Skunkfeathers: South African Swing and a MISS

James Deschamp, claiming to represent the South African Reserve Bank, doesn't exactly understand me.

He should have tried harder.

Here's how he started:

From: Office of the Chief of staff
Head of Operations
South African Reserve Bank
370 Helen Joseph Street,
Pretoria, 0002
P O Box 427,
Pretoria, 0001
Date: 17/08/2021

Attn: Jack Ewehoff

RE: NOTICE OF CONFISCATION OF UNCLAIMED FUND PAYMENT AMOUNT

We bring to your urgent attention that our record has indicated that
your approved fund amount is still lying unclaimed despite concession
given for its release for payment to you as beneficiary.

Consequently, your payment will be deferred and fund confiscated as
unclaimed due to your inability to provide this office with the Personal
Identification Number (PIN)code.

We do understand the amount of pressure our office is receiving from
various beneficiaries who want to receive their payment at all cost.
Please be informed that the management will not accept such excuses in
making blunders. Therefore, the beneficiary (YOU) should revert back to
us to discuss the way forward else any further delay will result to the
immediate confiscation of this payment.

Payment of your unclaimed amount due will be made within 48hrs of your
response and compliance.

In your reply, kindly send a valid ID for authentication and assessment.

Yours faithfully,
James Deschamp
Office of the Chief of Staff.
South African Reserve Bank

The pet rocks weren't participating in this incident, but were happy to be referenced:

How can a bank confiscate what doesn't exist?

Asking for a pet rock friend.

Mr. Deschamp wasn't terribly bright, but he did at least understand some of the reply:

Thanks for your response. I do not know what made you say such but this is a legitimate transaction devoid of any bogus claim. Despite the fact that internet is now riddled with so many scams and fraudulent proposals, we are transparent and have shown this as there is no hidden fee but openly have made known to you from the onset the cause of the hold on your payment. This is no child’s play as such we expect your compliance to instructions as given without making excuses. Find attached copy of my work ID.

As the beneficiary, you are to reconfirm the below information thus:

1. Full names and current address
2. Phone number preferably mobile
3. Scanned copy of your id (international passport/drivers license/national id)
4. Total payment amount due to you

Note that without the Personal Identification Number (PIN) your online account cannot be activated for payment of the complete amount through our corresponding payment agents. You are therefore advised to make payment for the PIN to enable us re-approve and re-schedule your payment within the next 48hrs. The PIN can be gotten with the assistance of our accounts team with the Sum of $2,150.00.(Two Thousand One Hundred and Fifty United States Dollars only).

That you will have to send down here.

Let us know how you want to make the payment!

If you prefer a bank transfer, equally let us know and we will forward the receiving agents bank account information for the payment. Note that this must be done within the next 48hrs

In your reply, kindly send a valid ID for authentication and assessment.

Yours faithfully,
James Deschamp
Office of the Chief of Staff

He further intended to enhance his authentication with this ID:

Ah, no child's play, eh? Well now...we'll make it a point to approach it like that. Thanks for letting us know.

That made the edited follow up that went back to Deschamp and 50 plus of his peers and colleagues easy:

From: JAMES DESCHAMP <jamdeschampsa@gmail.co.za>
Sent: Friday, August 20, 2021 6:50 AM
To: constipatedmathematician09@gmail.com
Subject: NOTICE OF CONFISCATION OF GENITALS FROM UNVAXXINATED LEMURS

From: Office of the Chief of staff

Hindquarters of Operations
South African Bank of Fawg, Unltd
370 Helen Keller's Blindspot Street,
Pretoria, 0002
P O Box 427,
Pretoria, 0001
Date: 18/08/2021

Sir

RE: NOTICE OF CONFISCATION OF GENITALS FROM UNVAXXINATED LEMURS

Thanks for your response. I do not know what made you say such. Devil bunnies, devil bunnies, I snort the banana!

I don't know what made me say that such but this is an illegitimate transaction devoid of any basis in fact claim. Despite the fact that internet is now riddled with so many scams and fraudulent proposals -- very much like this one -- we have transparents who are no longer sure of what sex they are and if they're even humanoid.

This is no child’s play; Becca Sue knows that after I molested her behind the wood pile and now she's pregnant and going to bear me an emu in the spring without making excuses.

As the dupe in this scheme, you are to reconfirm the below information thus:

1. Full names and current address
2. Phone number preferably mobile
3. Scanned copy of your id (international passport/drivers license/national id)
4. Total payment amount due to you

Note that without the Personal Identification Number (PIN) your online account cannot be activated for payment of the complete amount through our corresponding payment agents. This is because (a) there is no fund for you to claim and (b) even if there was, we're too Third World inept to make this sound remotely plausible, like turkeys falling from helicopters in Cincinnati.

You are therefore advised to make payment for the PIN to enable us re-approve and re-schedule your payment within the next 48hrs. The PIN can be gotten with the assistance of our accounts team with the Sum of $2,150.00.(Two Thousand One Hundred and Fifty United States Dollars only).

That you will have to send down h'yah, before we don't send the fund that don't exist up th'yah. And yes, we watch South Park.

Let us know how you want to make the payment! We accept Discover, Amex, Masturbate, Visa, iTunes, virgin goats and bit coins with the portrait of Joe Bidumb.