Scamming with Integrity -- IV

Really, folks, I'm almost as astonished as you are, that this silly series made it past II.

But Bannister David Jackson -- illegitimate sex toy of Michael Jackson -- is incredibly persistent.

In Episode III, I conclude with the counter proposal to Jackson, that his banker (John Ovaries) and his admin assistant/secretary/ho/whatever, journey to Houston, Texas, where they can meet Mr. U. R. Phulovit, obtain his authentic photo, and get his signature on any document they desire it on.

Jackson writes back with the following plea:

"U. R. Phulovit, you are realy getting the whole thing wrong one thing you should know is, we are the one making the cliam from the bank and you are not the real next of kin to late Steve Moore and you and i know this is a deal,so tell me how doyou expect me to tell a whole bank official to go to America and meet with you U. R. Phulovit, please reason with me as human with feelings (here go the strains of the violin from Young Frankenstein, again).

The bank made it known to me that, it's in their rules and it must be adhere to not matter what, the only way my new partner can be accepted is when you come and sign the necessary documents and a photograph of you is taken as prove. The $4,000.00 *TOING* i said i was going to compenste you with will be givin to you only after the funds hits my new partner's accounts.

If i had money for last documents wich is holden down the success of this deal i would have used it to proclure the document and sent it to you. for the bank to wire the fund to you, please i realy need you to think this over as your coming to Nigeria to sign this document is inevitable.

Please, U. R. Phulovit, please for humanity sake put a little consideration to this matter and i promise to make it up as soon as my new partner is paid".

I was born in the morning, shore 'nuff. But it tweren't THIS morning, and his notion of inevitable is not mine:

Bannister,

Okay, let's get to the rat killing hyar. Nothing is inevitable, but death and taxes, cramps and gas. Not necessarily in that order.

You have revealed in this latest a big lie, and have blown your threadbare credibility into microscopic turd balls an ant couldn't find. First, after you pled for me to give you a power of aturkey, you promise to pay me $3,000. Then, when the bank becomes obstinate about only dealing with me, and not your new partner, you offer me $4,000,000 to come to Nigeria.

Now, in this last pleading, you offer me only $4,000.00.

You spoke of your integrity in an earlier email, Bannister. But you have no integrity; at the very least, you have no math or memory skills.

I tell you previously, and I will tell you again, if you want my cooperation with your bank, THIS IS HOW IT WORKS:

-- you level with your banker, Mr. Ovaries, about the fund and the deal you're trying to give me the business over. You then convince Mr. Ovaries that he and his ho come to Houston, take my picture, get my signature on the document of their pithy choosing, and not only will you get your funds; Mr. Ovaries will get the $4,000,000 commission that you promised me, before you became a politician on the campaign trail, and lied to get my vote.

That is how it's going to work, Bannister. THAT is what is inevitable, if you wish this deal to proceed with me as a part of it. I send you and your bank a perfectly puerile Power of Aturkey, and still you're trying to draw me into a nasty airport full of dead flies and wandering wildebeest droppings, where foreigners die by the planeload. Well, it ain't happening, Bannister. You send your banker and his ho to Houston to do things my way. And that's what is INEVITABLE, if you want your money.

It' now up to you.

In six years, I do not believe I have encountered such a persistent, and desperate, scammer:

"U. R. Phulovit: You have realy misunderstand everything of my email i wrote you, please go back and cross check the emails and you will surely understood every bit of my email.

I implore you I no say to you a promise of $4,000,000. For christ sake if i have the money i promise you now i would have use it to procure the Affidavit of claim and send it to you for the fund to be paid rather than bring in someone like my new partner because he is very demanding as his own share from the fund is two times bigger that what i offered you.

There is no way the bank will accept what you are saying as they have protocol and rules guilding their policy.

Please my good friend and brother *TOING* I beg of you lets find ways to archieve this goal, you and i know we have come a very long way in this. Please come to Nigeria or lets look for ways to get the Affidavit of claim and i can discard this korean man as to be honests with you he is very greedy man.

Please reason with me as i count on you to get this done".

Makes me almost feel guilty about not jumping on a plane and flying right down to Nigeria.

MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

So let's see how much more this bannister is willing to grovel:

Bannister:

I understand your position. I really do. But there is no need for me to cross-check the emails, since I'm not playing hockey with them. I have read most clearly all that you have written. And I will reinterate my position: your banker and his ho must come to Houston, if they wish a new document be signed between them and me IN PERSON. I don't care what they say about policy and procedure; this is MY POLICY AND PROCEDURE.

Besides and as I pointed out, THE LIFE EXPECTANCY OF A FOREIGNER TRAVELLING BY PLANE TO NIGERIA IS EXTREMELY SHORT-LIVED. I have received a number of emails about foreigners killed in air crashes in Nigeria. I will not become yet another.

I already sent you, at your request, a power of aturkey! Why will the bank not accept it for your Asian dupe? Do you know what it cost me to pay for four lawyers of dubious antecedence and worse billing practices, dinner at a Hooter's Restaurant? Not to mention the fact that I got banned from the place for their conduct. The management there didn't appreciate the "evidence tampering". Neither did the several waitresses they went through.

But, as you've begged of me, I do wish to be reasonable. So, here is a compromise I offer: ask the bank to send me a text copy of a form that they will accept, that needs only my signature on it. This I will be happy to sign and send back to them. I will include a current photo of me with it, if this pleases them.

Run this through your banker, and see if this is a workable compromise. After all, I understand that you wish not to have me let reason cloud your ability to give me the business. On this, you have been adamant.

Will there be an Episode V? Will Bobby Joe admit he poked Billie Jean behind the wood pile, causing her to crave peanut butter on pickles with bananas? Will gas go higher? Will Dubya bomb Iran? Will American Idol find a new William Hung next season? Will the stock market break 14,000 in 2007? Will Al Gore ever tell the truth about global warming? Will Rosie and The Donald ever admit their torrid love affair in the back of a Yugo in Central Park in '06?

Look for the answer to the former hyar. To the rest...eh.