Howell-ing Mad

I get my share of scams with a military-based template.  Usually from "US Army soldiers" in foreign lands that have alleged "found" large sums of USD they want to share in return for my help.

Or that of my scambaiting character and pet rocks, Seymour and Element.

This time, it's a scam effort from "Captain" Sarah Howell, US Army, serving in Syria.

This photo is of a Sarah, but not Howell.  This Sarah is serving in the UK Military, and honorably so.

She would probably like to jackslap the Sarah that sent me this:

Greetings Beloved Friend / Email Owner,

 

My Name is Sarah Howell. I am an American soldier, born in Austin Texas, USA.  Upon my graduation from High School, when I lost my mother and father in a car accident. I volunteered to join the U.S. Army serving in the military of the 3rd Infantry Division presently in Al-Tanf-Syria, for training, also helping in stabilizing the country against security challenges. With a very desperate need for assistance, I have decided to contact you for your kind assistance to move the sum of US$35,500,000.00 (Thirty-Five Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) to you, if I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service. Some money in various currencies was discovered in boxes at a Farmhouse during a rescue operation we conducted in one of the attacks by the terrorists and it was agreed by my colleagues and I that some part of this money be shared among us.

 

The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a (Turkish Doctor) working with Red Cross, I was able to get the Box out to a safe location entirely out of trouble spot. He does not know the real content of the Box, I told him that it belongs to an American medical doctor who died in a raid here in Syria, and before giving up, he trusted me to hand over the Box to his Family.

 

I have now found a much secured way of getting the Cash Box out of Syria to you for pick-up and I will discuss this with you when I am sure that you are willing to assist me. I am ready to compensate you with 35% of the US$35,500,000.00 Dollars for your assistance. I do not know how long we will remain here, and I have been shot, wounded and survived two suicide bomb attacks by the special grace of God. Please contact me as soon as possible with the below email. Send the below details to my private email: ( 764411sarah@gmail.com ) as to enable us to proceed. Because I need to register the consignment in your name as the Beneficiary/Receiver.

 

Full Name:

Full Address:

Tel/cell Number:

Occupation:

 

God Bless you as I look forward to your positive response.

 

Sarah Howell.

US ARMY

Al-Tanf-Syria

(U.S. Military Base)

Email:  764411sarah@gmail.com  

 

 

Convincing, eh?  *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

 

Not even my pet rocks bought this one.  And Seymour was all too eager to handle the edit on this one:

 

 

Please send all replies and inquiries to Captain Sarah Howell -- possibly related to the late Thurston Howell III -- at email address  sarah764411@gmail.com and always remember to sign it "Love", since that's the company she commanded before it was wiped out in an attack on a 7-11 in Portland OR during an Antifa "Let's Rape Toilet Paper Tubes" demonstration in November.  Those danged Patriot Riders are bigger and way badder than us snowflakes from Berkeley.

 

From: Capt. Sarah Howell <sarah764411@gmail.com>
Sent: Monday, February 3, 2020 11:44 PM
Subject: Your PRIVATE Letter

 

Greetings Non-Gender Specified Recipient / Email Owner,

 

My Name is Sarah Howell. I am a soldier, a lonely soldier, away from home at no wish of my own.  I spend my days doing KP because I am, as captains go, a bad goil.  My very, very bad.  Wait until the generals see what I put in their rations...but I digress.

Upon my graduation from High School, I lost my virginity to a smart car with a battery operated dildo and a cheeseburger dinner at Red Robin.  I volunteered to join the Antifa  Army serving presently in Portland, also helping in destabilizing the country because I'm pissed that Hellary f**ked up the election that was rigged in her favor and lost to...to...*gasp*...I can't even say his name!  Oh, the bowel agonies...why did Hellary have to fall off her broom so many times during the campaign?  It was, after all, her turn; her book said so:

Anyway, when we in Antifa are not getting the crap kicked out of us by law-abiding citizens tired of our endless sh*t, we have a very desperate need for assistance;  I need help with a gender quadruple switch operation, in which I want to try being four sub-genders at once (trans, bi, octosexual orthopod and a tree with a convenient knot hole), I have decided to contact you for your kind assistance to help me make this happen.

Will you organize a bake sale or something to raise funds for me?  Yes, I know about #GOFUNDME:  I tried that, and most responses told me to go do something else to myself.  I must have been hearing only from democraps, who didn't realize I was one of them.  And in Antifa for pity's sake.  They must have thought that I was in the US Army or a Trump voter or something.

Without those multiple operations, I can't go do something else to myself just yet.  The vacuum cleaner hose is long enough, but even with lubricant....ugh.

So I need your help, but PLEASE do NOT conduct this bake sale in Portland, OR.  My fellow Antifa scumbags tend to wreck anything that has so much as a hint of decency attached to it.  They're so stupid, they'd stomp a mud hole in your efforts on my behalf, even if I was there leading them and imploring them to behave for once ("Stop iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!  This is for ME!!!"). 

Now, if you have Patriot Riders protecting the bake sale, my Antifa pussies will go attack ducks at the local park pond instead.  Ducks they feel like they have a chance against.

I have now found a way you can hold a bake sale on my behalf without Antifa screwing with you:  hold it in Arkansas.  Antifa is afraid of all the Bubbas there.

I will discuss this with you when I am sure that you are willing to assist me. I mean, why wouldn't you assist me?  Unless you want me to have some of my Antifa friends pay your local duck pond a visit?  Of course you don't...you like ducks.  So I am so ready for you to assist me with fund raising for my gender quadruple switch operation.  I can't wait to find out what an octosexual orthopod is, and what those kind of orgasms are like.

 I do not know how long we will remain here -- if we ever get a mayor with balls, the Portland Police will kick the sh*t out of us and deservedly so after a few of our members sodomized one of their motorcycles and horses -- and we may have to move our maggot-infested horde to San Crapcisco, where the streets are almost foul enough now for us to live in.  

Please contact me as soon as possible with the below email. Send the below details to my private email: ( 764411sarah@gmail.com ) as to enable us to proceed. Because I need to register my place for the gender quadruple switch operation as soon as possible.

 

Full Name:

Full Address:

Tel/cell Number:

Occupation:

 

Dysentery bless you since we Antifans don't believe in anything good or decent.

 

Sarah Howell.

Antifa

What's left of Portland OR

Email:  764411sarah@gmail.com  

 

 

What comes as no surprise, the good 'Captain' didn't write back to Seymour, disappointing him mightily.  It did cause Element some thought about what the Captain was doing to the general's rations...I just reminded Element of my lack of acumen in the kitchen, and that took care of that.