Hogwash It Is

It's not often that a scammer starts out their scam template with an honest representation of what their email is all about.

Especially intentionally.

But that's what this one did, and see how quickly you notice it:


Dear Friend,
Greetings to you.

Please do not view my appeal as a vacuous hogwash. My trusted family attorney who could have executed my WILL & TESTAMENT on my behalf died early this year after a brief illness.I therefore prayed fervently on how to handle this pressing situation and God directed me to you.I am Mrs. Bennie Caroline Morgan,from Brisbane Australia,I am 62 years old. I am suffering from cancer of the lungs & it has affected part of my brain cells due to complications.My condition is degenerating & i may expire in the next couple of months,unless God intervenes.  


In 19 years of dealing with email scammers, I've never had one ask me not to consider their email "vacuous hogwash".

Even while it is.

The scammer email went on for a number of paragraphs, piling more vacuous hogwash atop the lead-off sentence.  And that gave me some room for editing in a manure that most hogs would genuinely appreciate:


THROUGH RAIN, SNOW, DARK OF DYSENTERY, I PLEAD WITH YOU DON'T LIGHT FARTS

Dear Unknowd Person of Dubious Antecedence, Gender, Privilege and Voting Preferences,

 Please do not view my appeal as a vacuous hogwash. View it with all the reverence due that of a South Park episode, wherein vacuous hogwash would be substituted for vacuous man-bear-pigwash.  My trusted family atturkey who executed my WILL & TESTAMENT with a bloviated Salad Shooter early this year has left me the task of having to come up with another will and testament.  I therefore prayed fervently on how to handle this pressing situation and a goat-head baphomet that looks like Hellary Clinton with horns, mounted on a broom, directed me to you shortly before she crashed into a tree, which is her latest excuse for having lost in 2016.

I am Mrs. Bennie Caroline Morgan, from a refugee camp in Senegal where 36 years ago I was molested when a current US Appeals Court judge asked me for my phone number and then proceeded to date my sister, my mother, my cousins and a pet donkey we had.  Now I am 62 years old and I am suffering from #metoo memories that change as often as the talking points from the DNC are received.  My condition is degenerating & i may have to declare as a non-binary gender-fluid octosexual orthopod in the next couple of months, unless cnn intervenes with a spot on a panel show whereon I can become as infamous as Jim Acosta.

I can no longer be a member of Oprah Winfrey's therapists, having gone twenty years without having an offspring or an onfall. My late husband had chronic flatulence and a penchant for lighting it, and he died of blowd up bowel syndrome a few years ago. He was actually quite an entertainment act in Nigeria for over 18 years, where he could create all sorts of democrap images with his exploding farts, from HRC to WTF and every current democrap notable in between, before his untimely death.

He also established Antifa cells in Portland before his exploding ass caught up with him.

 Consequent upon the shocking demise of my explosive spouse, i opted as a rule, not to have anything to do with conservatives. When medical reports revealed that my psychotic conditions were due to my excess exposure to liberalism, I auctioned off all of my Hellary Nutcrackers from 2008 and deposited the proceeds amounting to USD $9.95 with First Inland Bank of Nigeria plc. The management of the bank has written me a whole series of "who are you f**king kidding?" memos because of the pathetic balance in the account and mandated me in the memo to issue a letter to Dianne Frankenfeinstein, claiming that I was molested by the next US Supreme Court appointee in 1969 at the Hotel Kaliforlornia, which the Eagles sang about I am told.  I am assured that a porn atturkey of no integrity and less ethics will be happy to represent me on cnn as clearly spelt out in their rule of engagement.

I crave your indulgence as a millennial snowflake-fearing individual that equally has the moral equivalent of an outhouse pit, equal to that to be found anywhere in the DNC.  This is a painstaking decision i have taken to help Bela Pelosi become an unintelligible, stammering Sprecher of Das Haus in an upcoming mockumentary about the 2018 blue wave that never was.

Note that as soon as i receive your reply and personal information as listed below, I shall foul myself repeatedly, because only morons believe sh*t like this, which is why I usually send it to democraps, for the center of global moronism is centered at the DNC.  Let me remind you that my genitals have been sent to a holding sarcophagus in San Crapcisco, in case I change my non-binary gender-fluid octosexual orthopod status again.  

I am the ass, and you are the hand that's spanking my monkey.  Please assure me that you will not treat this offer with the abject levity that it deserves.

Kindly send the information in this order:

(1) Your full names (the more the betterer) :===================================

(2) personal, official or whatever contact address you care to use:===============================

(3) Home or Office phone#:============Cellphone#:==========Fax#:=======

(4) Your Age (I don't really need this, but it wouldn't see authentic if I didn't ask for it) :===============

(5)Occupation:===========================

(6)What do you have Sex with/and are you married to it:========================

I Await your response while hoping you will not laugh at me the way Trump does on Twitter.

May a marmot steal your virginity in the middle of the night.

Mrs. Bennie Caroline. Morgan
(London Uk)
Private Email: mrsbenniecarolinemorgan1951@gmail.com

The scammer didn't have much to say about how I treated her scam email as "vacuous hogwash".  The DNC probably will, but they're up to their eyelids in their own party's hogwash just now.