The Pet Rock Horns In On An Edit

Yes, Seymour was really in Califorlornia.  On a very nice boat.  In a life preserver.

Seymour has great hosts.

Even when Seymour is a naughty little pet rock.

A recent scammer caught Seymour's attention -- even while Seymour is currently visiting another great host in Arkansas -- and Seymour emailed me that he wanted to be the focal point of the edit of the scammer's email.

Gabriel Cones, lucky you.

Here's the gist of ol' Gabe's scam:  he wants me to handle his client purchases for him while he's traveling outside the US.  I receive his client payments, keep a piece of the action, and send the rest to him.

And every client payment is 100% guaranteed.  To be counterfeit.

And that's why my pet rock wants to be written into ol' Gabe's scam.

So -- incorporating my attention-starved pet rock ("am NOT!!!") -- am some contemporary politics that's fitting for a scammer,  here's what Gabe and a number of his peers received in response:


Hello,

My name is Gabriel Cones.  I work for, among other things, a chastity Organization based in California. I am contacting you about a recent visit your pet rock had here, and how he contemptuously treated our chastity laws and took them for granite as regards a reported clandestine affair resulting in the propagation of other geological life.

 

You know who I mean; I mean your pet rock, Seymour.  His illicit (and geologically impossible from the standpoint of gymnastical statistics) relations with JuliaSandstone, which resulted in the shipping outside of CA several resulting offspring which, I am sure, violates some ridiculous and obscure environmentalist laws here in CA, the home of the ridiculous and frivolous when it comes to ANYTHING from the Left.

 

Envirowhackjobs are particularly egregious in this, but I digress.

 

If you, right this minute, assure me that (a) you will sterilize Seymour (b) stop him from sending text photos of his 'geologic junk' to Julia under the name of Carlos Dangersands (c) retrieve and return ALL of his offspring from this illicit affair (d) enroll Seymour in Nobamadoesn'tcare (e) send him to Geology Gender Sensitivity Training (f) register him as a low information, dumbed down democrat for the 2014 elections (g) have him contribute to Bela Pelosi's re-election campaign in '14, as she's running against a San Freakcisco harbor seal that's better looking than she is (h) can go an entire email without once mentioning Miley Cyrus (I) and can come up with enough botox and bondo to make Hillary Clinton look more like Elizabeth Hasselbeck and less like someone a house was dropped on, we can avoid a nasty legal entanglement.

 

If not, I am prepared to sic that Helen Thomas-looking legal dawg Gloria Allred on your ass.  Oh yes....that vile thing. Your errands and responsibilities here are simple:

 

Responsibilities
1.  Commit to completing (a) through (I) without fail
2.  Water Harry Reid before he farts and explodes into a billion psoriasis flakes
3.  Figure out how to make Candy Crowley look like Meghyn Kelly on Fox, without CGI.

4.  Provide a cure for the growth of the current potus' nose as regards the hellthscare scam.

 

 

In closing, I have a couple of questions for you.

First, are you taking this email seriously?

Second, how would you like for Honey Boo Boo to sit on your pet rock and fart?

 

Think about those two questions whilst you fill out your information to gcones133@gmail.com

Full Name:
Home Address: PO BOX IF AVAILABLE
City:
State:
Zip Code:
Home No:
Cell NO:
Age:

Hope all is clear?

Waiting to hear from you  & hoping I don't need to take Gloria Allred away from her artificially inseminating Los Angeles River fecal snails.  She'll be very angry with you if I have to take her off that duty....artificially inseminating Los Angeles River fecal snails is her first love, with sticking her head up her ass a close second.

 

 I look forward to you taking this email most serious, yes?

Regards
Gabriel

Seymour sent me a pet rock version of 'two thumbs up' -- sounds painful to even attempt -- but the response from ol' Gabe was less enthusiastic:


go to hell  


I avoid that by not signing up for nobamadoesn'tcare, or believing an iota of your sh**.  Not working so well for you I see.


Ol' Gabe had nothing more in the way of destination suggestions, or anything else, to offer.