Friday, September 6, 2013

Generalities

No, this isn't about the Pirrsbury Doughboy, but the photo gives you a general idea.

Nyuk.

I recently got an email from a lieutenant general.  Oh yeah.  One a dem.  He was trying to hep me get a consignment of boxes full of valuables out of Nigeria.

A consignment he insisted belonged to me.

Well, I edited his email, shared it with him and a collection of his compadres, and not a peep was heard.

Usually, that's that.

But I kept his addy in my email address book, just so's I could occasionally 'tweak' him.

Well, he apparently uses the chat feature in his email.  And on one recent and fateful morning, I logged in and saw his chat icon active.

*TOING*

As the following transcript shows, some lieutenant generals can get into major trouble when they air their privates online...*ducking boos and throwd good conduct ribbons*.  I was amazed I kept him at it for nearly 90 minutes  ;-)


    While checking email, I find the general's chat icon lit, so I decide to have some fun (his chats are highlighted in bold)....

    • Me:‎ Yo, General! Attennnnnnnnn HUH! Oh, that's right...you're supposed to say that sh*t.4:10 AM
    • Me:‎ So, what does a general like you do in a Third World sh*t hole? 4:10 AM
    • Me:‎ Nothing major while playing with your privates?4:10 AM
    • Me:‎ That sounds like the general picture.4:11 AM
    • Me:‎ For being in a chat program, you sure don't have much to say....cat got your crotch or something?4:11 AM
    •  
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ f**k off pesant4:12 AM

      (I thought he'd logged off but I kept baiting him anyway, and sure enough, he was back with more of his drivel)

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ if you actually know the density of what you are doing now my friend...i will advise you stop4:13 AM

    • Me:‎ The density of what I am doing...'splain it to me, General Disarray. 4:14 AM
    • Me:‎ I cannot wait to hear how you explain how this density I am doing is detrimental to me. Go ahead...I have time. Elaborate.4:14 AM
    • Me:‎ *Jeopardy Theme playing in background*4:15 AM
    • Me:‎ Still waiting, General Dysentery. Tell me how my so-called density is bad for me as regards you. 4:16 AM
    • Me:‎ You going to mobilize your one squad of gazelle sodomizers and board a rowboat to invade my country?4:16 AM
    • Me:‎ If so, let me know...I'll give you directions to find me.4:17 AM
    • Me:‎ And I'll even warn you not to take that left toin at Albuquerque.4:17 AM
    • Me:‎ Ah HAAAAA...da general RETREATS!!!! He encountered a SUPERIOR FORCE!!!!4:18 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ My friend,i wont blame you ok?4:18 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ this bad men has made our country look so bad 4:19 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ that you even cannot tell who is who here4:19 AM

    • Me:‎ Oh, I think I can tell who is who there.4:19 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ ok tell4:19 AM

    • Me:‎ You think you're one of the really baaaaaaaaaaad men there. And you're really not that bad, just terribly inept. Your email was poorly conceived, poorly writ, and was a piece of cake to edit and embarrass you online with.4:20 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ i am sorry about that ok? it was due to the anger i write you with 4:21 AM

    • Me:‎ But eh...I guess generals in Third World dumps are not concentrating on their scamming skills.4:21 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ well my men brough the case before me 4:21 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ so i have to give special attention to it as it involves losts of valueables 4:21 AM

    • Me:‎ Your handlers in the internet café? Why don't you hire better men?4:21 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ Lol its ok my friend4:22 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ send me an email while i send you my personal photo ok?4:22 AM

    • Me:‎ Actually, all those lost valuables aren't so lost. 4:22 AM
    • Me:‎ You already have my email, General. That is, if you saved it. I still have yours.4:23 AM
    • Me:‎ But if you wish a dialogue, I'm game. I was born game.4:23 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ well am not in for games as i am too busy for such4:23 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ my friend why dont you concerntrate and be careful with your words4:24 AM

    • Me:‎ You can't be that busy, if you're chatting with me here.4:24 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ i am giving you my time now4:24 AM

    • Me:‎ What words do I need to be careful with, General. Tell me.4:24 AM
    • Me:‎ I am always up for education...school me on what words to be careful with.4:25 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ Lol my friend you are so funny 4:25 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ and i like your person4:25 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ its all ok alright 4:25 AM

    • Me:‎ Well then...let's not banter about my words. Let's get to, what my old Aunt Maude used to call "the biscuits"...what's your business deal?4:26 AM
    • Me:‎ What's your deal, what's my role, and what's in it for me.4:26 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ there are no deal here ok?4:27 AM

    • Me:‎ General, there's always a 'deal'. 4:27 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ its all about your boxes and if you are ready to receive it,then we proceed ok?4:27 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ Your Boxes4:27 AM

    • Me:‎ Now there you go...my boxes. I am unaware I have any boxes beyond where I currently am. Where are these boxes, and what are the contents thereof?4:28 AM
    • Me:‎ Most importantly, what makes them desirable for me to claim them?4:28 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ that is why you have to calm down and let me expalin to you with the litttle time i have here with you ok?4:29 AM

    • Me:‎ I am perfectly calm...perfectly. Go ahead...explain. I shall not interrupt.4:29 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ The Airport Authority detected Two trunk boxes after been scanned 4:30 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ the
      authorities detected that the boxes contains Money and Gold in your name
      and email that has been tempered on
      4:31 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ they were been smuggled into the
      country by foreign Personnel who were on transit from London
      4:31 AM


    • Me:‎ I have to ask...WHAT airport authority are we speaking of?4:31 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ the airport authority here in Nigeria....4:32 AM

    • Me:‎ Ah, okay. Hmmm. How did I get boxes of money in Nigeria? I have no known relatives there.4:32 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ hese men
      were trying to enter the country with the trunk boxes, when the airport
      authority detected that these boxes contains some huge amount of United
      State Dollars
      4:33 AM


    • Me:‎ Then again...how much money are we talking?4:33 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ one of the package Contain $18,5 Million US Dollar, and the other Box Contain Gold worth of 11kg,4:34 AM

    • Me:‎ And you say these boxes are in MY NAME? Jack N. Ewehoff? They are listed to me?4:35 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ Do you not also bear Mike Bay??4:36 AM

    • Me:‎ Who, the Hollywood director?? 4:36 AM
    • Me:‎ How is HE connected to this??4:36 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ i only asked if you know that name4:37 AM

    • Me:‎ Yes, I know that name...he is a Hollywood movie director. He did movies like The Rock, Pearl Harbor, Transformers...he is well known.4:37 AM
    • Me:‎ Now this starts to make some sense...HE would have that kind of money.4:38 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ how manu of his movie have you watched lately4:38 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ ?4:38 AM

    • Me:‎ I have only seen two of his movies. 4:39 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ ok...4:39 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ well friend,if you really are serious to receive your boxes let me know as i will be off soon4:39 AM

    • Me:‎ Wait a sec...if the boxes are in HIS name and not mine, then how come you want to send them to me?4:40 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ did you understand all what i have explained to you so far...4:40 AM

    • Me:‎ You told me that you -- or the airport authority there -- has two boxes of money and gold in the name of Mike Bay, the Hollywood director, and you want to know if I want to claim them, if I am understanding you.4:41 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ Oh no my friend,in your i asked if you knew Mike Bay as i wanted to explain further to you with one of his movies4:42 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ but i guess you dont watch movies 4:43 AM

    • Me:‎ I watch some. I've seen two of his movies, The Rock and Pearl Harbor. Why, is that important?4:43 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ ok friend.....have you seen the seriousness in him while he plays his roles?4:44 AM

    • Me:‎ He's a director. he's not playing roles. What is your point?4:44 AM
    • Me:‎ How does all this tie together? General, you really need to get to the rat killing here. What is it you propose?4:45 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ ok good i have seen that your mind is calmed now4:46 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ i shall explain further4:46 AM

    • Me:‎ Well, let's get to it.4:46 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ as I write you this mail now, the three(3) men that were caught are now
      in the custody of the Nigeria Police Service over here in our country

      Nigeria4:48 AM


    • Me:‎ Okay..I won't ask how they got ahold of boxes of a Hollywood director's money. But I want to know is, what do you have in mind as regards this money?4:48 AM
    • Me:‎ Are you pondering a deal, as in splitting it up between us?4:49 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ as i told you,these boxes are yours and not the Hollywood director's money get that4:49 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ i only was trying to explain something with that to you4:50 AM

    • Me:‎ Well, if the boxes are in the name of Mike Bay, they are not mine. I bear the name of Jack N. Ewehoff, the name my parents gave me 40 years ago.4:50 AM
    • Me:‎ So I ask you again...what do you have in mind for these boxes?4:51 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ i shall be off for now...as you dont get me yet4:51 AM

    • Me:‎ Apparently someone isn't getting something. When you decide you want to tell me what it is you want, you email or contact me here.4:52 AM
    • Me:‎ If you want my help in disposing of these boxes, you need to say so. Messing with the property of a Hollywood director may not bother you, what with you in Nigeria...but I'm here in the US, and he can crucify me by writing me into one of his lousy movies if I'm caught in this. Do you understand?4:54 AM
    • Me:‎ Unless you have a way of re-identifying these boxes under my name and out of his, I don't see how I can help you.4:55 AM
    • Me:‎ Why are you not contacting him?4:55 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ Listen and Listen Good,these boxes are in your name and in favour of you4:57 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ and i will not contacct you if they are not yours4:57 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ and Note,i do not involve in swindling of any bodies property 4:58 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ Get that?4:58 AM

    • Me:‎ If you're telling me that they are in my name, Jack N. Ewehoff, then we have something to talk about.4:58 AM
    • Me:‎ You may not swindle anybody, but you might somebody. As for these boxes, if they are in the director's name, I can't help you.4:58 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ they are in your name my friend,Ok4:59 AM

    • Me:‎ Okay, they're in my name. And tell me exactly how the name appears on the boxes or papers with them?4:59 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ well i will have to send you an email then as it would explain better to you5:00 AM

    • Me:‎ I must have authentication before we proceed, General.5:00 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ Ok?5:00 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ yes true my friend5:00 AM

    • Me:‎ Okay. Send it to (an alternate email addy)@yahoo.com5:01 AM
    • Me:‎ that will get to me, and if what you send me makes sense, we'll proceed.5:01 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ i wont send you what will make sence or not,how it is ,is what i will send ok?5:02 AM

    • Me:‎ Did you just read what you just sent?5:02 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ Ok ,are you on your email now?5:02 AM

    • Me:‎ No, that is my private address.5:04 AM
    • Me:‎ Only my family and friends have it.5:04 AM
    • Me:‎ Send me what you have there.5:04 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ Ooh ok then 5:04 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ provided you get it5:04 AM

    • Me:‎ if you send it as I gave you the address, I'll get it.5:05 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ ok5:05 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ (repeats the email addy to me)???5:05 AM

    • Me:‎ I am going off chat now to retrieve the email.5:06 AM
    • (after I check out his drivel)
    • Me:‎ I have read and replied. I await authentication from you. That's where we stand. How you confused me with a Hollywood director I'll never know, and you haven't has yet explained.5:19 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ Ok then,read and reply,i shall give you more time as i am busy like i told you 5:19 AM

    • Me:‎ I have read and replied. I await authentication from you. That's where we stand. How you confused me with a Hollywood director I'll never know, and you haven't has yet explained.5:19 AM
    • Me:‎ Of course, I am sure that you, a General in Nigeria, are not aware that the originators of South Park make fun of this director. In the movie Team America -- World Police, they even have a song making fun of his movie Pearl Harbor, and name him by name. Have you seen that?5:24 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ not really friend5:24 AM
    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ have you gotten the picture yet?5:24 AM

    • Me:‎ If you sent it to my email address, I'll have to go back and get it. Be back in a minute.5:25 AM
    • Me:‎ Well "General"...since you cannot or will not authenticate that the two boxes are mine, and you insist that they're in the name of the Hollywood director, then I suggest you take up your stuff with him. And you'd better be more competent in your dealings with him, otherwise he might make you a parody in his next movie.5:49 AM
    • Me:‎ And exactly 'what' is it that a 'general' commands in Nigeria? Flies or compost piles?5:54 AM
    • Me:‎ Oh, of course...you command goats. Do you 'do' them as well when you can't get a date?6:01 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith:‎ I already warn you against this words.6:01 AM

    • Me:‎ Well, better luck with the Hollywood director...you're not very good at this stuff, y'know? I might just send your name and email address to the South Park dudes so they can laugh at you too. As for the warning...LOL...whaddaya gonna do...send your one goat goon squad to hunt me down?6:01 AM

    • lieutenant_general_jhsmith: enough of you already, ok? Bye.6:02 AM

    • Me: A general retreat again, eh? Hokay, “general”...go do your goats...buh-bye!6:02 AM


My pet rock, Seymour, thinks I'm too disrespectful of higher rank.  He's right.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Right Truth said...

"Enough of you", ha

Debbie
Right Truth
http://www.righttruth.typepad.com

06 September, 2013 07:52  
Blogger Sandee said...

You were 'friend' for a very long time on this one. Bwahahahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day. My best to Seymour. :)

06 September, 2013 09:49  

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