Military Unintelligence

When one of your email accounts gets an email from a military intelligence service for the World Court of Justice...you just KNOW what's going to happen.

'Specially when it was one of my accounts that got it.

Get a jackwagon load of this:


DIRECTORATE OF MILITARY INTELLIGENCE                  SECURITY AND DEPOSIT BUREAU
                 87 DMI PLAZA 24-A BRISTOL
                 STB69 LONDON- UNITED KINGDOM
                 HOTLINE:  +44 703 196 3553
 
Our Ref: DMI/WCJ/PT16
Attention: Jack Ewehoff
Date: 09 / 01 / 2017
 
  We acknowledge the receipt of your message. It is certain our notification will be a Surprise to you but this is a time for you to Rejoice and celebrate because the Governing Board of our esteemed Directorate in conjunction with the Financial Action Task Force of International Court of Justice has gone through the submitted files and records by our attached Surveillance monitoring Agencies and confirmed that YOU are one of the numerous Victims who lost funds in the past in lieu to unlawful scam invasion which many Citizens in different Countries of the World were scammed in such regrettable situations.
 
  The Directorate of Military Intelligence which is a subsidiary organ of the International Court of Justice and World Bank Security Council has mapped out US$16.350.000.00 (Sixteen Million three hundred and fifty thousand USA Dollars) to be paid to YOU as a benefactor listed in Category "D" payment scheme 2016 reward.

  Meanwhile we have moved your File to the verification unit for final verification of your datas and will get back to you when they are through. You are required to send (1) A copy of your Identification, please send via attachment and (2) Your Present Profession / Occupation (3) Your private phone number (4) Your home or Office address as to facilitate the final processing for the release and payment of your US$16.350.000.00 (Sixteen Million three hundred and fifty thousand USA Dollars)  to you.
 
  Respond back swiftly with your requested information's above. Most Important, Stop every communication with other department(s) for security of your fund. We have applied our esteem security network to ensure that your fund is successfully released to you without hitch.

I remain,
 
Mr. Gary Raymond
Payment Coordinator  


I know what the late George Carlin would have had to say about this.  My responding character took a different tactical route:

DIRECTORATE OF MILITARY INTELLIGENCE FOR PEOPLE WITH GAS
                 INVASION PLANNING BUREAU
                 87 DMI PLAZA 24-A BRISTOL
                 STB69 LONDON- UNITED KINGDOM
                 HOTLINE:  +44 703 196 3553

                 COLDLINE:  +44 703 196 3555

                 DEADLINE: +44 703 195 5335

                 BARLIGHTING LINES:  +44 703 197 5533

Our Ref: GENITAL ORDER #DMI/WCJ/PT16
Attention: LIECHTENSTEIN
Date: 09 / 01 / 2017

  We acknowledge and are certain our notification will be a Surprise to you but this to be expected in the world of military intelligence, for military intelligence is a science not unlike that of Jack 'n Diane in the back seat of a '60 Chevy.  Surprise is all in the world of military affairs, and not having your spouse discover your affair before you have prepared a suitable defense is pretty damned important.  But in Surpriseville, we digress.

  The Directorate of Military Intelligence For People With Gas which is a subsidiary organ of the International Court of Jaundice and World Risk Players Council has mapped out an invasion scenario whereby the Repugnant of Benin will, within a fortnight, invade and subjugate Liechtenstein.  This is necessary as a springbroad to the longer term goal of controlling the world supply of Swiss chocolate replicas of Kim Kardashian's monumental butt. 

 

 

 You have been pre-selected as an advanced notified party of the second part pursuant to Operations Order # 350.001 because we have learned through one of our sources with access to Hellary Clinton's email server that her and Al Franken are sharing fallatio with a yak.

 

 

  We are, of course, taking a risk in revealing this advanced intel to you, and are trusting that you won't leak this to one of the abject dunderheads at msnbc in order to disrupt the 2017 Macadamia Awards with a intemperate and rambling speech about Meryl Streep's painful rectal itch from a routine botoxing scheme she hatched with Michael Mooron for a 2017 dorkumentary about how they are now Muslim which is making no one else wanting to be. 

   Meanwhile we have moved your File to the verification unit for final verification prior to more detailed verification prior to the final last minute verification that you are a douche canoe capable of launching tampon cruise missiles against Targets and Walmarts in Toledo.

  You are required to send (1) A copy of your military capabilities (2) Your Present military procurements  / your military order of farces and state of readiness (3) Your private secretary's phone number  because we hear that she's hot (4) Your ability to repel a Gerbil invasion of Azerbaijan from the shores of Triple Hominy and (5) what will happen to your collection of Homer Simpson "DOH!" wave files if our invasion succeeds.

  Respond back swiftly with incredibly detailed and secret information's above. Most Important, Stop every communication with anyone in the DNC because all their sh*t winds up on Hellary's server and we've seen too many photos of her and Al Franken fallating that yak already.  We have applied our esteem security network to ensure that once we have successfully aided the Benin invasion of Liechtenstein, control of the world's supply of Swiss chocolate replicas of Kim Kardashian's monumental butt will allow us to prevent a second line of Lena Dunham's even more monumental bum.  That'd be worse than an Anthony Weiner sext giving away secrets from the Genital Suckretary of the George Stephanopoulous Bureau of Obola Softball Lack of Intelligence Briefings.  And five minutes of listening to Amy Schumer drivel. 

This is very important.  Our top spy in the Farce -- Yoda -- made it clear that "do or do not; there is no pastry" is non sequitur and should never be tried at home without a judge and jury engaged in critical experimentation to find and the play the brown note at the next DNC convention.  This may be the only way to prevent Hank Johnson from publically talking about Guam tipping over.

 I remain (because my gender reassignment was postponed for genital rebushing),

Mr. Gary Raymond
G-2 in charge of analyzing how I lost 53 consecutive games of Battleship to a marmot sock puppet

..................................................................................................................................................................................
The information contained in this e-mail is intended solely for the use of low information democraps who believe Hellary is the reintarnation of Joan of Ack, a Bill the Cat fantasy hairball that seeks to merge Bloom County with South Park in a reality series not starting even one distant relative of the Kardashians. Access, copying, or re-use of the e-mail or any information contained therein by any person is authorized by a concordat with cnn's faux news burro (making an ass of itself and the whole network since inception). If you are not the intended recipient(s), please enjoy the fact that you're reading this sh*t now and send a note condemning the dubious antecedence to the originator.

My character's hope is that the "World Court of Justice" will, upon receipt of this email edit, shut down their military branch and go back to endless hearings about Guam capsizing.