Monday, September 29, 2014

It's All In The Execution

The best laid plans are fine.  What separates them from success is the execution.  Something my character made the focal point of this latest scambait.

A friend received this, and rather than poopcan it like any reasoned, rational person, she did one better:  she thought of me.

I'm not sure how I should take that.

But I did take this.  And here's how it went.  We'll start by meeting Jim McCullar, or a Third World piss poor facsimile of same.  And meet his opening scambit:

Dear Friend, 

I am Mr Jim McCullar I am a native of Idaho, United State Of America, Carolyn my wife and I have decided to make sure this is put on the internet for the world to see as you could see from the web page sent to you in our first mail, I may not know you, but I believe if you receive my first email and respond back meaning you were chosen by God to receive my donation of [$2,000,000.00 USD] you must be a God fearing individual, I am a Christian and I believe that Good things happens to good people like you who had the mind to respond back to my mail.
 I am Mr Jim McCullar the mega winner of $190 Million Dollars Jackpot in Washington, WATCH US NOW:
You see after taken care of the needs of our immediate family members, we decided to donate the remaining of the fund to other individuals around the world in need, the local fire department, the Red Cross, Haiti, hospitals and some other organizations in Asia and Europe that fight cancer, I would love to introduce my self more and also show you picture of me and my family but firstly I want to hear from you if my gift of [$2,000,000.00 USD] is accepted by you before I proceed. Send me the below details to show that you accept my gift.

PHONE NUMBER:....         
Thank you for accepting our offer, we are indeed grateful We anticipate your earliest response.   

 I select my alter-Igor -- Jack N. Ewehoff -- to be the lucky respondent and he does so.  To Jim McCullar's almost glee.

It must be pretty slow around that particular fly-infested internet café.

Anyway, from Jim I move on to being contacted by Jim's bank, the Hsbc Bank in the UK.  And here's how that began:


Registered in England.
Registered No: 1026167Q
Registered Office:
Canada Square LONDON, ENG E14 5HQ United Kingdom

Dear Esteemed Customer: Jack N. Ewehoff,

Compliment of the day to you from HSBC Holdings Plc, United Kingdom. Britain finest and concise online banking institution with a global perspective. Our unique service trend in the European and world market speaks volume of how we hold our greatest assets (customers) in high regards.Our affiliation with the Santander group makes us a leading financial stronghold. There are a whole lot of services and products that we offer which in the long run is a far higher edge than our contemporaries in the financial market, this is why even in the face of the current financial distress pervading world market we are way ahead and still waxing stronger in financial circles.
We have confirm the instructions from the Mr Jim McCullar, instructing us to immediately open an online temporal debit account in your name; and transfer your approved grant funds of $2,000,000USD = £1,289,158.18 GBP from their personal foundation account to you via permission within the next Three (3) working days from the Cheque that was submitted to us, Our on-line temporal account opening will enable us to immediately make any further transfer of your payment funds to your designated personal bank account in your country.

As a Non-Resident of the UNITED KINGDOM, you are required to set up a Non-Resident Online/Offshore account with our Bank. This online/offshore account will be set up in your name by our Bank HSBC Holdings Plc.) As soon as you meet up to our corporate policy, you will have your account setup.

New Customer applying for Online Account & Transfer Fill and Return the below Manual Account Opening Form.

Manual Account Opening Form
Reference: International Application ID no:
Do you want an account with HSBC BANK:
First Name:
Last Name:
Date of Birth:
Office Tel:
Account type:
Initial Deposit of Account:
Date of payment:
NEW CUSTOMER COMPLETE REG: ****************************************************************************
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Read the below carefully before attempting to fill out the Account you would want us to open for you
All account types requires an initial deposit by customers before account can be setup, Note this deposit is the cash needed to setup your account and will be deposited into your newly setup account after it has been opened by the HSBC HOLDINGS PLC.
Please kindly read the below account and select your affordable account choice with initial deposit.
1. PERSONAL ACCOUNT: This type of account requires a minimum initial deposit of £448.00 GBP equivalent to $670.00 USD (Six Hundred And Seventy USD), this amount is required to set-up your new account to a fully operational account. The maximum transfer possible within a month with this Account is £7,000,000.00 (Seven million pounds) within one month or the equivalent amount in another currency; and with this account you can apply for a gold membership credit card after a good business relationship of one year minimum.

2. CORPORATE ACCOUNT: This is a daily business account and the initial opening deposit is £501.00 GBP equivalent to $750.00 USD (Seven Hundred and Fifty USD) this amount is required to set-up your new account to a fully operational account. The maximum transfer possible within a month with this Account is £15,000,000.00 (Fifteen million pounds) or the equivalent amount in another currency; and with this account you can apply for a gold membership credit card after a good business relationship of five months minimum.

3. PLATINUM ACCOUNT: This is a daily personal and business account and the initial opening deposit is £568.739 GBP equivalent to $850.00 USD (Eight Hundred And Fifty USD) this amount is required is to set-up your new account to a fully operational account. The maximum transfer possible within a month is unlimited; and with this account you can apply for a gold membership credit card after a good business relationship of three months minimum.
Please Note: That your funds is protected by a hardcover insurance policy, which makes it impossible to deduct any amount from the funds in bank draft before its been remitted to you. This means that the above charges for opening an account cannot be deducted from the funds and hence must be provided by you before your funds can take effect for transfer. You are strictly advice to choose an account type listed above and we shall instruct you to make the payment upon the opening balance kindly fill and return the online account form below. This amount is refundable upon request if you decide to close your account. As soon as your account is set up, you will have an account number and an access code with which you can access your account through our online facilities from your home which will also enable you check your account balance and also make transfer to any account in the world.
On receipt of the information, you shall be educated on the process mastered to facilitate this transaction in the earliest. For more info please call +(44) 702-4071-228

Thank you for your patronage.
+(44) 702-4071-228
+(44) 741-8378-178
Hsbc Bank Plc 
Registered in England.

Registered No: 1026167Q

Registered Office:Canada Square LONDON, ENG E14 5HQ United Kingdom.  
Naturally, Jack is quick to comply with the information requested, knowing that eventually, what it's going to cost Jack to open the account to (not) get the money promised, will be communicated.   And that comes shortly thereafter, with Jack -- of course -- choosing the Platinum Account option, which requires that Jack send to the upcoming designee $850 USD:
Dear Valued Customer: Jack N. Ewehoff,
Thanks for getting back to us, without much ado, you are to be notified on brief that the services we are to render to you are in accordance with the WORLD BANK. You must be fully aware that you are to read carefully to your understanding.

The PLATINUM  ACCOUNT OPENING (P.A.O) is to be paid before we can activate an account for you, before you will be able to transfer your sum funds into your domestic bank account in Central City  CO, USA. Because your $2,000.000.00 USD is covered with an insurance cover separately BONDED, NON- DIVISIBLE, NON -NEGOTIABLE, that is why we cannot be allowed to make any deductions from it. It is also separately authenticated and cannot be deducted until it is fully transferred to you to avoid terrorism.
Be assured that in line with our principles of efficiency, transparency and customer satisfaction, we will handle all transfer operations with the highest level of professionalism and discretion to ensure you receive your $2,000.000.00 USD within the shortest possible time. You will only have to follow instructions as stated above and accordingly as all procedures are meant to protect clients and to avoid cases of misappropriation and mishandling of your fund.
After reading this message, and know how much you are to pay to enable us activate an account with your details you have provided, you are to go straight to any 'WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM' close to you and effect the payment of $850.00 USD to enable us activate the account in the next 2 hours.
Here is the information you are to go with to Western Union or Money Gram and effect the payment.
RECEIVER'S NAME : Mrs Teresa Peralez
RECEIVER'S COUNTRY: United States of America.
After you have made the payment for the PLATINUM ACCOUNT ACTIVATION, Western Union/Money Gram will issue you the payment slip and you are required to send us the below information from the payment slip to this office for confirmation.
As soon as your PLATINUM ACCOUNT ACTIVATION FEE is been confirmed by our account officer there in USA, we shall Commence with the opening of the account to enable you transfer your funds without any form of delay. Have it in mind that your $2,000.000.00 USD will get to you without any delay, we the HSBC BANK have faith and confident, so we shall abide to the rules of our services. 
Thank you for your patronage. 
Isn't it nice of them to be worried about things like terrorism and such?  Scammers worried about terrorism.  Ya gotta love it.
Jack also likes the touch of having the money look like it's being sent to someone in the US.  I'm sure that a bank in the UK requires fees be paid to someone in New Mexico every day.
In Scamland.
Well, while casting about for how to spring the *SPROING* that Jack and his compatriots find a way to spring, I was listening to the news....and thereon it spoke of Missouri having executed another scumbag of society.
*TOING*  Jack found his *SPROING*, and began to work it into all of his responses.  For instance to Antonio Simoes -- who I call "Schmoe" without him apparently noticing -- goes this:
I thank you for this very detailed instruction.  Let me assure you that I have read well the contents therein, and am prepared to execute them to the last letter, and as soon as possible.  
This gets Jim/Hsbc/Schmoe all atwitter with anticipation:
Hello my beloved Jack, please see below is the email i have received from the bank as they await you to respond to them on time to enable them proceed with the platinum account opening.
God Bless,  
I expect that blessing to go south very soonest.

Now we get down to what Rooster Cogburn referred to as "the rat killing", and here's how it played:
Thanks for getting back to us, without much ado, you are to inform us on the exact time you are to effect the payment for the PLATINUM ACCOUNT  opening, to enable us get set on activating the account soon as we have confirmed your payment by tomorrow Thursday as you have stated in your previous email.  

Not to worry sir.  The transfer will be executed by me on Thursday.  I shall advise you upon completion of that execution.  
And on that appointed Thursday morning, Jack dispatches this:
The transfer has been executed as I promised.  
Hello Mr Jack, please you are to revert back to us with the payment details to enable us confirm your payment before we can be able to proceed with your account activation.




Immediately we have receive this informations from you will quickly confirm it and start the processing of your Platinum Account for you to complete your transfer.

Antonio Simoes.  

 Revert what?  Revert this:  I have executed your instructions to the last letter.  Let's now get this show on the road. 
My beloved Jack, to my understanding, it is very necessary that you provide the payment confirmations to the bank for their own observations. This is what Mr Simoes is requesting from you before they can complete their service to you with immediate effect.  Quickly attend to them so that they will proceed on time, and also do send me the payment details for my own witness.

God Bless,
Rest assured Jim that I have executed their instructions to the letter.  
  Hello Mr Jack, please you are to revert back to us with the payment details to enable us confirm your payment before we can be able to proceed with your account activation.  We are not understand the delay.   
 As I told you, I have executed your instructions to the last letter.  I would think this would be clear.  The execution was in no way delayed.  It is done.   
Dear Esteemed Customer: Jack, 
I am not sure I understand your meaning sir, please explain what you mean?  
I realize that I'm not being clear here:  I have executed Antonio's instructions to the last letter.  I had them shot at dawn.  Now, shooting instructions to the last letter might sound a bit crass...but there are so many forms of execution of instructions that I simply had to make a reasoned, rational choice soonest.  Hanging your instructions was so 19th Century.  Beheading your instructions has been made unpopular by those isis douche nozzles.  Electrocuting your instructions adds to my utility bill...not an option.  There were some medieval methods I could have used, but I don't have any of those devices at my disposal.  So I felt that a firing squad for your instructions was truly the least expensive, most humane way to go.  Lethal injection, as you might know, has not worked so well lately...I didn't want your instructions left flopping around like a carp on a hot sidewalk. 

Now that we're clear here, when do I get my money?  Mr. Jim seems really adamant about me getting it.  Probably moreso now than heretofore.  My friend still wants her nails done.  
This draws nothing further from Schmoe; from Jimbo Jack got a reply with no text.  Jack suspects that someone's pretty butt hurt here:
Gee, you guys sure went silent in a hurry.  Jimmah, what good is an empty email?  It's like S. Z. Sakall saying "der goes an empty horse hmpf!".  Did I hurt your feewings?  
Sadly, that was the last I would hear from Jimbo, Schmoe and Hsbc bank.  My friend will apparently have to pay for her own nails....


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Blogger Sandee said...

Well, he's probably afraid of you. Bwahahahahahaha. I mean you did execute that poor fellow as instructed.

Have a fabulous day. My best to Seymour. ☺

29 September, 2014 10:30  

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