This email was sent to Bonco, UnInc, makers of PhffftAsure and The Ab-Dominationizer, because if anyone would be selling tickets to an event as named above, it’d be those clowns. If you’re receving this instead of them, that means their new all-in-one-email-texting-phoning-scanning-waffle iron isn’t working yet. Figures.
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From: Colorado Department of We Know We Ain’t Done Sendin These Yet [mailto:cdowkwadstyt@service.govdelivery.com]
Sent: Sunday, February 15, 2015 8:15 PM
To
Subject: WB I-70 Open -Beaver Brook
OPEN- Westbound I-70 at Beaver Brook, MM 240, after multiple snowball fights between a variety of critters and some humans. Despite not getting the memo, the buffalo won with a 10’ snowball that took out in bowling pin style a phalanx of elk and jackalope that had joined forces against the wombats and yeti, and a human armed with a John Deere snowblower that was disqualified after a yeti got snow in his ear and filed a PETA complaint that is lost in translation with the organization People for the Endifferent Treatment of Artichokes. Your results would not have varied, snowblower or not. That was one big honkin’ snowball.
This email was sent to Bonco, UnInc, makers of the Buga-BOOM and the EZ-NAV-1, neither of which won one vote on the BBB’s “10,000 Most Useless Products Ever Mess Produced” List…they just missed at 10,009 and 10,005 respectively. Again, since you’re getting this and not Bonco, lets us know that their new, all-in-one email-texting-faxing-scanning-phoning-waffle iron still isn’t working. Which is probably a good thing, since texting while waffling is hard enough without throwing in waffled text that can’t be read by anyone not equipped with special Mrs Butterworth’s No D glasses with the handy pour spout that only misses when the user is wearing their Sunday go-to-meetin’ finery. Consumer Retorts had a product analysis ready to go, but a yeti poured syrup on it and ate it. Thus when we asked Consumer Retorts if their product analysis was ready, they respond “not yeti”. They so siwwy.
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From: Colorado Department of Emailing The Obvious [mailto:cdoeto@service.govdelivery.com]
Sent: Sunday, February 15, 2015 23:59 PM
To:
Subject: Travel Advisorary -Winter Storm Thingee Is Heresabouts
Winter Storm Thingee Is Heresabouts Warning- Hidy, y’all. We here in this lil’ state bureau what gots little else to do but decompose emails of dubious antecedence and content, frequently later than y’all might coulda used ‘em…wahl, this here ‘un is probably anuddah one like dat there. We gots this thang h’yar called a Winter Storm Warning. That means that there’s a winter storm h’yarbouts. It differs from a Summer Storm Warning in that this h’yar thingee rains the white cold stuff some folks calls snow, and other folks calls less delicate terms. It ain’t got the atmospheric fahrworks, like lightning, thunder or them cloud-ta-ground swirly thangs that mess up yore hair, immediate geographicals or drops houses on fairy tale broom riders. But this winter storm thang does other irritating thangs like makes drivers go slow enough that a snail can skateboard along ahind ‘em; OR when some driver from a fahrweather place like Texus – with a pick ‘em up truck e-quipped with cow bells and tahrs long since shed of tread – goes sliding through an intersection doin’ 360s and sounding a bovine “general quarters” kinda noise, with the driver cursin’ “danged Yankee weather” and all.
H’yar is whut them fellers at the Nashunal Weather Soivice sez: “Heavy snow expected on the I-70 mountain corridor” DUH. They foithah sez “Chains, snow tires, flame throwers, napalm, a conga line of yetis with snow shovels or 4-wheel drive recommended for various and assorted reasons, not all of which make sense where winter storm warning thingeemabobs ain’t happenin’. Anyway, y’all now knows what y’all already knowd afore we telled ya the obvious. Yuppers.
This email was sent to a fairy tale female in ruby red slippers who tried to go to Kansas and wound up in Siberia, and in her understandable fury at having been duped by the script writers, used them awesomely powerful slippers in a manner not intended by the script writers, National Weather Service or Punxatawny Phil, and with three heel clicks just up and dumped all over us h’yar. That’s our story and we’re sticking to it, cross our hearts and so help us to another serving of coffee or what passes fer it at the drink station. Your results will vary depending on that sassy tart’s mood when she clicks them heels…a trip to Uranus is not out of the question, or being turned into a platypus snake armadillo spider critter, too. That could explain where our bus went this night…
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From: Colorado Department of Shrinking Stuff [mailto:cdoss@service.govdelivery.com]
Sent: Monday, February 16, 2015 2:55 AM
To:
Subject: Loveland Pass Closed
US-6 Loveland Pass originally closed for avalanche reduction. We’re working on a shrinking formula first used by Dr. Miguelito Loveless during a Wild Wild West episode, though ours is intended to be better. However, our first try at avalanche reduction actually shrank Loveland Pass. Now even a hummingbird won’t fit through it. Our bad. The formula needs tweaking. It did work to shrink avalanches to a third less calories than a regular beer, but still taste great. We tried it at the Tivoli. Didn’t shrink the waitress, so…well, we’ll keep working on it.
This email was sent to the mouse that roared seconds before the great horned owl demonstrated how little regard it had for a roaring mouse. Had the mouse farted instead…the owl might have instead gone for the camo-painted Yugo across the parking lot. . Good argument for beans in your next taco salad. As the old dental joke goes, “abscess make the fart go honda”. No wonder Harvey Korman couldn’t stop laughing at Tim Conway…
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From: Colorado Department of Tater Tots & Why They Riot After Napolean Dynamite [mailto:cdottwtrand@service.govdelivery.com]
Sent: Monday, February 16, 2015 6:12 PM
To:
Subject: Tater Tot Rebellion
Heavy Eastbound rioting by tater tots that saw a re-release of Napolean Dynamite is threatening Central City restaurants on a line east by northeast of run amok llamas and pots ‘n pans salespersons who run afoul of tai kwan dough experts. NEVER show a movie to tater tots wherein a pocket filled with them gets squarshed. Fries, onion rings and mushrooms are signing on in sympathy with the tater tots. Bringing up twice baked potatoes doesn’t help; they like the “one ‘n done” approach.
This email was sent to Sock Puppets Anonymous using a Miss Piggy “Hiiiiiiigh YAH!” right cross that never failed to lay out Kermit for a at least a commercial break. Your results depend on where she whacks you. The Colorado Department of Sock Puppet Violence considers this a public announcement of dubious content and questionable side orders. Since this all started with tater tots, we blame Napolean Dynamite.
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From: Colorado Department of Tunnel Avalanche Control & Tex-Mex Grill [mailto:cdotactmg@service.govdelivery.com]
Sent: Thwednesday, February 17, 2015 9:20 AM Hawaiian Tsunami Time
To:
Subject: Avalanche control Inside I-70 Eisenhower/Johnson Tunnels
Avalanche control work underway I-70 inside the Eisenhower/Johnson Tunnels. We don’t know about you, but we find avalanches inside the tunnel an annoyance akin to fingernails on a black bear. And when you lay your fingernails on a black bear and he chases you, THAT is an annoyance…inconvenience…and you never have on the right shoes. Thus, avalanches inside of tunnels. Bad karma. Bad for car’s ma, too. See what we just did there? Try their fried bean and carp taco surprise. It goes good with wisdom tooth removal.
This email was sent to Why We Don’t Do Tunnels Under Florida.com using manatee guides; they get distracted by warm springs, boats, a fish called Wanda, jet skis and water sports involving horseshoes with the horses still attached. One of them went on cnn claiming to have found Atlantis, but it wound up being the underwater vault of Al Capone and only contained the original plans for Newark, NJ, guarded by a Great White shark with gum disease and dentures, nicknamed Flaws. He hopes to get a part in Jaws X – The Retirement, another Transfarmers flop by the Hollyweird director that stole my name so he could make bad movies and get me blamed for them, like Pearl Harbor Sucked And I Miss You, sung by Taylor Swift’s eye lash stretcher, Horace. Whatever your results, no grammy for him.
My pet rock still thinks that edits like this will win him a Pulitzer. Argue as I might, he counters that Obola got a Noballs for doing nothing. So mebbe Seymour WILL win something for this...probably a better award than Hildebeest is looking at.
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1 Comments:
You know I'm partial to Seymour. Very. He does everything perfectly in my view. Especially Obola got a Noballs for doing nothing.
Have a fabulous day. I hope Seymour can stay out of trouble in his new temporary home. ☺
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