Seymour Strikes Again
Rather than suffer a pouting pet rock, I found the perfect email that'd been routed to the spam file, and unleashed Seymour on it.
The format's been around for years..a dying widow with money to donate...uh huh.
Here's the email from herself:
Dearest One in Christ,
With Due Respect And Humanity,Let me first of all inform you, I got your email address from a mail Directory and decided to mail you for a permission to go ahead.
I am Mrs.Shukria Bajalan from Switzerland. I am married to Mr.Tom Bajalan who worked with a construction company in Asia for twenty Years before he died in the tsunami disasters, we were married but without Any children.
Since his death I decided not to re-marry. I deposited the sum of four million five hundred thousand united states dollars($4.5million) with the Bicici bank Abidjan Cote D' Ivoire. And now i am willing to donate this sum of $4.5million to the less privilegeds and to contribute to development of church in Africa, America, Asia, and Europoe.
My late husband was a very wealthy and after his death, I inherited all his business and wealth, Presently this money is still with the bank and the management just Wrote me as the beneficiary to co me f orward to receive the money or rather Issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf If I cannot come over.
I am presently in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment Cancer of the lungs in a hospital , I have since lost my ability To talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months to Live. Please i want you to note that this money is lying in the Bank in Abidjan Cote D' Ivoire
I want a person that is trustworthy that will utilize 90% of this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around the world but in my name Shukria Bajalan "As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank.I will als o issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as The new beneficiary of this fund.
Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein and Keep this contact confidential till such a time this funds get to your Custody,this is to ensure that nothing jeopardizes my l ast wish on Earth.
I will say that I think Seymour was on his game with this edit:
With No Respect And all of the grace of a cocklebur vaginal insert, let me first of all inform you I got your email address from a Nigerian water fowl sodomizer named Ogun, and decided to mail you because the Coke bottle oracle we also use for a dildo told me to.
I am Mrs.Shukria Bajalan from Switzerland. Don't let the name fool you; I am Swiss and was born in Newark, New Jersey. You can ignore that because it doesn't make any more sense than what follows. I am married to Mr.Tom Bajalan, from Dubai, who worked with a construction company in the Sahara Desert for twenty Years before he died in the tsunami disasters when the world's biggest camel herd all farted at once, and the sand tsunami wiped out everything from south of Benghazi to the Qattara Depression.
Since his death I decided not to have my genitals rebushed after serving as a comfort wench to the 1st Independent ISIS Brigade's camel herd. I deposited the sum of four million five hundred thousand West African francs -- worth about anywhere else in the world a roll of toilet paper -- with the Bicici bank Abidjan Cote D' Ivoire. And now i am willing to donate this roll of toilet paper to the less privilegeds, because they'll have no idea what to do with it and will probably have local primates stringing it through the trees in the nearby jungle. Primates are like that.
My late husband was a very perverted sot and after his death, I inherited all of his equally perverted goats. Do you know what it's like to go out to the pen to feed them, and they back toward you bleating "yahhhhh..yahhhhhh"? Presently the goats remain in their pen, though they're getting pretty restive 'cuz no one's been butt boinking them lately and they're getting rather surly.
I am presently in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for crotch crickets of the cervix. Don't ask me, I'm just writing what the template here says to. I have since lost my ability To queef and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months before all of my genital hardware is hanging around my ankles. Please i want you to note that this condition should not prevent you from thinking of me as a weekend quickee, iffen you're ever over here.
I want a person that is incapable of spelling widgetarygastrointestinalpurpitude without a spell checker, and will be blasphemous with churches, orphanages, widows, Yugos, motorcycle exhaust pipes and The Clapper, both at home and around the world while using my name Shukria Bajalan. I want my fifteen minutes to be weirder than that of the Kardashians.
Please assure me that you will act sexually with accordians and Keep this confidential till such a time that the accordion owners have found you out, so that nothing jeopardizes my last wish on Earth, which is to have a guest shot on South Park.