Daniel our Military officer in Afghanistan.
I am trying to contact you but your line is not connecting, kindly send your main line to me now so that i can reach you immediately.
US MILITARY CAMP-001.
There seems to be a problem with the phones since yesterday. Communicate me in email as that seems to be working.
You are welcome dear, if you can take care of her travelling bills, i will approve her leave to see you.
General David Morgan.
A general calling my character "dear"? Whoa..but ol' Ukster will let it go for now:
I do believe that I can. How do we make this arrangement?
The arrangement is for you to pay for her flight ticket through and fro which will cost €750. You are to make the payment via western union to United state so that we can book for her trip of seeing you immediately. Payment details: William Schifferli 27 Callede Las Sonata Rancho Santa Magarida 92688.
Allow me to confirm the details: cost of air travel for Angela is 750 Euros. I am to wire this money via Western Union to the following person to make the purchase of travel for Angela: William Schifferli 27 Callede Las Sonata Rancho Santa Magarida 92688. Just for my edification, who is this person and how is he to arrange for Angela's travel?
Yes this is our secretary's details, so that we can book her trip. please kindly send address details to your fiance Angela Daniele immediately you make the payment so that she can start coming immediately.
Trust me, General, when she gets here, I'll have her coming very soonest, and in a manner she'll enjoy.
No problem dear, please take care of her.
There he goes again with the "dear" sh*t. Still restraining my character:
Of course, General. I intend to marry her and make her my own little princess. And in Liechtenstein, she'll fit right in as a princess.
Now that everything seems to be agreed to, the "Genital" starts to betray some impatience:
When are you making the payment? so that we tell her to get ready to meet you dear
There he is with that "dear" sh*t again...still my character kinda maintains restraint:
General Dear, I will be making that payment to your secretary tomorrow (Thursday, April 6). What country is your secretary in? It didn't appear to be a UK address. I don't want to screw up the wire transfer.
The secretary is in Califoria okay
Ohhhhhh...Califoria. That's in the western United States, right? Okay. Our local Vaduz Western Union can handle that okay.
Okay...my character's just GOTTA say something this time:
General, you do know that I'm a male and not a female, right? It's so weird that you keep calling me 'dear'.
It appears that this clarification creates a little butt hurt over yonder:
Never mind okay
Just sayin', General. It sounds weird. You just get the leave papers issued to Angela when I wire your secretary the money and we'll be fine.
Just hurry up and send the money dear. She can't be start leaving before you do.
What did I tell you about that 'dear' sh*t?
Remember I am general of army and her boss. do not unrespect me.
Genital, if it wasn't for you having to sign her taking leave papers, we wouldn't be talking about jack sh*t. Don't get uppity with me...I'm not in YOUR army, sleevy or anythingee. Kapish?
Okay. Make sure to send my secretary her travel money soonest like you promise.
Genital, I have never broked a promise that mattered. Except a few times.
I'm oft times glad these yutzes don't read so good. Now that it's the next day, my character notifies the Genital:
The funds are wired to your secretary in Califoria, Genital. You may sign off on Angela's travel papers.
Ok, kindly send the western union details now.
Details: I used the Western Union at Austrasse 105, 9490 Vaduz, Liechtenstein.
Western union details from the bank, your information and the pin they gave you from the bank
Sent to: William Schifferli 27 Callede Las Sonata Rancho Santa Magarida, CA 92688
Sent from: Dr. Ukulele Ungabunga Austrasse 15 9490 Vaduz Liechtenstein
They didn't give me a pen. They didn't give me an apple. I came away with neither an apple or a pen. They weren't having a special on that today I guess. Uh.
a pin not a pen. It is on the receipt. Give it to me now.
The receipt? How do I do that now? You're th'yah and I'm h'yah.
what is go on there?
The beat goes on. The beat goes on. Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain...la de da de de, la de da de dah...Liechtensteinian National Anthem, y'know.
Have you done western union before?... go bank and tell the bank to give you the western union information Mr. William have not received anything from you. We are not joking here please...
What do you mean, "have you done Western Union before?"....how do you mean that, "have I done them?". Done them how?
Ok What we need is the information given to you from the bank with the pin. Thank you, Mr William have not receive any thing from you
I sent it to him just where and how you instructed. WTF? And what pin are you talking about? A clothes pin? Safety pin? What pin??? You're making this unnecessarily difficult, Genital. I sent you the money you said was required for Angela's leave. I sent it...so let her leave. #LetAngelaLeave
. (I mean, aren't hash tags all the online rage? Don't they move mountains and change people's minds on sh*t?)
After inserting an interlude for waiting (aka *The Jeopardy Theme*), ol' "Yuke" got this from the Genital:
stop emailing me you fraud.
Fine...I'll just encourage Angela to dessert, or entrée, or whatever term you Genitals in the Army call it. We Liechtemfine in Liechtenstein, y'know.
Of course, dear ol' Angela Lowry Daniele stopped communicating too. Funny how that worked. Even a hash tag couldn't save that one.
Too bad, too: she'd of made a helluvan addition at Ocktoberfest...ach, vhat a pair of liebers!