Kone-t Take A Joke

There is a reason for Pastor Gas to be displayed h'yar. 

Several of my characters dealt with a scam from a Sandra Kone last year (and perhaps a few times before that).  None of the scams went Kone's way.

So she -- or those portraying and practicing the scam -- decided to take a second bite at the road apple, not knowing what a road apple is.

Here's their attempt (sent by a Sandra Kamson, who is obviously not part of what follows):

Dearest ,

Compliment of the day. I am Mrs. Sandra Kone the Christan woman that
contacted you since few months ago for the transfer of my late
husband's inherited fund to you in your country. You wanted to help me
that time but at the middle of the fund transfer, you could not
continue again.I am writing to you today been with joy and happiness
in my heart because I have succeeded and I am also writing to let you
know that I am now at Zulekha Hospital India  Continent.

After we could not conclude the transfer, the bank manager later
contacted one of the bank's share holders based in India. He is a
Lebanese, an exhibitionist and his name is Mr. Ellies Sawaya, a
christian.

He came down to Ivory Coast as he was contacted by the bank manager
and finalised all the transferring procedures within few weeks and the
total fund has been transferred to his bank account information in
National bank of India. Before he took me along with him after
confirmation of the fund by his banker in India, I made a cheque for
you only for your compensation from the money I reserved and for you
to use the money to alleviate your family expences.

I was touched in my spirit to make this cheque of $450,000 in your
favour as a way to tell you thank you for all that you have done to me
and the inconveniences that I caused you that time though we could not
finalise the fund transfer. The only person that I trust that I can
give the cheque to keep for you is my pastor, because I know that he
will be willing to post the cheque to you as soon as you contact him.

His contact information is as below. I will like you to call him
immediately as soon as you read this mail and also write him for the
delivery of that cheque to you.
Name.................  Pastor Joseph  Imoh.
Phone Number..........  +225 793 582 17
E mail Address.......  pastorjosephimoh@yahoo.fr

Please call him first and demand for the cheque that I made for you.
If you cash the cheque, please use it well. Let me know also as soon
as you receive and cash the cheque. My greetings to your family.

Thanks,

Mrs. Sandra Kone.  

Now, I like refried beans and twice baked potatoes, but not a refried/twice baked scam.  I don't recall how my various characters handled this before, but I know how this one is going to now:

On Friday, February 12, 2016 2:40 AM, sandra kamson <sandrakamson70@gmail.com> wrote:

Double Dork,

Compliment of the day: twatwok.  

I am Mrs. Sandra Konehaid the islamist atheist that when crossed with a Jehovah Witness knocks on your door for no reason.  I contacted you since few months ago for the transfer of my late husband's inherited fund to you in your country that never really existed.  The fund that is, not your country, though if you elect hellary Clinton your country won't exist, either.

You said you wanted to help me that time but at the middle of the fund transfer, you started spewing strange lines from old movies and parodied lyrics from a delusional pet rock and I had to seek therapy on accounta you.

After months of expensive therapy and genital shock treatments, I had to take this scam in a different direction, so I had our acting bank manager later contacted one of the bank's share holders based in Goa. He is a Lebanese transplant from Liechtenstein, an exhibitionist and fecal impressionist who goes by the name of Mr. Barack Barry Hussein Soetero Obola, a lying sack of sh*t and all around douche nozzle.

He came down to Ivory Coast as he was contacted by the bank manager and finalised all the transferring procedures within few weeks and thus it came to pass that a long time ago, in a scam far, far away, an alliance of hamster felchers gained prominence by erecting a 20' high replica of Debbie Wasserman Schultz, which turned all living things within eye shot into pillars of petrified feces.  

I was touched by an anvil and after awaking from my coma and recovering from the Milk of Amnesia caused thereby -- during which I couldn't remember sh*t and bet you don't see what I just did there -- in my spirit of excess libations to offset having seen Madeline Albright outside of barlighting, I made up a cheque of $450,000 in your favour as a way to tell you to f**k off and die, garbage disposal breath.  The only person that I trust that I can give the cheque to keep for you is my pastor; for a generous fee, he'll give you the business, if not the cheque as soon as you contact him.

His contact information is as below. I will like you to call him immediately as soon as you read this mail and also write him for the delivery of that cheque to you.
Name.................  Pastor Joseph  Imohfraud.
Phone Number..........  +225 793 582 17 (with a phone number like this, you KNOW it and he is)
E mail Address.......  pastorjosephimoh@yahoo.fr

Please call him first and demand that he stop playing Pastor Gas videos on YouTube.  If you cash the cheque, please use it well. Let me know also as soon
as you receive and cash the cheque. My greetings to your family.

Thanks,

Mrs. Sandra Konehaid.  

 

 

Somewhat (sorta) unexpectedly, I was 'graced' with a reply from her faux rev, Joe Bob Imoh:

My Dear ,

God bless you wonderfully this day my son. I see some tremendous blessings coming your way next week. God will not sleep until your dreams in life is fulfiled. My regards to your family.

I have received your mail to me and I will like you to send to me your country house address which I will use to post the cheque to you in country house address ?

Meanwhile, I don't know if you can come over here and pick up your gift cheque or  if you can not come here, what I will do by tomorrow  morning  I will go to know the cost of the posting charges of the cheque to your  country house address and I will go to  FEDEX office and DHL offices here tomorrow  morning and as soon as I comes back from the offices I will mail you , and our general post office here are not working again, because of the recent war by non government that born down the government bulings here in this country,if not i should have post it in the general office here ok,

So, you should be remembering Mrs Sister Sandra Kone in your daily prayers, as she is taking her treatment over there  in India ok,

I have attached  the picture of myself and my wife for your view and knowledge of me and by tomorrow morning as soon as I come back  from this offices, I will scanned a copy of your cheque for your view, and the amount in that cheque is $450.000 dollars only. God bless you my son Amen.

Thanks,

Pastor Fr. Joseph Imoh.
+225 05922879

He even included a claimed picture of hisself and assumedly the Missus:

Note that he says that not only did he receive my mail to him (he just neglected to read it), but that "some tremendous blessings coming your way next week.  God will not sleep until your dreams in life is fulfilled". 

God is laughing his ass off at that, knowing full well what my dreams of life are, and knowing I'm more likely to win Power Ball than get lucky with Sandra Bullock and Taylor Swift (not necessarily in that order).

Oh well...now that I've let y'all know I have unrealistic dreams of life and make God laugh His AO...let's just say that Konet and Imoh gave up on me shortly thereafter due to circumstances within my email that they couldn't ignore as heretofore.