The Idiot Chronicles

The latest 'idiot' to win a chapter in those chronicles calls hisself Thomson Philip.

After reading this exchange of emails, I reckon that you'll agree he's a chapter award winner:

Dear Friend,

With due respect to your person and much sincerity of purpose . I have a business proposal which I will like to handle with you. $35 million USD is involves. But be rest assured that everything is legal and risk free as I have concluded all the arrangements and the legal papers that will back the transaction up. Kindly indicate your interest as to enable me tell you more detail of the proposal.

Waiting for your urgent response.
Yours Faithfully,
Mr. Thomson Philip,  


Is this urgent enough?  What's up with your $35 million? 

Thank you for your email, I appreciate your response. My proposal is very important to me so please I want you to take the content of this mail very seriously. All I want is an honest business transaction between us. First of all, I will start by introducing myself. My name is Mr. Thomson Philip; am from Burkina Faso but live in Cotonou Benin where am working with Eco bank Annex here in Benin;

It has been 10 years now that some greedy African Politicians used our bank to launder money overseas through the help of their Political advisers. Most of the funds which they transferred out of the shores of Africa were gold and oil money that was supposed to have been used to develop the continent. I acted as the Bank Officer to most of the politicians and when I discovered that they were using me to succeed in their greedy act; I also cleaned some of their banking records from the Bank files and no one cared to ask me because the money was too much for them to control. They laundered over $5b Dollars during the process .and i was able to divert Thirty Five Million US dollars ($35m) to an escrow account belonging to no one in the bank.The ($35) Million Dollars has been laying waste but I don't want to retire from the bank without transferring the funds to a foreign account. I only want you to assist me by providing a bank account where the fund can be transferred.

I am ready to do this transaction with you only if you will be capable and ready to keep it secret because I do not need any security problems. I want you to henceforth respond through this ID, because I do not want anybody to know what we are doing. Since you are very honest person as you seem to sound, I assure you that success in this venture is guaranteed, if only you follow my advice.

Most of those politicians are no longer in power and some are dead. There is "no security risk" because the funds do not exist in anybody's name. No one also knows about the secret of the funds except me and already, budgets have been done many times without any mention of the funds which means it can be legally transferred to any person that I legalize his/her name as the owner. The Funds can only be transferred to a Foreigner not resident in my country because I placed the funds on a 'transit escrow account' to enable me wire the funds to any part of the world when required.

I hope that you will not disappoint me when this money enters into your account; I have all my hope in this transaction because I shall soon go on retirement, I am a simple banker whose credibility is still intact and with my maturity and understanding, I promise to give the best co-operation. If you are really interested in this transaction, then we must hurry up so that our bank and government shall not claim and inherit this money because it has over-stayed. Below is the information you are to send to me which I am going to use to obtain some vital documents from the ministries in your name that will back up the claim and as soon as I get them ready, I will forward them to you with an application which you will fill and summit back to my bank as to commences with the immediate process of the transaction.

(1) Your Full name and age.

(2)Your occupation

(3)Your marital status

(4)Your full residential address

(5)Your direct phone and fax numbers.

(6)A copy of your photo scanned and sent to me by mail or your driving license.

Meanwhile I will like you to know more about myself. I am a family man with 4 children 2 girls and 2 boys. I have decided to do this deal because i have worked in this bank for years without achieving anything due to the corruption in this country. Workers’ salaries are hardly paid; the leaders are very wicked and corrupt. Even the Aids we receive from Donor countries as well as the international communities are being diverted into the private pockets of the few in authority.

Therefore while the rich are getting richer, the poor masses continue to suffer. I only have a name NOT money or any material possessions. So this is why when I saw this opportunity, I decided to capitalize on it with my position in the bank and I hope with your co-operation, success will be for us.i will give you %40 of the fund after the successful transfer to your nominated bank account.

Thank you for understanding, +22965923190.

I am waiting,

Mr. Thomson Philip;  

 

Oh...you live in Burkina Fatso?  Oh.  I can't do business in a place I can't find on a map with a person therefrom.  Can you move to Detroit?  From there I can do business with you.  

I am from Burkina Faso, but I live and work with Eco-bank international here in Benin Republic where the fund was deposited   Confirm your readiness in working with me to enable us go into the process of the deal.  I am waiting to hear from you  

 

 

Where is Benin Republic?  

Benin Republic, is a country in West Africa.  

 

 

How does that differ from Burkina Fatso?  Aren't they side by side or something like that?  

Yes, Burkina faso and Benin Republic, are Neboring country  


Ah, that explains it.  So what is it that you want of me?  I don't live anywhere near either of these places.  


yes, i know that you are not living anywhere near here, that is why i want you to help me to receive the fund into your account so that i will come over to your country with my family to stay and invest my own share of the fund


Oh...so I don't have to come over there to do any of this?  

Is not necessary that you must comedown here in my country for the deal, we can make the deal through online because I am active here in the bank to back you up with every necessary information the bank might require from you to back up direct transfer of the fund to your nominated bank account there in your country   I am waiting to hear from you  

 

 

Okay, so I don't have to come to your country to do this thing.  Thank you!  

Please go ahead and send the needed information as I require to enable us go into the process of the deal  


Upon reflection, I am actually eager to come to your country and do this business with you in person.  How would I go about that?  


It is easier that you not come here and work with me online because I am active here in the bank and can do all the modalities here  This is better way.  


Why..don't you WANT me to come?  Or even breathe hard?  


what is this please?  I am await the informations I ask you for to go into the process of the deal.  
 What this is is...questions of profoundity, and their impact on the miniscule, minute and the meek within the greater continuity of rectal gas in the Hotel Kaliforlornia, such a lovely place but you can never leave with your wallet intact.  If this is NOT the information that you seeked, maybe you should have sucked instead of seeked, and then who knows what would be stuck to your face just now.  Does this clarify what this is please?  

It apparently did...Thomson Philip no longer wants to play.

Awwww.