A Pet Rock High

My pet rock, Seymour, strikes again.

A tech writer for some publication apparently reported in June that thanks to the rapid increase in specialized heat lamps being used to cultivate in-door pot in Colorado -- since the voter approved passage of legal recreational pot here -- havoc is being wrought with ham radios.

Apparently those that taste like chicken are unaffected.

*ducking boos and throwd whatever*

At any rate, Seymour found the article amusing.  Amusing enough to edit, Seymour-style:

Growing Pot Usage Is Interfering with, Like, Everything In Colorado, Dude

Seymour PetRock, Geologic Columnist July 1, 2014
(Disassociated Plus)

We all know that a good ol’doobie can scramble brain waves for the users. But did you know that the amount of doobage now being growd and used in Colorado can, like, jack with EVERYTHING?

As recently reported during a junkfood fest at The Boulder Daily High, local resident Thacky Doobage recently discovered a peculiar surreality when he set out to track down what was intercoursing with his meth lab, Doink (pictured above).

Doobage, a retired enema analyst from the University of Par-Tay, at first attempted to “follow his nose” and began roaming the streets to see what made ol' Doink wig out. Eventually – after he came down from a particularly gnarly high – he discovered the offenders: the growing collection of doobage smokers and producers cranking out now-legal pot. 

It appears that this is a novel problem in Boulder, just not outside of Colorado after the Rocky Mountain High state took it a few notches higher, legalizing recreational use of doobage only five months ago.

And officials are finding that it's jacking with EVERYTHING: from pets to weather to the atomic clock at the National Bureau of Standards...like, just everything, man.

“It's like, whoa, dude” mused Ben Dover, director of The Doobage Project, a ten year study to figure out if Colorado will have any lucid, intelligent people left by 2024. Tests are now on to see if doobage-exposed hamsters can still bench press or solve a Rubix Cube.

Add up the sales of doobage of every weed-producing household in just Boulder and, well, Cheech and Chong don’t really stand much of a chance with their comeback movie. The problem has become so severe that the the UN filed a global doping change complaint with the EPA. The EPA sent a field investigator to Boulder to look into it, and haven't been able to get her lucid enough to give a report on what she's found. But we can imagine it's some really good sh....stuff.

The EPA seems to be less concerned about the wide-ranging impact of Colorado growd and smoked doobage than it is about cow flatulence. A representative told The Boulder Daily High that it’s aware of the problems but said, “like you know, the government is more concerned with the Koch Brothers than the wasting of an entire state, dude”.

In the meantime, Doobage found a very Boulder-esque way to help out Doink: he laces Doink's Gaines Burger with crystal meth. He assured me that “Doink don't know the difference it makes, though he still barks at the toilet at 2am, and the cat ain't even using it”.   


Seymour thinks this one will get him a Pulitzer.  Which proves he's as high as this edit..

"Am NOT...dude".