The Pet Rock Gets 1,000

I never quite imagined that I would hit 1,000 posts when this blog started in June 2005.  But here it is:  the 1,000th post.

Curiously, I allow my pet rock, Seymour, the honor of the post as he fences with a loan scammer who is short on scam and even shorter on reading acumen.

Say hello to one more ignoramus of a scammer, Frank Muller (aka Gofter Apelu):

Do you need a loan? if yes please contact us for more info frankmullerloancompany01@gmail.com  

 

 

Seymour -- acting as my newly minted character Frank Unsteen -- responds thus:

 

 

I am Gopher Apelooboogabooga.  yes, that my name.  You want loan?  What you want borrow?  We like scavenger hunts here, so you say you want piranha genitals, we get you piranha genitals.  And at fair interest rate.  You email your particulates to frankmullerloancompany01@gmail.com and we get you free of charge -- if you first 100 respondents -- a picture of Hillary Clinton's uncovered ass when she bend over.  It pretty scary.  Limited time offer.  Supplies limited.  Once you see it, you see why supplies limited.  Whoa boogers, dats a big 'un...  

 

 

I'm sure the Democrat National Committee was pleased to receive a copy of this email, along with 50 plus scammers.  But that's not what amused Seymour; what got his gigglefest underway was that the alleged Frank Muller responded to his edit thus:

 

 

Thanks for your mail, so i want you to fill out this loan application
form so that we can proceed.

Also we receive the western union information that you forwarded to
us, so fill out the loan form so that we can proceed ok.

Full Names:
Phone number:
Contact Address:
Gender:
Age:
State:
Country:
Amount needed as loan:
Loan duration:
Occupation:
Monthly Income:
Have You Applied Before?
Do You Speak English?

urgent mail needed from you now.
Greeting.

Mr.Frank Muller  

 

 

Neither I nor Seymour have any idea what 'western union information that you forwarded to us', but we both noted that urgency in reply was suggested by Mr. Muller; Seymour was ever so ready to oblige:

 

 

On Tuesday, December 23, 2014 12:28 AM, Mr.Frank Muller <frankmullerloancompany01@gmail.com> wrote, only to have Frank Unsteen wrote back:

Full Names:                                       Frank Unsteen IV
Phone number:                                 323-261-2725
Contact Address:                              4334 Whittier Blvd  Los Angeles CA 90023                 
Gender:                                            Male
Age:                                                  67 State:                                                DeceasedCountry:                                            USAAmount needed as loan:                   5000 piranha genitals (male/female mix fine)Loan duration:                                   Until I'm done with themOccupation:                                       Late ActorMonthly Income:                                N/AHave You Applied Before?                NawpDo You Speak English?                    In a manner of speaking  

Mr. Muller doesn't so far read ANY of his emails and is badly comprehension short:


Attention:

I am in receipt of your mail and as such i am willing to help you with
the loan amount of 5,000.00$  Note that given you this loan is not a
problem but if only you are in agreement with the terms and condition
of the loan. In God,s name i believe it will be enough for us to
proceed with this transaction.

LOAN TERMS & REPAYMENT SCHEDULE

Loan Amount: 5,000.00$
Loan Interest Rate:     3%
Loan Term: 1 year
Monthly Loan Payment: 423.47$
Number of Payments: 12
Cumulative Payments: 5,081.62$
Total Interest Paid: 81.62$

========================
Below Is Our Loan Terms And Conditions:
========================

1. The Applicant monthly payment/installment will start 3 months after
the loan has been transferred to you.

2. Applicant will keep to our loan terms and condition and that this
loan will not be use as drug traffics.

3. Applicant who is unable to meet with the repayment will be given 3
weeks more as a grace period before legal actions will be taken.

4. Failure to pay back the loan at this expected date/period, legal
actions will be taken against the applicant by our attorney
immediately .

5. Applicant must be above 18 years before obtaining a loan in the
company for proper safe guide.
=========================================================
PAYMENT OPTIONS
=========================================================
Transfer Of Your Loan: Bank to Bank Transfer : The transfer of the
loan must be a bank to bank transfer, except otherwise stated by the
borrower which means, you will have to provide the means which you
want your loan transfer to you.

Note: the borrower will be responsible for the cost of exchange of
currency from Naira to USD of is loan which is only going to cost the
sum of 75$.

BANK TO BANK WIRE TRANSFER: In this option, loan funds are transferred
directly into your account with the aid of my bank, in this option,
applicant must have to send down his or her full banking information
to enable us make the transfer and it takes maximum 12 hours for the
funds to be transferred into your Account.

Bank Name :
Bank Address :
Bank Account Numbers :
IBAN Numbers :

Through Western Union : In this option, Loan funds are transferred to
the application via Western Union Transfer. and applicant are advised
to send down their His/Her Western Union information..

Receiver's Name :
Receiver's Country :
Receiver's State
Text Question:
Text Answer :

============================== ======================
Warning from Frank Muller Loan Company The information contained in
this email transmission is confidential and for the exclusive use of
the intended recipient(s). If you are not the intended recipient, you
are hereby notified that any use, disclosure, dissemination, distribution
(other than to the recipient), copying or taking any action because of
this information is strictly prohibited.
====================================================

Waiting your response as soon as possible.

 

 

 

So instead of 5,000 piranha genitals, my character is going to get $5,000?  This simply will NOT do says the pet rock.

 

"Did NOT!!!" 

 

 

Frank, I have issues with your loan terms and disclaimer.  Can we discuss?  

 

 

the terms are clear, yes?  What is you question please?  


I did not in my loan application request 5,000 in cash.  I asked for 5,000 piranha genitals.  Your terms and conditions ignore this.  Do I get what I asked for in the loan application or not?

I do not understand.  what does all this means?  


It is clear that you do not understand.  What this means is that I, a late actor, am requesting a loan for the listed items in the quantity listed that your edited original email listed as loanable.  You could say that I am testing your bona fides and ability to deliver as your edited original email claimed you could.  Do you read and comprehend English?  


you cannot be serious  i am serious loan firm i do not find you funny.  


Lots of people used to find me incredibly funny on Car 54 Where Are You and The Munsters.  And I am serious.  Every bit as much as your loan firm isn't.  So...do I get the requested loan of the requested items in the quantity requested or not?    


Apparently, "Frank" will not be getting his loan from the other "Frank".  Which is probably just as well, since a certain cemetery in Los Angeles wouldn't have a clue what to do with 5,000 assorted piranha genitals.  And Frank Muller is obviously incapable of delivering on his edited email that he didn't read.


Game, set and match for Seymour on 1,000.

Ms Couric doesn't appear to agree.

"Does TOO!!!"