Anatomy of a Piss-off (I of III)

*Another, shorter series from my scambaiting archives of '07, and one of my classics*

Question: what does the movie Kelly's Heroes, the animated TV show South Park, Hillary Clinton and an email scammer all have in common?

The answer will come at the end of this series, but not one that will relieve the look of 'shock' on Hillary's face.

It all began on Friday, May 25: I got an email job offer. From Kelley Ko Fabrics & Textiles, alleged to be located in the UK. But with a Yahoo! Japanese email address (kelley_ko4325@yahoo.co.jp). The letter started with Japanese kanji (their fancy printing), and ended with this simple English offer to give me the business:

"Would you like to work from home and get paid weekly? If you are interested get back to us promptly. Best regards, Kelley Ko, Employment Co-ordinator".

Oh horsefeathers...why not? Deciding to play along, I decided also to change how I played: this time, I am the ever-eager applicant, who can't wait to get started:

Dear Mr. Ko:

Your email is like the answer to a prayer! Please, please, PLEASE SEND ME MORE INFORMATION! I AM SO UP FOR THIS!

Nothing like ladling the hook with lots of attractive bait.

The next day, Ko was back to me with the details, and they were typical of this kind of scam: I receive money order 'payments' from US-based clients, I deposit the money orders in my bank account, I withhold a 10% fee for myself, and I Western Union the balance to two of the company's UK-based contacts. On average, the money orders I would be accepting would be in the $4,000 range.

All of which I'd get stuck for, of course, if I were the ignorant, gullible schlep that Kelley Ko and Co. were taking me for.

And of course I had to fill out my personal information, which I was too happy to do, courtesy of a former scammer, Bruno Weka:

Kelley:

Here is my employment information. The sooner I can start, the better!

First Name: Uranus

Middle Name: Rektom

Last Name: Phulovit

Address: 600 Travis Place

Houston, TX 77002

Phone: 1-713-481-5223

Gender: Male

Marital Status: Single

Age: 50

Nation of Origin: Great Britain; naturalized US citizen since 1986

On Monday, May 28, I was advised by Mr. Ko that I had been accepted as an employee, and would be eligible to start receiving client money orders for prompt processing that very week. His congratulatory note concluded with "The company is in dire need of funds at the moment and we are counting on you to handle all payments on behalf of the company very promptly. We have to obtain funds to purchase new stock of materials to enable us to meet the orders placed by our new customers on schedule as we cannot afford to loose them".

I assured him with a quick response that I am so ready for this! I can't wait! I am so looking forward to getting the business from you!

On Wednesday, May 30, Kelley writes and advises me that the first client money order is coming to me via UPS, and to inform me that I am to process it as follows:

"Send $2,000 of the balance to Brenda Briggs, 768B Bath Road, Hounslow, Middlesex, London, TW5 9TY, UK; and the rest of the balance to Dennis Evan, 45 Central Road, Wembley, Middlesex, London HA0 4HN, UK". I also note that his email address has changed to kelley_ko5@yahoo.com .

I am quick to reply with You can count on me, Mr. Ko! I owe you everything for this opportunity! I won't fail to open your eyes with my performance.

Indeed, I didn't.

First, I didn't follow up with any more email for the that week. Finally, on Wednesday, June 6, I get this from Kelley:

"Dear Uranus: I have been waiting to hear from you. Tried to call you on the number you gave (the Houston number I borrowed from Bruno Weka) but was spoken to very rudely by someone there who then hung up on me. Was this you? Cannot understand this. I must refirm for you that the company is counting on you to deliver those funds to us promptly, as we need them to continue our business relations with our clients. Get back to me right away".

I am prompt with my reply:

Kelley, I don't know what you're talking about. You didn't call me. You couldn't have. My phone has been out of order with the inclement weather of the past few days. So it wasn't me who was rude to you.

At any rate, I do have the funds in my possession. I am preparing now to take care of the Western Union transfers.

WITH ONE WEE LITTLE ADDENDUM...I have decided that my services will require me to withhold 15%, instead of just 10%. I am sure you'll understand and be perfectly happy to allow me this one little perk.

His response was, on the whole, rather agreeable:

"Dear Uranus: the company is in dire need of the funds, and I am asking that you complete the Western Union transfer without delay. We agreed to a 10% fee for you, but I suppose I can accept you holding 15% instead but you must wire the balance now. This is important to us."

He's so agreeable, I decide now's a good time to ask for a raise:

Kelley: thank you for your flexibility and willingness to see things my way. You have so impressed me as a fair-minded employer, I have decided to keep 35% for myself, and wire you the balance. I am certain you will approve, and will wire you the balance once you have confirmed my certainty.

Next up: Anatomy of a Piss-off II