Be Heinz The Ate Ball

No, the post isn't about old Horseface.

But mebbe the scammer is one of his in-laws, eh?

Witness the following email from a person purporting to be Gordon Heinz:


After much consideration on this matter, I have decided to contact you, my name is Mr.
Gordon Heinz, I am looking for your consent to present you as a family to a deceased client of our Bank who died years ago without any heirs established the Bank not confiscate your deposit (US $7.5m) and return it to the Government of Benin.

Also note that the tank has an open deceased beneficiary and any foreigner can put the claim on the merits, regardless of your tribe, names and religion provided that it has secret information on the jacket of the security file of the deceased deposit which I will present to you on request by the authorities of my Bank.

I only get in touch with you as a foreigner, because these funds may not be approved to a local bank here, but can only be approved to any bank account foreign because the money is on the dollar bill and against the former deceased account owner Mr. Olmos R. Fernando is in your region also. My goal is the source of an individual honest and trustworthy to whom I can trust these funds and that it will act as trustee in waiting for my arrival in your country since my period of disconnection of service is about.

More details will be given to you as soon as you respond,  


The following edit simply couldn't wait..though it didn't help that I was bored at the time:

On Thursday, March 12, 2015 8:26 PM, Irrelevant <********@yahoo.com> edited an email from Gordon Heinz, and it wound up writ like this h'yar:

After much constipation on this matter, I have decided that I am sufficiently full of schiesse now and am ready to contact you, my name is Mr. Gordon Heinz.  I make ketchup, relish, mayo, pickled beets, all sorts of that kind of fecalities.  I am looking for your consent to present you as a family dismember that was disowned and thrice removed for farting the ISIS national anthem in pig latin some years ago; now you're needed back as a deceased client of our Bank who died years ago of Painful Bacon Genital Wrap Itch.  The death was without any heirs, save for your reprehensible self, and Molly the goat.  The Bank is not really inclined to turn over the prostate properties and such to a goat, even one named Molly with endearing eyes and a passion for horny muslim men of dubious antecedence.   This kind of leaves us with the unenviable need to sell your suckass self as the only option left for  $7.5m in Canadian $5 Spocked notes.   The Government of Benin does not aspire to live long and prosper, though a few of them occasionally love long and perspire, but I digress and TMI.

Also note that the tank that's running around in the square of the Benin capital city is not germaine...it's Russian built, and driven by a Liechtensteinian cab driver who took a wrong turn at Zurich.  His meter is running and we think we can take advantage of his waywardness while he's still lost and tearing up the streets here, since no one wants to try and stop a T-72 with a Liechtensteinian cab driver at the controls.  At any rate, should you be willing to forget how totally reprehensible and suckass you've been in the past, we can use you as any foreigner that can put the claim on the merits, regardless of your tribe, names and religion provided that it has secret information on the jacket of the security file of the deceased deposit which I will present to you on request by the authorities of my Bank.  It's in Yoruba, but with teh Gooble translator, you can make it Greek in no time.  Use the Grecian formula to smooth out the gray areas, though I wouldn't bother with the genitals, unless you're planning to streak.

Don't do that here.  We have enough problems with our national bird, the fly.

I only get in touch with you as a foreigner, because AC/DC, Motley Crue, REO Spankwagon and the Beatles refused us for a concert venue.  We could get Zugspitz and the Projectile Vomits, but no one has heard of them.  We are also in need of a local bank here that's not overrun with wildebeest crotch crickets. Mr. Olmos R. Fernando is willing to remove the crotch crickets, but we don't know what to do with what they leave behind.  My goal is to never attend another soccer game with 10,000 vuvuzela players ever again.  For that I need the source of an individual honest and trustworthy to whom I can trust not to book soccer or vuvuzela orchestras here in Benin.

 
I pretty much think that this covers all the crap my handlers telled me to have speaks with you about.  Respond soonest, because I am telled I have to sit here until you do, and crotch crickets are eating my whizzbanger as I type.  Respond soonest, please.  

 

 

Amusingly, this drew a response from Heinz, though not one apparently intended for my character; it was addressed to a "Tessa Johnson", and basically repeated his original drivel.  So my character merely repeated back the above.

 

I don't think I'll be ketchingup on anything further from Heinz....