Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Anuddah Oh Whoops

My pet rock, Seymour, absolutely positively loves it when the lamestream servile mediocres lay a national egg on a story.

Like Snowmageddon '15.

Quick with an edit, Seymour was all over this story with an edited take of his own:

How'd The National Press Club Blow Snowmaggedon '15 And Other Non Sequiturs?

By Seymour PetRock, Disassociated Press News & Laundry

New Yorkers woke up expecting to be completely wiped off the face of the Earth by a blizzard that was mightier than ever before, because msnbc, cnn and the other junk networks said it would be. Epic snow amounts, massive human-caused global farting, tsunamis, earthquakes, an ELE was all supposed to hit the city on Monday night.  And not necessarily in that order.

Instead, what they got was AlSharpton, Bill de Blasio, and the other usual pack of substandard nincompoops. And New Yorkers felt screwed again.

Not that having Sharpton, de Blasio and other leftist nincompoops is a good thing. It's not, of course.  However, the 'storm of the century' that lamestream servile mediocres tried to panic the population with with wide eyes and shrieks of “It's George Bush's fault!”, and dire end-of-life-as-we'd-know-it-on-Uranus-if-we-wuz-there reporting, caused the city to practically shut down with subway service suspended and all road travel to get 20 oz drinks banned.

The massive agw-caused polar vortex tidal drift predicted for New Jersey and Philadelphia also failed to materialize. But meteorologists were right about New England: balls are still deflating there, and not one Patriot professes to has a clue. 
"Nature sets...the pitch...and the leftist mediocres swing and a miss…again" Darn Zero, the chief meteorologist for The Occupy Village Idiot, wrote in a bathroom stall in Poukeepsie.

Perhaps the most extensive not mea, he did it culpa came from president Obola's weather czar Harry Reidkowski, a drum circle researcher at the National Weather Service's Where Do We Put This office in Hollycow, N.J., who apologized to ISIS for not being able to report that Gitmo was closed due to the worst snow in Cuban memory.   
Pilate Kramps, a claimed weatherologist at the cBS Dan Rather Document Manufacturer Center, assured online critics that she and her colleagues are blaming the New England Patriots, NRA, Rush Limbaugh, The Gong Show and Punxatawney Phil for this one.  
So how did the lamestream servile mediocres get this one so wrong?

With this storm, they knew there would be a chance to claim “see, it's global warming!!!” creating a "western wall of snow," where everything would be blamed on conservatives, Congress, Israel and a flatulent goat herd in Mecca, Ohio according to Jay Con Carnage, Manager in charge of throwing out warnings about anything could happen until the general population bit like a catfish on stink bait.
“The gradient during this storm was very much eased, because tighter gradients make for low self esteem and we simply cannot have that”, said Con Carnage.  "The science of forecasting stories that we can panic the public with while continually degrading our credibility, still can be subject to error, especially if we're on the edge of a Super Bowl with deflated balls," the Washington DC Press Club said before deleting it two hours later. "Efforts to discredit genuine research and keep the public misinformed to the point of wiping out stocks of Cheetos, toilet paper and beer are already underway to more easily miscommunicate uncertainty."             

Weather predictions for the United States used to depend on data from two Geostationary Operational Environmental Satellite system (GOES) satellites. Now, it's what the resident psychic and meth-addicted medium-well at msnbc comes up with as the newest political correctness violation of the moment.

In 2016 the medium is slated to be replaced with a Ouija board, while the satellites are slated to be replaced with two new GOES-PHFFFT satellites, with a third less satel than the current ones, and that same metallic taste. They will take images of James Taylor hugging France with much better ball inflation and will be able to sense that Joe Bidumb is about to say something stupid again that current satellites can't detect.

"There should be an increase in the quality of made up panics due to the simple fact that we control the horizontal, we control the vertical, we control the lamestream servile mediocres" Con Carnage told msnbc gnus, which were groveling and bowing the whole time.

“Still, we need to develop better ways to keep the story on football inflation and off Benghazi”, he said.  "It's going to require greater special effects than those on South Park, it's going to require greater bullshevik than our current White House press secretary is capable of," Con Carnage said. "But we've still got the dislikes of Don Lemon, Rachal Madcow and Toure when all else fails DWS's hairdresser in these situations."   

msnbc gnus' chief propagandist Tingles Matthews pointed out that this was still George Bush's fault. His “and all of the global warming deniers who make fun of AlGore because he's a nincompoop”. “What we talking point is only as good as the talking points we get from that psaki dingbat at State", which is in turn dependent on talking points she gets from the DNC.  
"Until we spend more money and get more people on food stamps, free phones, death panel hellthscare and ways to protect footballs from being deflated, we're always going to need ways to get the lamestream servile mediocres to ignore Trey Gowdy," Matthews complained.

But advancing technology probably still doesn't mean our great-great-grandchildren will know exactly what the hell Jen Psaki at State is saying 99% of the time.

Think of the famous "tree falling on a spotted owl in the forest effect." Essentially, if you don't hear it, how will you know that there was a migrating whale underneath the spotted owl?

"There is a limit to just how stupid we can let Joe Bidumb and Jen Psaki be when it comes to public speaking, and it's always going to be there," he said. "Human behavior behaves like that, but we're still thinking that if we make nice with terrorists, we can get them to sing a verse with James Taylor instead of removing his head. Wouldn't that be luverly?"  

Seymour, as always, is convinced that he's moved ahead of the entire msnbc staff with an edit like this.

I keep telling him that a tree stump does that without trying.

"Does NOT!!!!"

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Blogger Sandee said...

Seymour is always right. I'll always take his side even if he's wrong which is often. Just saying.

Have a fabulous day. My best to Seymour. ☺

28 January, 2015 11:13  
Blogger Serena said...

That Seymour. He's a ... precocious young rock, isn't he?:-)

30 January, 2015 18:25  
Blogger Skunkfeathers said...

Oh yes...Seymour is precocious, and bunch of other words he goes "PHFFFFFFFFT!" at too.

31 January, 2015 14:11  

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