Wong Again

The late Peter Sellers as Inspector Sidney Wang from Murder By Death.  Yes, I did say 'Wang', but it's close enough for what follows.

I love it when scammers mix names and regions for their peculiar purposes.  Since they can...so can I.

Witness the following missive from one who identifies herself as Susan J. Wong...a beleaguered resident in either Ghana or Ivory Coast.

The choice of name tickles me.

Anyway, here's a segment of her gambit:

Quite frankly, I know it may have sounded pretty strange for you on why I contact you as you are a complete stranger to me and I must tell you this, I contacted you for the simple reason that we do not know each other.

It would be very difficult for me to contact anybody here who knows me for this purpose as I may stand the risk and chance of being cheated because the person would have known my weaknesses as I may even lose my life that is why I decided to contact a complete stranger.

My name is Miss Suasn J Wong.The only child of my parents. During the post electoral civil and political crisis in our country, my parents were killed by heartless military that supported the incumbent president.lurant gbagbo that lose election and refuses to step down. Right now I am still here in Ghana but very “unsafe” for me. I'm living in a great fear and bondage. I intend leaving this country as soon as possible but only one thing has kept me back. My late father has deposited with one of the prime financial institution, the sum of money, $7.6Million USD. (SEVEN MILLION SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS).

The primary reason of contacting you is that my late father had a written agreement with the financial institution that before I will come for the claim, I must be above 29years of age or I must present a business partner or business guarantor to make sure the money will be invested in a very lucrative and safe way. As I am writing to you, I am just 19years of age and life here is so difficult to cope with. There is no possibility for me to wait until I clock 29years before I go forth for the claim, if I should wait for that it means the money will be lost as my life is not guaranteed here in Ivory Coast anymore.   

You pretty much get the drift here.  Suasn J. Wong of Ghana or Ivory Coast (to quote the witch and former sec of state, "what difference does it make?") wants me to buy into her schtick. 

So in keeping with my practice the past few weeks, I turned it over to my editing pet rock, Seymour, who shows he has a sense of humor.  No compassion, but eh...he's a rock:


 Quite frankly, I know it may have sounded pretty strange for you on why I contact you as you are a complete stranger to me and I must tell you this, I contacted you for the simple reason that we do not know each other.

It would be very difficult for me to contact anybody here who knows me because those who know me usually won't come anywhere near me without first donning a full HAZMAT suit and having had their tetanus shots updated.  That is why I decided to contact a complete stranger.

My name is Miss Suasn J Wong, and I guarantee you that you'll never meet anyone more wong for you than me.

During the post electoral civil and political crisis in this country -- if you guess Africa you'd probably be right, even if my name is Wong, in which case refer to my previous one-sentence paragraph -- my parents were killed by a roving band of 'roid raging komodo dragons some idiot brought back from a vacation in Belize.  Yes, I know that komodo dragons aren't native to Belize, but these were apparently imported from Indonesia for the express purpose of serving some idiot purpose before they managed to upgrade to first class seating on Ghana Airlines, home of the plane crash as SOP in scam letters.  You'll pardon me for digressing here.

Right now I am still here in the country of Ghana, or maybe the Ivory Coast...when you've seen one Third World dump, you've seen them all...and while it will sound pretty lame, you could say that I'm in the wong place at the wong time for a wong to find herself in...*rimshot*...I always wanted to do one of those.  Anyway, I am making due in living in a great landfill also known as the Ghana Motel 6. I intend leaving this country as soon as I finish getting my genital rebushing completed -- though it's going pretty slow, since they're using parts of a virgin spider monkey vagina to accomplish this with -- and that's the only thing has kept me back.

My late father who never held a job in his miserable life allegedly has deposited with one of the prime financial institution, the sum of money, $7.6Million USD. (SEVEN MILLION SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS).  You can bet it's been obtained in some shady enterprise, like he put in for stimulus money from Obozo's famed 'stash'.  All my friends in Deadtroit did.

The primary reason of contacting you is that I need someone to believe this crap I'm writing, and I am hope that since you don't know me -- and I don't carry an American Express card -- you won't figure out how wong you are to listen to me until it's too late.  I really hope you are a low information person there.

As I am writing to you, I am just 19 years of age and life here is so difficult to cope with, which you could gather from my having to have my genital rebushed with parts from a spider monkey. There is no possibility for me to stay in Ghana -- all the soldiers here know me as Loosey Lowhang -- and I can't start over in the Ivory Coast, since many of THEIR soldiers take leave here in Ghana.

From the light of the above, my instinct tells me that I should trust you if I can sell you this crap.  We don't have many lights around here, apart from the fires we cook missionaries over. 

Waiting for a positive response.  Oh hell...I'm waiting for ANY response.

yours sincerely
Miss Suasn J Wong  

 

Seymour was gratified -- and I was surprised -- to actually get a response from whoever received and read this.  If left them with questions, as if anything on this blog wouldn't have:

 

 

who are you?  what is what you send me?  why you send this to other peoples?  are you going help me?  

 

 

Awesomeness.  As the Guardian in Star Trek once proclaimed..."A question...for as long as your sun has burned in space, and longer than your civilization has existed, I have awaited a question".

 

Well okay, so I haven't waited as long for a question as the Guardian.  Certainly Seymour hasn't.  So we put our respective heads together -- which hurt him more than me -- and we responded thus:

 

 

I am Ignitius of Flatus.  What I send you is what you send me with edits of what you send me.  I send this to other peoples because maybe they make you better offer on their honor, and I bet you don't see what was just done there.  And last as well as least, not in your definition of it.  With clarity thus illuminated, I await your next.   That means it's your turn to those of low information.  

 

Alas, we find that we were wong to expect further repartee with Wong of Ghana..Ivory Coast...or Deadtroit.  Seymour hates when that happens.

 

"Do NOT!!!"