Sunday, November 16, 2014

Email Says I'm Daid

On some mornings and at painful moments in life, I can be made to believe it.

This email wasn't one of them.

Here's how I initially received the email in late October:

"Nouvel événementRe,urgent reply from Mr. Ruben W. Moussa"


Thursday, 23 October 2014
09:30 PM to 10:30 PM
(GMT) Greenwich Mean Time - Dublin / Edinburgh / Lisbon / London

Good day to you and your family. I am ( Mr. Ruben W. Moussa ) the Inspector General of The Police National BENIN(PN). We received a letter this morning from the Central Bank of Nigeria and the US Treasury Department informing our office that you sent Mr. Allen Smith and Mrs. Cynthia Edward from Canada. These individuals claim to be your representatives, they presented a DEATH CERTIFICATE on your behalf stating that, you are DEAD and before you passed away you instructed them to come and claim your COMPENSATION fund for you, as the rightful beneficiary. udemezugo is typing... udemezugo: elow is the account details which they provided and instructed the Bank to transfer your compensation fund valued US$4,500,000.00. Bank Name: BANK OF AMERICA (BOA) Bank Address: 2075 S. Victoria Ave Ventura, CA 93003 Account Name: Mr. Allen Smith. Type: Checking ABA # 322271627 Acct # 1951204345 Amount: US$4,500,000.00 If you did not send them, you are required to provide us with the below information (for official verification) via 1. Your Full Name; 2. Your Age and Occupation; 3. Marital Status; 4. Direct Telephone/Fax Number; 5. Home and Office Address: As soon as we receive the requested information from you, we are going to forward it to the Bank where you will be directed for your fund to be released to you. This is in line with the latest Presidential release as a result of numerous petitions by International Comity/United Nations/ European Union/ Federal Bureau of Investigation/ Homeland Security etc on how people are hiding here (in Benin ) to perpetrate this evil act and rubbishing the image of our dear country. Regards Mr. Ruben W. Moussa I.G, Police Nationale (PN) Interpol Financial Crimes Dept INTERPOL + 229-6687 0826   

I didn't get around to replying to it straight away, and subsequently three days later -- one day after October 23 -- I received the same email, with big red letters saying "CANCELLED" at the top.

Hecky darn poo.  I died.  Fancy that.

Well, I know in the eyes of a long time dear friend that's apparently true, but that's a sadder matter.

So I decided to use that small, medium or large from across the Astral Bridge, and answer him anyway, cancelled or not.

It's only good manners, of corpse:

Let me get down to the specifics of this cancellation.  This h'yar sez that two Canadians have listed me as daid.  And they have the document to prove it.
In an aside, in the eyes of a long time dear friend it is apparently true that I am that; so I reckon it's true.
I'm daid.  Deader than a can of corned beef. 
That's pretty forking daid.  Count on it.
So how am I replying to you, says you to yourself, though not too loudly because they lock people up what talks to themselves where you is? 
Easy:  the daid can talk to the living.  The Daidocrapic National Committee does it all the time, via their chairpoison, Daiddie Wasserproblem Schultz.
But there are other ways:  through instrumental transcommunication or ITC...we of the Daid can speak to you of the LIVE by way of various forms of technical apparatus via the Astral Bridge from Lotsa Nowheres -- though some of them are pretty nice places actually -- and we can do it when you th'yah in the physical world make a connection with us h'yah in the spirit woild. 
You dun did that.  And you didn't need a Ouija board, witch doctor or ooga booga spell.  It was just bad joo joo.
Eat real food instead of your elephant-trampled path kill neighbor next time.

Now, far as the fungibles you're writing about, we h'yah in the 3rd Astral Plane don't need no stinking fungibles; here the West African franc -- fit for wiping your bum -- and the Euro are on equal footing.  Not worth squat.
But on the physical plane -- th'yah where you is -- certain negotiable currencies holds a degree of legitimacy. 
If I had any a dat, and you wants dat, you can has dat.
We okay fine now?  
Ruben Moussa didn't find this response as humerus as I sorta did:
this not funny  
I agree that part of it wasn't...the rest was meant to make me forget the part that wasn't.  It didn't work for you?  
I'll never know, 'cuz Ruben don't like talking to the daid....


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Blogger Sandee said...

I disagree with Ruben, I think this is very funny.

Have a fabulous day. My best to Seymour. :)

16 November, 2014 10:13  
Anonymous Debbie said...

Most humerus!

Right Truth

17 November, 2014 14:41  

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