Scamming with Integrity -- III

The life of an email scammer must be hell.

Trying to keep all those victims and responses straight, and not getting confused with which replies go to whom.

Poor Bannister David Jackson, illegitimate playmate of Michael Jackson, apparently is having that problem.

In Episode II -- after he or someone on his end had had time to digest the meaning of the Power of Aturkey I'd sent him -- I received an email with a pretty definitive, emphatic heading (see II for a recap) that suggested we were finished as bidness "partners". I figured that was that.

As yesterday proved, I was wrong.

In yesterday's email, I got this from His Nibs, and quite as if what I took to be the final response never happened:

"U. R. Phulovit: What is happening? the Bank has refused to accept my new partner, what have you done again?? Talk to me now".

Hello? Is there any intelligent life out in Scamland? Yeah, I know...that's a rhetorical and ridiculous question. Didn't he just tell me to get F**...er...screwed?

So I sent the frantic bannister a succinct reply:

Jacko:

I have no idea what you're chortling on about. I sent you a power of aturkey, just as you asked, and washed my beak of the whole affair, especially when you wrote back in a most unappreciative fashion. Now, if the bank has refused to accept your new suck...partner, that's a matter between you and the bank, and involves me not.

If it's simply a matter concerning the overpriced documents you procured, why not procure some more? It worked for Jay Leno and Doritos.

Today, I get this "plea" from the ever-desperate bannister who ignores the pop culture reference:

"U. R. Phulovit: I have been to the bank and i was told that the application filed on behalf of my new partner will not be accepted as you have been approved as the heir to late Steve Moore and that the only way he can be accepted is for you to come to Wema bank headquater to sign a fund relief voucher and the power of attorney and a clear photograph will be taken of your for record prupose.

U. R., i am creeping on your understanding please come to Nigeria and sign this documents so that my new partner can finish from where you stoped, i pormise to compensate you with the sum of $4,000,000.00 once the fund is paid to my partner.

If i had the money for the document honestly speaking i would never ever ask for your assistance instead would have gotten it procured and sent ot you to be fowarded to the bank so that our fund can be payed to you but like i told you i have spent all the money i had that i even had to borrow and now my credit is bad as am now indebted.

I would realy want you to seat down and reason that the amount involve here is not $1 or a thousand dollers, it is $27 million united state dollars not a chicken change and not even a child play so when you talk abount the documents involve in getting this fund am talking about classified documents and what do you expecte your jurisdiction is far different from mine here as this is Africa not America.

Please just do me this last favour to make this right with bank and come and sign the documents and i promise i will make it up to you i swear".

Danged if I can't almost imagine to hear the violin strain from the movie Young Frankenstein, playing in the background. Which, as I mull a reply, is quickly becoming the theme music to Caddy Shack.

Well, alrighty then. Let's see how desperate the bannister truly is:

Jacko:

Your story is genuinely touching. Just as your original offer to give me the business was.

But to your bank's insistence that I have to come to Nigeria, I say this: it is, to be honest, a wagonload of meerkat poop. I am not required to come to Nigeria to execute the power of aturkey. The document I sent you and your banker, John Ovaries, is all that your bank needs to prepare the way for succor to be provided you by way of another dubious recipient to be designated as your client to be signed on in my place.

Bottom line, Bannister, I am not flying to Nigeria. Too many foreigners die in plane crashes there.

But I am not totally without a heart and sphincter. If your bank insists upon a personal meeting, then here is how they can have that requirement met:

-- you tell your banker to fly to Houston, Texas. Tell him to bring along his administrative assistant, secretary, ho, whatever, as his official witness.

-- I will meet him at the international airport in Houston (GHWB International, not Houston Hobby), and there I will sign any document he and his ho prepare and bring with him. If you have $4,000,000 to pay me at the conclusion of this effort to give me the business, then your banker can accept a promissory note from you, for all expenses necessary to make this trip.

-- if you and your banker agree to these terms, I will waive any and all claims on your offered fee of $4,000,000, so you can add this as a "bonus incentive" to your banker, to make this journey. That, I'm sure, will sweeten the latrine for him.

If you are as serious about this business as you say you are, then you must convince your banker that if he won't accept the power of aturkey I sent him, then he must come here to Houston, and bring with him a document that he will accept to complete your efforts. Only in this way will I sign any further documents on this matter.

This is my counter-proposal, Bannister. It's now up to you.

Next up -- surprisingly -- Scamming with Integrity IV. Persistence pays. Just not hyar.