When Scammers Don't Read
It could be perhaps as lonely a task as that experienced by the old Maytag repairman.
And I'm sure that, when they DO get a response, they practically wet themselves in joy, thinking "kaCHING, we gots us a mugu!".
Perhaps maybe they should take a moment to read the reply.
Online loan scams are plentiful. About a dime a dozen, not that a dime is worth much these days. I got one that at first glance looked somewhat professionally put together. Then -- unlike my scammers -- I bothered to read it.
Here it is, verbatim:
Every since the economy has hit an all time low, with unemployment rates skyrocketing and the average pay rate not being increased, many American families have fallen on hard times. It is becoming harder and harder for good, honest, and hard working people to make a living and more often than not are living paycheck to paycheck. Because of this ongoing trend, many families have reached out for help in the form of an urgent loan.What is an urgent loan?An urgent loan is a basic type of loan that is typically used only in cases of emergences when it became a necessity to reach out for additional funds to help you make it to your next paycheck. Most families take out an urgent loan in certain strenuous situations for necessary items needed to keep a good quality of life. Situations such as nut not limited to: rent, grocery shopping, paying car insurance, or a child’s private school, etc are valid reasons for American families to purse this type of loan.Apply now for an Urgent LoanHow do I get an Urgent Loan?Urgent loans are granted by various specialized lenders. These lenders base your urgent loan approval on the type of personal situation you have founded yourself in through no fault of your own, as well as the severity of the circumstances that have befallen on you and your loved ones. Many people who reach out for this type of help are more often than not to be good hardworking people that have just fallen on bad times and due to the state of the United States economy. An urgent loan is the perfect type of loan for people who have unfortunately been let go from their jobs and need extra money to make up the loss of their initial income until they get back on their feet.Unfortunately, it is especially hard for many people to find a lender that specializes in this specific category of loans. But here at Loans for Emergiences, we can find you an urgent loan and get you the money you need to help you in your financial situation. Helping you get back where you feel financially secure is our goal!If you have fallen on hard financial times and need money now APPLY today and get the urgent loan you need!Our Contact Email firstname.lastname@example.org
If you read it, you see what I mean.
So naturally, I edited it and sent it back to the sender, and about 50 of his peers and colleagues. It went back looking like this:
Dear InValid Applican't
Compliments and financial butt polyps to you. Thanks for not reading closely our previously edited email scam solicitation, and despite it choosing Danged Goat Can't Trust Incestment Company to aid and put a stop to your financial status, making whatever it was, worse. We Offer all kinds of scam loan packages (Personal Loan, Commercial Loans, Sex change loans...hell, we'll over anything since we're not going to actually send you anything) made to provide you with nothing tangible, and meant to give us your money, such as you have available. To commence the scam process, you can find some useless and totally made-up information about the scam loan we offer below. In getting screwed over by our company, there is some information we need you to overlook before we can proceed to the sodomize your bank account process.
In the scam we offer, we do charge 300%, compounded quarterly, for the loan. Note that once you've paid our initial fees, the 300% compounded quarterly won't hurt so much.
As for the information needed, you will need to fill an application which contains your personal information and also the loan information, this will help us give you and your bank account a full sodomized experience.
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO HAVE YOUR GETTING BUTTBOINKED BY US APPROVED?
After receiving your application form, and as soon as we receive your fee payment, the fiscal butt boinking of you and your bank account starts as fast as we can drain it.
HOW DO I GET SCREWED?
Please fill this application Form below:
SCAM LOAN APPLICATION FORM
Full Name (no fake names, please; that's our rice bowl)*
Monthly Income (we want to know what we can pillage)*
(Not that we care but) Age*
(This do matter) Do You Have An Account? *
Scam Loan Amount Needed *
(Not that it matters but) Scam Loan Duration *
(Not that it matters but) Purpose of Loan *
Applicant(s) Statement I/We have completed this request for credit in consideration of Danged Goat Can't Trust Incestment Co. lending to me and/or others upon my guarantee, and without having closely read this sh** beforehand. I/We certify that all information contained herein is accurate and complete to the best of my knowledge, equal to the certification from Danged Goat Can't Trust Incestment Co that they actually haven't got a plug nickel to lend a door knob.
Thanks for your time and lack of understanding, CUSTOMER'S SATISFACTION IS IMMATERIAL TO US ONCE WE HAVE YOUR FEE PAYMENT.
Dagote Alico, a goat sodomizing immigrant of dubious antecedence and facial butt polyps
what is meaned by this?
"what is meaned by this?"...here's another one that should never stray from his template:
What do you mean, "what is meaned by this"? I merely returned to you what you sended to me. You wrote it, right? What did you meaned by this?
His next response is funny:
Are you a scam?
A fair question that begets a comparable response:
What follows now is absolutely hilarious:
Do tell. What it depends on will determine if we can partner or not.
But will you work with me? i mean when i pretend to be in USA my victim client will believe to send upfront payment to there because they did no longer trust Nigeria fake lender so you will be receiving the western union money through the mean you will be given me my share, and again you will be directing more client to me through the use of USA IP REMOTE. I don't depend on any thing but where did you live i mean your country.
I decide to let him stew a tad with tis parting shot:
I must think on your proposal. Of course the money would make sense that it flow through me, since I am in the USA and you are not. You would have to trust me to make an agreement on dividing up the proceeds, and then count on me keeping that agreement to send you your cut of the acquired proceeds. I must leave for now, but I will be back on here at this time Monday. You think about this and let me know if you agree that the money must flow to me, with me then sending you your percentage. If you agree, we'll talk more tomorrow.
PLEASE KINDLY REPLY BACK TO FINISH THE DISCUSSION. WELL THERE IS NO WAY THE MONEY CAN FLOW THROUGH ME BEFORE BACAUSE I HAVE TOLD YOU EARLIER THAT YOU WILL BE THE ONE RECEIVING THE MONEY ONLY WHAT I WILL BE DOING IS JUST TO BE PRETENDING IF THEY WANT TO CONFIRM WITH A PHONE CALL YOU WILL BE THE ONE RECEIVING THE CALL IF THEY WANT TO SEND UPFRONT FEE TO ME YOU KNOW I HAVE ALREADY TOLD THEM THAT I AM IN USA THE MONEY WILL BE FLOWING TO YOU WITH YOU DIVIDING THE MONEY AND TRANSFER MINE TO ME IN NIGERIA. BEFORE WE MOVE ON WITH THIS SCAMMING BUSINESS I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU ARE CONFIDENCE ENOUGH.
The Fake Loan / Investment Scam (a 419 Advance Fee Fraud).
Be warned, they promise millions but first you have to pay. I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THE LINE OF BUSINESS.
I am fully aware of how all this works. All that matters to me is that you agree to the money funneling through me, and that you trust you'll get your percentage. Let me know about that on Monday.
It's Monday, and I have not one, but two emails from DangedGoat:
I think I've stumbled on the motherlode of douche nozzled, goat-poking egg-sucking scammers here. Though I give him credit: he's admitting what Nigeria is.
I'll have to find a way to send him a gold star for that ;-)
Without hesitation, Dangoat declares us partners, and he immediately advises my character that we have a 'client' in Peru, and that "Jack" is in the game as follows:
Jack, we must move fast now with a client in Peru.
I have provide a nascent mass market financial advisor to provide an idea of assurance that you want, to have much confidence that your loan must be transfer to you if any payment is made by you under the contract so my Advisor Agent in USA will Contact you through email and phone call with the below information.
Name: Jack N. Ewehoff,
Phone Number: 303-***-****
I want you to have the faith that My brilliant business partner, Jack N. Ewehoff, and I is ready to help. We are now providing our vast knowledge, contacts and experience building and deploying solutions within this exciting space to help you navigate the minefields and get your Loan Ready to be transfer quickly.
However regarding the transfer fee of $1,500.00 for the purpose of your registration in accordance with the law, you are going to make the fee completely to our head office in USA to have a proper monitor and give you much evidence to prove that you achieved the required scores so we look forward to helping this wonderful industry succeed as it embraces the new digital age.
Thank you for your comments and only requires that you know me further explanation about what I write.
Is knowing that your Financial Advisor Dr. Jack N. Ewehoff, would contact me to see everything that concerns the payments of money required for the loan to be made to my destination for the Project ?.
Is the transfer rate on the $ 1,500, will be made only when funds and have in my bank account and verified
These clarifications are required on your part.
Rest assured that if you make my project a reality, you will always be very Thankful in my daily prayers and your name will be present.
I hope your comments to my questions.
ALBERTO FAILURE MOSCOL
Thus and it was that later that same day, Jack gets an email from the intended victim:
Saludos Estimado Dr. Jack N. Ewehoff,
If received Dear Dr. Alico Dangote, where it was said that you would give me your help to get the project financing for CNG Buses mail.
Mail is attached.
Please give me details on what steps to take.
I'll be waiting for your pleasing answers
Jack was ever so happy to reply to Alberto, without BCCing Dangoat:
Dangote Alicio is NOT the CEO of a legitimate online loan firm. He is a Nigerian 419 email scammer, and is attempting to rip you off of $1500. He stupidly believes me to be his partner in this endeavor...because he is a dishonest moron who doesn't read very well.
If you would like to have some fun with him, I will be happy to tell him that you have agreed to his loan requirements and are going to pay the $1500 to me by the early part of next week. Then we'll screw with him over the money...instead of him screwing you out of $1500.
Or, if you would prefer to believe that he is genuine and isn't trying to cheat you, you may expose me to him and let him know that I am not working with him in his scam as he has fooled himself into believing.
But my advice to you, sir, is NOT to be taken in by ANY online loan companies that contact you via unsolicited email...99.9% of them are scams, and if they originate in Nigeria, make that 100%.
Jack N. Ewehoff (not my real name, but Dangote doesn't know that)
Of course, sent to him Gooblized in espanol. Meantime, a quick note to Dangoat:
I have been contacted by Senor Alberto Moscol, and I believe that I have been thoroughly convincing in leading him to believe that your loan company is the answer to his fiscal prayers, not unlike a locust epidemic. I confidently anticipate a positive response from him soonest. When I have it, I will let you have it.
Dangoat is, of course, annoyed with me not forwarding him the emails:
Thank you for your comments and if I am attentive to any mails from people who say they want to give financial and project loans.
It is not the first, I always get and what they want is that they sent money in advance, which I do not accept at all those who always tell me that the loan was to send me within 24 hours, which is a lie because when money comes from another country always delayed more than 3 days.
From what I can I communicate and I attach the mail sent to me by Dr. Dangote, has said that you have already dealt with above and treat him like a big brother.
Well these things have always and unfortunately you do not know who you are dealing, as I always write them and tell them that if they are true, I would have to prove and only will that are 100% real Cunado loan funds are already in my bank account PERU, if not that's impossible I request advance money, which will not accept.
Dear anyway am very Thankful for his statement.
I'm looking for any financier who wants to be present in my project to realize, but always with the warning that if I requested advance money is not accepted.
Esteemed Mr. Alberto Falla Moscol,
I take in that in reading your reply, you understand how the online loan scam out of Nigeria works, and that you will not fall for it. This is very good and I am glad to be able to prevent you from becoming a scam victim of a nefarious Nigerian.
To keep up appearances, I have written back to Dangote and led him to believe that you are fully on board with his loan and the fee payment, and that he can expect that you'll wire me the fee payment next week. I intend to let him continue to believe that you have been fooled until that point.
I wish the very best to you and your family, and I wish you to live happy and prosper. And should you ever receive future online loan email offers, don't hesitate to forward them to me to examine, if you have concerns. I will be happy to let you know if they are a scam. But I do tell you in all honesty, if the email comes from Nigeria, or any of the countries of West Africa, you can count on it being a scam.
Meanwhile, that waskily hombre Jack edited Alberto's reply to him, and forwarded it to Dangoat, in Spanish, basically saying this:
Dangoat, I have great news! Read your client's reply to our communications. Sounds like we're on for next week with a fee payment!
Greetings Dear Dr. Jack N. Ewehoff,
I am very grateful for your prompt response and am very happy to read your words. It gives me great comfort to know that I found you and your delegate a loan company where I can put my trust and count on you to give me a good level of business advisor.
I'm happy with the costs you quoted me in exchange for the generous loan conditions, and I will be able to meet their requirements fees by Wednesday, September 11, one week from now.
I, when I send the confirmation email transfer fee via Western Union also will send you details of how your business is to connect the loan funds to my bank.
Thank you for your excellent professionalism and punctuality, and thank your CEO by his grace gives me the business too.
Your Friend "
I...er, Jack...is such a sh**.
Now as it would turn out, Alberto Moscol is apparently not as smart as my character thought; he actually forwarded to Dangoat a copy of my warning email to Alberto. Which drew the funniest response yet from Dangoat. First he sent me a copy of what Alberto forwarded to him (my first warning letter to Alberto); then Dangoat added this:
YOU F**K ME OFF! I AM SO CONFUSES PLEASE COMPOSE A MAIL FOR ME?
I think I am dealing with a psycho-ceramic Nigerian:
What kind of mail would you wish me to decompose for you?
What comes next is about as good:
I WORK LONG ON THIS AND YOU MAKE THE CLIENT NOT TO TRUST ME. I TRUST YOU AND YOU MAKE ME THE FOOL. YOU OWE ME FOR THIS. PLEASE SEND ME $500 AND I PROMISE I NEVER TRY DO THIS AGAIN.
You're not heeding the wisdom of the zen master, laddie. Do you know what credibility is? It's something you ain't got. I no more owe you anything than did your client and intended victim did. Let's be clear: the zen philosopher Butthook postulated that "if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, swims like a duck and flies like a duck, you can rest assured it isn't a Yugo". Your intended ducks are not going to put it on their bill, or get you a Yugo. Get it?
WHAT THIS ALL MEAN?
It means that that loud *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* at the end of a basketball game signifies that it's all over. That same *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* has sounded for your game.
Now comes what passes for a bit of worldly wisdom from a butt hurt scammer:
YOU WILL KNOW HELL FIRE FOR WHAT YOU DO. YOU ARE NOT A GOOD MAN. GOD WILL GET YOU.
From your point of view, you're right. From mine, God is both face palming and laughing at you at the same time. He sees that you don't get it, either. Which in the end is how this should have ended...you not getting it...either the ill-gotten gains OR the lesson. Do you have anything else to pout about before we wrap this up? I'm due for a healthy bowel movement.