Skunkfeathers: Scam Derailment Made Easy

Scammers and their templates are fragile things.

Once you get them off their talking points, it's not all that hard to hear their template derail.

Garba Usman is a case in point:

Your payment file has been found. We are sorry for the delay in responding to your application but we were busy looking for your payment file as we all here are new appointees. After our general election old administrators has gone and we are here now to continue the payment.

The File states that your account statement is below

Name: Jack Ewehoff

Bank name: BARCLAYS BANK

Account #: 010168567324

Amount: US$5.5 million

Therefore,if you are real owner of this email address kindly reply now so that I will tell you the next thing to do because we are ready to finalize this transfer now. Note that the only fee you will pay is $75 which is for Stamping and Endorsement of your File by Minister of Finance. So reply so that I will give you information to send it today.

Thanks

Garba Usman

Contract Payment Coordinator.

I had to do a little resoich here to figure out what ol' Garba was talking about; he was apparently taking up where another scammer had given up over six months ago with a Barclays Bank scam that never made it to first base. Perhaps that scammer was staked out behind the fly-infested internet cafe on an army ant hill for failing to produce; so the ball was handed off to Garba.

Poor bastard:

What fund?

Garba responds by repeating the complete first email. From there, it's all down hill for him:

How much of what fund?

Amount: US$5.5 million Compensation Fund from United Nation Africa Office

Well, I don't need it. I'm already rich. give it to someone else.

Garba responds by again repeating the complete first email. *Yawn*:

You don't read too good, do you?

Garba ignores that and instead tries to introduce a new character into the mix:

This message is coming to you from Ministry of Justice Ghana. We are
informing you that all Unclaimed ATM CARDS are been submitted to
the Newly appointed Officer to handle the Sending of the card to your
address.

You know that your card worth of Us$1.5 million Dollars had been here
for long and is now with Mrs.Rose Aka new appointed Official.
Therefore, you are advised to get in touch with Mrs. Rose Aka and ask
her when she will be sending the ATM CARD to your address.

However, you are to provide to her your Current address to avoid any
error during the delivery. Contact her with her below information here

Office address:

No 37647 Adenta Lay Out Koforidua Ghana
Email: mrsroseaka1976@gmail.com
Phone: (+)233-552-759-213
Fax : (+)233-551-678-111

We will be happy to hear the good news that you have received your ATM CARD

Thanks and Best Regards,
Management

Apparently it was up to my character to contact Ms Rose Aka and arrange to get my ATM card. My character did:

Hi Rose. Garba Usman told me to contact you and tell you to get off your lazy fat ass and send me my f**ing ATM card. Knock off the six cheeseburgers lunches and get with it, beeyotch.

Funny thang: my character never hears from Aka. He do continue to hear from Garba:

have you contacted the madam Rose and received your card?

I have contacted madam Rose. She seems to be a a blooming idiot, however. No card yet. Not very efficient in Ghana, are they?

Not only Garba doesn't read very well there:

Hello Mr.Jack

Congratulations For receiving your Fund $30.5m i am Happy for you because I saw the remark where they marked that you have received it at last CONGRATS once again. God Bless yOU and Invest it well.

Thanks

Garba Usman.

Wahl, thank ye. However, no card received yet. I won't be receiving it. But I will invest it with the same alacrity that the "not ghana happen" reality suggests. Are my congratulations still in order? Asking for a friend.

Garba appears to be attempting to match wits here:

Do U want to receive it because you cannot invest what you don't have. it is when you have it that you can invest it.

I'd like to receive it but I won't be receiving it because you aren't ghana have it to send.

The Only reason you will not receive it is if you don't want to pay the certification fee of $75 but If you pay it whom I am to withhold your payment.

Thanks

Garba's English comprehension ain't ghana get any better:

Do you realize what you just wrote? You just wrote you'd withhold it whether I pay the fee or not.

Words mean things.

Thanks for your message. What I mean is that nobody including I myself can hold your money after you paid the fee. I may be grammatical wrong because English is not my native language but My Intention is what i JUST SAID NOW.

It means there is no reason to deny your transfer when you paid. Unless you refuse to pay the $75 dollars but If you pay the $75 why should anyone deny you the payment?

Thanks

Garba Usman.

Getting a bit testy, ain't he?

Well, under perfectly NORMAL circumstances, if I paid someone $75 for services to be rendered, I would expect and likely get those services rendered. In this particular case, you're urging me to pay you $75 for services that don't really exist. You ain't ghana have that kind of money at your fingertips to send me. If you did, you'd be using it for yourself. Prove me wrong. *Jeopardy Theme music*

Garba tries again:

thank God that you said it all that in a normal situation this is how it will be and also said otherwise. But One thing I am assuring you is that there is no way I can be requesting for $75 without having the payment ready for you. I will advise you to try me with this and see that what you are afraid of will bring success to you because I myself and God know that what I am telling you is real but you don't know as you are not seeing in Spirit. I don't have jurisdiction to use any beneficiary's money. It is illegal and if such a thing happens it leads to jail directly.

So I will advise you to try your best. I know that money is hard to get but try me and see the glory of God. You can even send the $75 and after receiving the payment you will be calling me and saying that you want to visit me. Some people did come here honestly and we are good because I am a good man living by my words. So let me know to send you information to send the $75 to me.

He's a good man living by his words, eh? Let's see:

You may demonstrate your authenticity and forthrightness this way:

Send me the payment first.
Upon my receiving the payment in full, I will send you $75.
As a bonus for your having proved yourself, I will send you an additional $50,000.

I await your respond.

And with that, all the template train wheels go shooting off into the track side void:

Thanks may be you have made up your mind that you don't want the payment. I am the one who will tell you what to do not you directing me spo if you don't want to follow my directive kindly leave the Fund sir try another place or person.

Thanks

James.

He even forgot who he was supposed to be.

Oh whoops...I see your name changed in that last correspondence. Were you supposed to be Rose Aka as well? Don't you just HATE when they change your name and at times gender during the game? Makes you have to think about behind which tree is your assigned dunny. At any rate, since this ain't ghana work for you, perhaps you can use the time to drop a resume at Monster.com and apply for something more fitting for you. I'll give you a reference. Public toilets hereabouts need seat lickers.