Saturday, June 11, 2016

DHS Don't Wanna Be Left Out...

On the same day that I was hearing from the FauxBI (see previous post), I was also hearing from DHS (Department of Homeland Security). 

Similar emails.  Similar scams.  Just different departments.

Eh.

Here's the opening salvo from DHS:

US DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY  ( DHS )  Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Washington, DC 20528

ATTN ,

This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly completed an Investigated with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring Network System that you are having an transaction Consignment Box filed with united state dollars which is on held at custody of New York City police department, During our Investigation, it came to our notice that the reason why you have not received your payment is because you have not obtain your Award Ownership Certificate which Mr Mozie David confirmed that it will cost you the sum of $75.00  to obtain the document on your behalf before the diplomat will accompany your consignment to your door step,

Since the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has been involved in this transaction, you are now to be rest assured that this transaction is legitimate and completely risk-free as it is our duty to Protect and Serve citizens of the United States Of America.  


Nice touch about the protect and serve crap.

At any rate, since my pet rock, Seymour, was tied up with the FauxBI edit, this one was mine (and will 'splain the picture at the top):

> Date: Fri, 22 Apr 2016 07:50:46 +0000
> From: kevin_laughlin24@yahoo.com
> Subject: US DEPARTMENT OF HORNED TOAD SUCKURITY
>
> US DEPARTMENT OF HORNED TOAD SUCKURITY ( DHTS ) Department of Horned Toad Suckurity (DHTS) Washington, DC 20528
>
>
> ATTN ,
>
> This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly completed an Investigated with the help of our Artllyfishal Intelligent Minkey Biscuits Nitwit System that painful rectal itch has spread beyond SNL and that you are having an Consignment Box filed with it which is on held at custody of New York City police department.  And they is not happily with you since it leaked we must say. 
 
During our Investigation, it came to our notice that the reason why you have not received your box is because someone there thought it was full of donuts and opened it...all sorts of precincts are dragging their asses on the sidewalks because of that.   
 
So now you will has to obtain your Award Ownership Certificate which Mr Mozie David confirmed that it will cost you several hundred dozens of tubes of Preparation H.
>
> Since the Department of Horned Toad Suckurity (DHTS) has been involved in this transaction, it's gotten even worse.  You are now to be rest assured that this transaction is totally illegitimate and completely f**ked up because as an organization ruined by Barack Soetero Obola,  it is our duty to undercut and deceive citizens, horned toads and other assorteds of the United States Of America.
 All you have to do is immediately contact Mr Mozes David via E-mail for instructions on how to ship several hundred dozens of tubes of Preparation H to New York City police Department to enable them to recover from the inadvertent opening of your consignment box, Kindly look below to find appropriate contact information:
>
> CONTACT INFORMATION
> Name: Mr Mozes David (aka an African Sack of Sh*t)
> Email; msmindam1@gmail.com
>
> This is the contains details on how you will use to make the payment of several hundred dozens of tubes of Preparation H today,
>
> Receive' Name ...........JOHN OBALLM OLLON
>
> City:................Cotonou
> Country:..........Benin Republic
> Question:.......... IN ASS
> Answer:.............. WE APPLY
> Amount:.................several hundred dozen tubes of Preparation H
> MTCN:.......................
> Sender Name.......................
>
> Therefore you will be required to send confirmation to Mr Mozie David who is the African sack of sh*t you are suppose to deal with in regards of this Ownership Certificate via Western Union or Minkey Gram.  Only then can he direct you to send the several hundred dozens of tubes of Preparation H to the New York City police department, and get them to stop dragging their asses across the sidewalks in Time Square.

> This letter will serve as proof that the Department of Horned Toad Suckurity (DHTS) is authorizing you to pay the required several hundred dozen tubes of Preparation H ONLY to the New York City police department.
>
> Once you have completed payment of several hundred dozens of tubes of Preparation H to the New York City police department,  immediately contact me back rapidly.
>
> Mr. Kevin Laughlin
> Special Agent DHTS.
That hasn't drawn any response from the originating scammer; it might get a 'New York values' rant from the stormtrumper:
 

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