Generalities
Nyuk.
I recently got an email from a lieutenant general. Oh yeah. One a dem. He was trying to hep me get a consignment of boxes full of valuables out of Nigeria.
A consignment he insisted belonged to me.
Well, I edited his email, shared it with him and a collection of his compadres, and not a peep was heard.
Usually, that's that.
But I kept his addy in my email address book, just so's I could occasionally 'tweak' him.
Well, he apparently uses the chat feature in his email. And on one recent and fateful morning, I logged in and saw his chat icon active.
*TOING*
As the following transcript shows, some lieutenant generals can get into major trouble when they air their privates online...*ducking boos and throwd good conduct ribbons*. I was amazed I kept him at it for nearly 90 minutes ;-)
-
While checking email, I find the general's chat icon lit, so I
decide to have some fun (his chats are highlighted in bold)....
-
Me: Yo, General! Attennnnnnnnn
HUH! Oh, that's right...you're supposed to say that sh*t.4:10
AM
-
Me: So, what does a general like
you do in a Third World sh*t hole? 4:10 AM
-
Me: Nothing major
while playing with your privates?4:10
AM
-
Me: That sounds like the general
picture.4:11 AM
-
Me: For being in a chat program,
you sure don't have much to say....cat got your crotch or
something?4:11 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: f**k
off pesant4:12 AM
(I thought he'd logged off but I kept baiting him anyway, and sure enough, he was back with more of his drivel)
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: if
you actually know the density of what you are doing now my
friend...i will advise you stop4:13 AM
- Me: The density of what I
am doing...'splain it to me, General Disarray. 4:14 AM
- Me: I cannot wait to hear
how you explain how this density I am doing is detrimental to me.
Go ahead...I have time. Elaborate.4:14 AM
- Me: *Jeopardy Theme
playing in background*4:15 AM
- Me: Still waiting,
General Dysentery. Tell me how my so-called density is bad for me
as regards you. 4:16 AM
- Me: You going to mobilize
your one squad of gazelle sodomizers and board a rowboat to invade
my country?4:16 AM
- Me: If so, let me
know...I'll give you directions to find me.4:17 AM
- Me: And I'll even warn
you not to take that left toin at Albuquerque.4:17 AM
- Me: Ah HAAAAA...da
general RETREATS!!!! He encountered a SUPERIOR FORCE!!!!4:18
AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: My
friend,i wont blame you ok?4:18 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: this
bad men has made our country look so bad 4:19 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: that
you even cannot tell who is who here4:19 AM
- Me: Oh, I think I can
tell who is who there.4:19 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: ok
tell4:19 AM
- Me: You think you're one
of the really baaaaaaaaaaad men there. And you're really not that bad, just terribly inept. Your email was poorly conceived, poorly
writ, and was a piece of cake to edit and embarrass you online
with.4:20 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: i
am sorry about that ok? it was due to the anger i write you with
4:21 AM
- Me: But eh...I guess
generals in Third World dumps are not concentrating on their
scamming skills.4:21 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: well
my men brough the case before me 4:21 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: so
i have to give special attention to it as it involves losts of
valueables 4:21 AM
- Me: Your handlers in the
internet café? Why don't you hire better men?4:21 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: Lol
its ok my friend4:22 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: send
me an email while i send you my personal photo ok?4:22 AM
- Me: Actually, all those
lost valuables aren't so lost. 4:22 AM
- Me: You already have my
email, General. That is, if you saved it. I still have yours.4:23
AM
- Me: But if you wish a
dialogue, I'm game. I was born game.4:23 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: well
am not in for games as i am too busy for such4:23 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: my
friend why dont you concerntrate and be careful with your words4:24
AM
- Me: You can't be that
busy, if you're chatting with me here.4:24 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith:
i am giving you my time now4:24 AM
- Me: What words do I need
to be careful with, General. Tell me.4:24 AM
- Me: I am always up for
education...school me on what words to be careful with.4:25
AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: Lol
my friend you are so funny 4:25 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: and
i like your person4:25 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: its
all ok alright 4:25 AM
- Me: Well then...let's not
banter about my words. Let's get to, what my old Aunt Maude used to
call "the biscuits"...what's your business deal?4:26
AM
- Me: What's your deal,
what's my role, and what's in it for me.4:26 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: there
are no deal here ok?4:27 AM
- Me: General, there's
always a 'deal'. 4:27 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith:
its all about your boxes and if you are ready to receive it,then we
proceed ok?4:27 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: Your
Boxes4:27 AM
- Me: Now there you go...my
boxes. I am unaware I have any boxes beyond where I currently am.
Where are these boxes, and what are the contents thereof?4:28
AM
- Me: Most importantly,
what makes them desirable for me to claim them?4:28 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: that
is why you have to calm down and let me expalin to you with the
litttle time i have here with you ok?4:29 AM
- Me: I am perfectly
calm...perfectly. Go ahead...explain. I shall not interrupt.4:29
AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: The
Airport Authority detected Two trunk boxes after been scanned
4:30 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: the
authorities detected that the boxes contains Money and Gold in your name
and email that has been tempered on4:31 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: they
were been smuggled into the
country by foreign Personnel who were on transit from London4:31 AM
- Me: I have to ask...WHAT
airport authority are we speaking of?4:31 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: the
airport authority here in Nigeria....4:32 AM
- Me: Ah, okay. Hmmm. How
did I get boxes of money in Nigeria? I have no known relatives
there.4:32 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: hese
men
were trying to enter the country with the trunk boxes, when the airport
authority detected that these boxes contains some huge amount of United
State Dollars4:33 AM
- Me: Then again...how much
money are we talking?4:33 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: one
of the package Contain $18,5 Million US Dollar, and the other Box
Contain Gold worth of 11kg,4:34 AM
- Me: And you say these
boxes are in MY NAME? Jack N. Ewehoff? They are listed to me?4:35
AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: Do
you not also bear Mike Bay??4:36 AM
- Me: Who, the Hollywood
director?? 4:36 AM
- Me: How is HE connected
to this??4:36 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: i
only asked if you know that name4:37 AM
- Me: Yes, I know that
name...he is a Hollywood movie director. He did movies like The
Rock, Pearl Harbor, Transformers...he is well known.4:37 AM
- Me: Now this starts to
make some sense...HE would have that kind of money.4:38 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: how
manu of his movie have you watched lately4:38 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: ?4:38
AM
- Me: I have only seen two
of his movies. 4:39 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: ok...4:39
AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: well
friend,if you really are serious to receive your boxes let me know
as i will be off soon4:39 AM
- Me: Wait a sec...if the
boxes are in HIS name and not mine, then how come you want to send
them to me?4:40 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: did
you understand all what i have explained to you so far...4:40
AM
- Me: You told me that you
-- or the airport authority there -- has two boxes of money and
gold in the name of Mike Bay, the Hollywood director, and you want
to know if I want to claim them, if I am understanding you.4:41
AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: Oh
no my friend,in your i asked if you knew Mike Bay as i wanted to
explain further to you with one of his movies4:42 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: but
i guess you dont watch movies 4:43 AM
- Me: I watch some. I've
seen two of his movies, The Rock and Pearl Harbor. Why, is that
important?4:43 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: ok
friend.....have you seen the seriousness in him while he plays his
roles?4:44 AM
- Me: He's a director. he's
not playing roles. What is your point?4:44 AM
- Me: How does all this tie
together? General, you really need to get to the rat killing here.
What is it you propose?4:45 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: ok
good i have seen that your mind is calmed now4:46 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: i
shall explain further4:46 AM
- Me: Well, let's get to
it.4:46 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: as
I write you this mail now, the three(3) men that were caught are
now
in the custody of the Nigeria Police Service over here in our country
Nigeria4:48 AM
- Me: Okay..I won't ask how
they got ahold of boxes of a Hollywood director's money. But I want
to know is, what do you have in mind as regards this money?4:48
AM
- Me: Are you pondering a
deal, as in splitting it up between us?4:49 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: as
i told you,these boxes are yours and not the Hollywood director's
money get that4:49 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith:
i only was trying to explain something with that to you4:50
AM
- Me: Well, if the boxes
are in the name of Mike Bay, they are not mine. I bear the name of
Jack N. Ewehoff, the name my parents gave me 40 years ago.4:50
AM
- Me: So I ask you
again...what do you have in mind for these boxes?4:51 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: i
shall be off for now...as you dont get me yet4:51 AM
-
Me: Apparently someone isn't
getting something. When you decide you want to tell me what it is
you want, you email or contact me here.4:52 AM
-
Me: If you want my help in
disposing of these boxes, you need to say so. Messing with the
property of a Hollywood director may not bother you, what with you
in Nigeria...but I'm here in the US, and he can crucify me by
writing me into one of his lousy movies if I'm caught in this. Do
you understand?4:54 AM
- Me: Unless you have a way
of re-identifying these boxes under my name and out of his, I don't
see how I can help you.4:55 AM
-
Me: Why are you not contacting
him?4:55 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: Listen
and Listen Good,these boxes are in your name and in favour of
you4:57 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: and i will not contacct you if they are not yours4:57 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: and
Note,i do not involve in swindling of any bodies property 4:58
AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith:
Get that?4:58 AM
- Me: If you're telling me
that they are in my name, Jack N. Ewehoff, then we have something
to talk about.4:58 AM
- Me: You may
not swindle anybody, but you might somebody. As for these boxes,
if they are in the director's name, I
can't help you.4:58 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: they
are in your name my friend,Ok4:59 AM
- Me: Okay, they're in my
name. And tell me exactly how the name appears on the boxes or
papers with them?4:59 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: well
i will have to send you an email then as it would explain better to
you5:00 AM
- Me: I must have
authentication before we proceed, General.5:00 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: Ok?5:00
AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: yes
true my friend5:00 AM
- Me: Okay. Send it to (an
alternate email addy)@yahoo.com5:01 AM
- Me: that will get to me,
and if what you send me makes sense, we'll proceed.5:01 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith:
i wont send you what will make sence or not,how it is ,is what i
will send ok?5:02 AM
- Me: Did you
just read what you just sent?5:02 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: Ok
,are you on your email now?5:02 AM
- Me: No, that is my
private address.5:04 AM
- Me: Only my family and
friends have it.5:04 AM
- Me: Send me what you have
there.5:04 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: Ooh
ok then 5:04 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: provided
you get it5:04 AM
- Me: if you send it as I
gave you the address, I'll get it.5:05 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: ok5:05
AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: (repeats
the email addy to me)???5:05 AM
- Me: I am going off chat
now to retrieve the email.5:06 AM
- (after I check out his drivel)
- Me: I have read and
replied. I await authentication from you. That's where we stand.
How you confused me with a Hollywood director I'll never know, and
you haven't has yet explained.5:19 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith:
Ok then,read and reply,i shall give
you more time as i am busy like i told you 5:19 AM
-
Me: I have read and replied. I
await authentication from you. That's where we stand. How you
confused me with a Hollywood director I'll never know, and you
haven't has yet explained.5:19 AM
- Me: Of course, I am sure that you, a General in Nigeria, are not aware that the originators of South Park make fun of this director. In the movie Team America -- World Police, they even have a song making fun of his movie Pearl Harbor, and name him by name. Have you seen that?5:24 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith:
not really friend5:24 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: have
you gotten the picture yet?5:24 AM
- Me: If you sent it to my email address, I'll have to go back and get it. Be back in a minute.5:25 AM
-
Me: Well "General"...since
you cannot or will not authenticate that the two boxes are mine,
and you insist that they're in the name of the Hollywood director,
then I suggest you take up your stuff with him. And you'd better be
more competent in your dealings with him, otherwise he might make
you a parody in his next movie.5:49 AM
-
Me: And exactly 'what' is it
that a 'general' commands in Nigeria? Flies or compost piles?5:54
AM
- Me: Oh, of course...you
command goats. Do you 'do' them as well when you can't get a
date?6:01 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: I
already warn you against this words.6:01
AM
- Me: Well, better luck
with the Hollywood director...you're not very good at this stuff,
y'know? I might just send your name and email address to the South
Park dudes so they can laugh at you too. As for the
warning...LOL...whaddaya gonna do...send your one goat goon squad
to hunt me down?6:01 AM
- lieutenant_general_jhsmith: enough
of you already, ok? Bye.6:02
AM
- Me: A
general retreat again, eh? Hokay, “general”...go do your
goats...buh-bye!6:02 AM
My pet rock, Seymour, thinks I'm too disrespectful of higher rank. He's right.
Labels: a bad Hollywood director and his equally bad movies, Lt. General Joseph Smith Nigeria, Nigerian email scam, scambait chatting, scambaiting for fun and annoyance of the scammers
posted by Skunkfeathers at 02:00
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2 Comments:
"Enough of you", ha
Debbie
Right Truth
http://www.righttruth.typepad.com
You were 'friend' for a very long time on this one. Bwahahahahahahaha.
Have a terrific day. My best to Seymour. :)
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