An Edit And A Job Offer

Meet Gina Rinehart, of Australia.

Reputedly the richest woman in Australia, if not in the world.

I never heard of her before.

And then I got this scam in the email...

Here's a piece of what it said:

Greetings my dear friend,
I have a charity proposal for you, reply back for more information.
God Bless You.
Miss Gina Hope Rinehart
Email: gina_rinehart@foxmail.com

My reply was kept as simple as her overture:


Lay it on me one time, Mama-san. 

And 'she' did.  A medium length missive about her being the wealthiest woman in Australia and possibly the world (claiming assets of 29 billion Australian dollars), and with a lot of problems in life (being obese, unhealthy, divorced, with kids suing her, etc etc etc).

And she wants ME to make one of her dreams come true, in return for a piece of $200 Million Aussie buckos.

And to help with her bona fides -- because her email frankly sucked for someone with that kind of money and not even a rudimentary spellchecker -- she listed the real Gina Rinehart's Wikipedia page, and added a claimed copy of her passport and five pictures of her in varying stages of largeness.

Nice.

A little further internet snooping led me to how her name and wiki page is being used by scammers.  Like...DUH.

In the edit -- after all, I wanted this one close to reality -- I kept to one theme in the original mail.  I won't score any points with N.O.W.; then again, none of those pigs are worth scoring with anyway:

Thanks for your prompt and urgent response. I must say my spirit has been lifted since I learned that industrial strength helium balloons attached to my ass and midsection help to heft my fat ass out of a chair. 

If you think that's all the TMI you're going to get on me, think again, Poodle Lips.

I am Miss Georgina Hoax 'n Change Rinehart of Hancork Masturbating Wankers Limited (HMWL), an ugly, catastrophically overweight and rather unpopular citizen of Australia. I am worth an estimated 29.17 billion Australian kangaroo loogies which ranks me as the most disgusting person in Australia because I bother to go around and collect those ruddy things.

Life has given me my own share of misfortunes.  I have been liposuctioned twice, had OSHA back up alarms attached to me in my sleep 9 times, repeatedly pushed off a beach and into the water by Greenpeace, I have four kids -- young goats -- who make me the butt of their jokes, and I have genital hairballs. But the greatest of my woes is that I am suffering from a weight problem that has affected every male I've ever had sex with.  They're all flatter than Rachal Madcow's pre-inflation sex toy, Barry Obozo.

I do want to leave my enormous wide ass behind, but it's attached, so I'm stuck with it.  As for my collection of kangaroo loogies, well...I've willed it far and wide, and so far no one wants it.

I want to establish a foundation with your help to reach out to aliens on the planet Uranus, who perhaps have no idea about the intrinsic worthlessness of kangaroo loogies.

Due to my state of health -- my ass is a state in itself -- I need someone to take over my kangaroo loogie collection, while it's still damp.

I may not look like a thousand bucks -- well, perhaps a lot like their back ends -- but I know enough to know that if my kangaroo loogie collection is taken over by someone willing to appreciate the unique peculiarities of it, perhaps my next liposuction effort will get me down to a point where Greenpeace will leave my fat ass on the beach.  Assholes.

Attached to this mail are copies of a few of my photographs.  If you survive the dry heaves these usually trigger, I shall provide you with an agreement document prepared by my Legal Counsel for you to sign your own part of the agreement in my next letter as soon as I get your required data.

I would expect same gesture from you so that we can proceed further. Your details would also be required by my Legal Counsel to prepare cover documents for this project.

Please reply with the under listed details:

YOUR FULL NAME 'CUZ AN EMPTY ONE MAKES ME SO MAD....................................
LAST TIME YOU SURVIVED SEX WITH SOMEONE TEN TIMES YOUR SIZE (AND I AM).....................................
AGE AT WHICH YOU REALIZED THAT SOCKPUPPETS HAD A HAND IN THEM.................................. 
MOBILE NUMBER..........
OCCUPATION...................
ADDRESS........................
COUNTRY..........................

Get back to me in the nearest possible time.
Really really BIG Regards.   

 

And I changed a few of the attached photos:

 

Like, for instance, her 29th birthday party photo...

Or her senior prom picture...

Or her at the Sydney Rodeo in 2013...

 

At any rate, I was a little disappointed that my edit and photo spread didn't get the kind of response I was expecting from the originating scammer(s).

 

Instead, I got this:

 

u want work with us?  

 

It is with inconsiderable regret that I must decline your kind offer.  What kind I hate to say.  Yes, it's true that I'll probably never receive another offer like this.  Good thing, 'cuz you laddies suck at this.  

 

I may not get another offer like that in my life time.

 

If I'm lucky...