Scamming With Integrity -- I

*From the '07 scambaiting archives, and one that has to be read to be believed..and barely at that*

I can tell the Apocalypse is fast approaching.

Human stupidity -- real and perceived -- is fast becoming SOP, and I can well imagine that God is shaking His mighty head, and pondering starting over with genetically-altered ameoba or something.

My last email scammer is a classic case in point.

Barrister David Jackson, Lagos, Nigeria. It's the usual "dead foreigner with large bank account, won't you please be my step-in beneficiary for a percentage of millions?" ploy. And as usual, he has his "banker" -- John Ovia -- with the WEMA Federal Bank of Nigeria, to whom I must send my personal and banking information. Once this is done (while I'm calling him John Ovaries in all correspondence), he then demands I send to him three documents that I don't have: a certificate of death of the original fund holder, a certificate of tax rectification for the original fund holder, from the Nigerian Government (snort), and a certificate of transfer of ownership transfer to the beneficiary (aka, moi).

And who but Barrister David Jackson has them. And, of course, he's managed to pay for the procurement of two of the three documents (the one's that are usually unavoidable in life, death and taxes), which he claims he laid out $10,000 of his own dollars for. So he needs me to pay for the last, and all-important document at a cost of $2380, via Western Union moneygram. To him.

Uh huh.

I won't repost all of the scam exchange correspondence here; it was pretty boring and routine for the most part. Other than when I directed the 'Bannister' to call me at the telephone number in Houston that was provided to me by that gem of a twit, Bruno Weka (a few columns back); then, I got from Jackson a very testy email, demanding to know why I was so rude to him on the phone.

Probably it had to do with (a) Jackson called the number at about 2am, Houston time, which is when I told him to call (b) it wasn't me he woke up, it was another scammer, and (c) being awakened at that hour, and having a strange voice saying "U. R. Phulovit? U. R. Phulovit?" to you, is probably enough to make you be rude, too.

I just responded with a "you idiot, you dialed the wrong number; you didn't talk to me! You stood me up! I should cancel the whole deal NOW!", which immediately calmed Jackson down, and drew an apology.

Ain't I a stinker?

At any rate, I figgered this one was done when I sent him one of my unpatented fake currency bills via email, and told him to "photocopy all you want" for his sterling efforts at trying to give me the business. That usually brings further contact to an abrupt end.

But not Bannister Jackson. He wrote back much aggrieved, both that I would "make lite of a serous businees proposition" and would "call me a scamer, when I have long carrerr of much integriy". He then went onto insist his offer was "real and fully legel", and that if "you arent up to completing the transacton, I would ask you to do right for me and give me power of attorney so I can find new partner".

Are you kidding me? Which is basically what I responded with.

Nawp; he wasn't kidding me. He repeated the request, even using the words "beging" and "please, if you are dcent man of intgrity".

Now, I'm a lot of things, including verbose, cynical, sarcastic and flatulent. All of which can also define an attorney. But I can assure you, I ain't no attorney. I've never met anyone who played one on TV. I've known a few corporate attorneys, with whom I worked on issues or was laid off with back in my corporate-cog days. But generally, there's no decent or shyster attorney who calls me an acquaintance without a disclaimer. Law-wise, I know enough not to break most laws. Tort-wise, I know I like the edible kind. But I don't know squat about giving someone a "power of attorney" document.

So 'twas time to expand my horizons.

Next up: Scamming with Integrity -- II: the document I prepared and sent to Bannister David Jackson.

I don't think Law and Order will be knocking down my door for additional work anytime soon...but some bill drafters in Congress might take note.