Another Jackwagon Off to Namby Pamby Land

I loved that commercial.  And years later, the memory of it comes in handy, kinda.

R. Lee Ermey would have loved this jackwagon, too.

A friend of mine and former USMC MP, received this email from...well, you read it and we'll go from there:


I am Sgt Jason Campbell US Army serving in Afghanistan for peace  keeping I found your contact detail in a address journal am seeking your  assistance to evacuate the sum of $20,000,000.00 to you as long as I am
assured that it will be safe in your care until I complete my service here
in Afghanistan. This is not stolen money and there are no dangers
involved. I count on your understanding. Contact me Via my email ;
Sgt Jason Campbell
Email: sgtjason272@gmail.com  


She immediately thought of me -- I think in a good way -- and forwarded it here.  I turned it over to my trusty character, Jack N. Ewehoff:

I am most interested in hearing more. 

Jack  

 

 

I probably should have renamed my character Jack N. Wagon for this one, but eh...

 

After a couple of preliminary email exchanges, "Sarge" got down to the mamby pamby:

 

 

Dear: Jack N. Ewehoff  

Thanks for your immediate update the content of your email was well Noted, I got your Full Contact Information which you sent to me. I will want you to rest assure on me  that  this transaction is absolutely risk free. I am a Legitimate Honest American Military Officer Serving in Afghanistan, I only needed a Trust Worthy Person that would help me out with this transaction. 

 

I will want to informed you that the Said  Funds   was safely keep in a Consignment by me and been Deposited with  a (Security Company in U.A.E ) for security Reason since  Dubai is very  Close  Country to Afghanistan  I was able to Deposit the funds in  Afghanistan  with our private military Jet, Now that I have appoint you as my Trust beneficiary you we be required to contact the Diplomatic Company by Email or Telephone for the delivery of the consignment to  your Resident Contact address.

HERE IS THE CONTACT OF THE SECURITY COMPANY

 

PACIFIC OCEAN SECURITY  COMPANY, AJMAN   U.A.E DUBAI

DELIVERY OF CONSIGNMENT WORLD WIDE.

CONTACT PERSON: MS HALIMAT JIBRI , CSU

TEL:   +971528398772

Email: pacific_ocean1@hotmail.com

       pacific_ocean1@hotmail.com

Note that the Security Company did not know the content inside the  Consignment because the consignment was kept under their Custody by me  Sgt Jason Campbell for security reason and that unknown account must you Disclose the content of the consignment to the  security company 

Please Kindly Inform the security company that you  are expecting a Consignment From Sgt Jason Campbell and that You want the Consignment to be Deliver to Your Resident Contact Address in Your Country.

I have Attached the Scan Copy of My Military Identity Card and my Citation Award that was Given to my in Duty of Service in Afghanistan download the Document and keep the for reference Purpose. 

 Please kindly get back to me immediate  

 

 

This is the point that R. Lee Ermey would be outstanding at:  addressing a "sergeant' who calls himself a "military officer".   I'll bet he'd have something better than "jackwagon" to call this douche nozzle.  But I digress and our email exchange continues with "Officer Sarge" giving me the name of his courier company that my character needs to jack with.  A quick "how do you do" email nets this response from the couriers:

 

 

PACIFIC  OCEAN   SECURITY COMPANY

DELIVERY OF CONSIGNMENT WORLD WIDE.
ALZUFRAN PLAZA BLOCK C15  AJIMAN  U.A.E. DUBAI
Email: pacific_ocean1@hotmail.com
CUSTOMER SERVICES DEPT: MS HALIMAT JIBRITel: +971528398772 
Attention: Jack N. Ewehoff  
File No;Ref 13/05/14
Date/21-08-2014

With Reference to the Email our company Received  In Regards to the Delivery of the Consignment that was Deposited in our Custody by  Sgt  Jason Campbell, and we have  been also Officially inform to Deliver the  Consignment to you by  the Depositor. Prior to these Development our company which to   Inform you that the Consignment have been Kept under our Custody for the past two years, Before our Company can proceed communication with you, Kindly send to us the following Details .

Details as Follow
 1, Your Full Name
2, Resident Contact  Address to Received the Consignment
3, scan copy of Your Identification either Passport copy or Drivers license, national ID.
4, Your Mobile Telephone Number
 
Note that as soon as will received this information from you will shall brief you the Details
of the Delivery process  so that we can commence Delivery to you within 48hours. You we  Received the Consignment in your Door Step within 48hours.
 
 
 Yours Faithfully
 Dr Ahmed Musa
 Delivery Managaer  

 

 

Oh these guys are gooood.

 

So ol' Jack responds with a cemetery address in Los Angeles, and we take the next step forward:

 

 

Good Evening From Afghanistan,

I just received your email now, Please I am very sorry for my late response, was so much busy in the military Duty Post.  Thank you so much for the correspondence between you and the security company in Dubai, I have also received further directive from the security company they inform me that all the Consignment Delivery Process have been given you.  Please kindly keep me Posted as soon as you Meet up with the Consignment Delivery Handling Expense so that i myself can monitor the exact Date and Time the consignment will be Deliver to your Resident contact Address.  I really Appreciate your Assistance and your Confident you bestowed on me, You have to keep this Transaction Confidential and secrecy till the consignment Deliver to you.  

 

 

I'm sure he do.  Anyway, my character banters back and forth with both Officer Sarge and the courier company with drivel like this:

 

 

Good Day From Afghanistan,

I just received your response now , I am  very happy with the development

between you and the security company, Please kindly keep me posted as soon as you have been able to raised the needed Charges so that you can received the consignment on time, You have to give me Date and Time by which the  consignment will be Deliver to you so that I can advice you on what to do.  My regard to your family.  

 

 

Sarge, rest assured that we're on the road to a just conclusion here.  While I appreciate your regards to my family, I ask you to refrain from regarding them; they are dead.  

 

 

That doesn't land much of reaction, while the couriers do get around to putting a price to what they expect my character to wire to them:

 

 

Attention: Jack N. Ewehoff  
File No;Ref 13/05/14
Date/21-08-2014

We just received your Email and your full Contact Information for the shipment of the consignment that was Deposited by Sgt Jason Campbell in Custody  to your Resident Contact Address. Note that before our company can proceed with you in regards to the shipment of consignment to your Resident Contact address in  (  4334 Whittier Blvd  Los Angeles CA 90023 ). You will be required to make the payment  of (Eight Hundred and Fifty Dollars  ) which is meant for Handling and  Administrative Charges  of  the consignment .

Please kindly be inform that the reason why you need to Make the payment to us is that without the Handling   and Administrative Charges, The Consignment will not Be Release for shipment by the Security Storage Room of our Company, The Shipment Invoice will be Forwarded to you as soon as will received the needed charges of the consignment from you, and will shall commence immediate Delivery of consignment to you within 24 hour by our  Delivery Officer. You will be required to transfer the ($850 ) to our Regional Head Office in (New Delhi ) India with Below Details

HERE IS THE  WESTERN UNION TRANSFER INFORMATION

RECEIVER NAME: Mr  Mark Anthony 

LOCATION: New Delhi,  India

POSITION: Regional  Head Officer

Tel;+919717737698

Note that as soon as you transfer the amount by western union You will be required to send to us

the sender information as Follow

1, Sender Name

2, Amount Send $850

3, mtcn  number  

 

 

So an Officer Sarge in Afghanistan is using a consignment courier in Dubai and I have to wire the payment to Cleopatra's late boytoy in New Delhi, India.

 

I...er Jack...feels like he's in the middle of an Indiana Jones script:

 

 

Too bad Karen Allen wouldn't do a cameo here.  Oh well.

 

So Jack buys some time to put together the payment, while deciding to see how bright a bulb Officer Sarge is with the following aside email:

 

 

Sarge, we're getting close to fruition here.  I should have the payment ready in a couple-three days.  Meantime, could you do something for me?  Could you clarify the differences you see here in these two photos?  Just a little interesting aside while I get the wire transfer prepared.  

 

Here are the two photos I asked him to comment on:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One is a World War Two photo of the USS Iowa with either the USS New Jersey or Missouri in the background; the other is a boatload of bumbling Iranian militia, or something akin.  I realize that this might scotch the whole deal; but Officer Sarge rises to the challenge:

 

 

Dear:Jack N. Ewehoff  

Good  Evening From Afghanistan

Note that I am train Military Officer attached to Duty Post Department here in Afghanistan, The Two Photo you send are Officer Train in the Sea which are the Navy.in the two photo you send to me i can see a Ship and a Boat with some Navy Officer  Non of the Navy officer is train officer from united state.

The Navy officer  are train for the protection of the Sea port. while  the military officer  are train to fight against any War Front. 

Please kindly try as much as possible to transfer the Needed charges to the security company today and inform me as soon as you have done with the wire.  

 

 

Thank you, Sergeant.  That was very illuminating and I am pleased that you are a very perceptive individual.  I am happy to tell you that I will be making the transfer on my way to work, so I will send you an email Wednesday morning with the wire information.  I copy the courier service with this email so that they know what to expect and when.  I do apologize for the slight delay on my end, but I am sure you'll be fine with it once things are executed as intended.  

 

 

That response helped me decide how Jack was going to go about sending the wire transfer.  Not by Western Union, but by way of...well....let's just read how it plays:

 

 

Sgt Jason Campbell:  I am happy to relay to you that the transfer has been sent.  My local Western Union was flooded by unseasonably heavy rains here yesterday, but fortunately I found a workable, if unusual alternative, for delivery.  The courier company should receive the payment within two days.  Please ask them to acknowledge by email upon delivery.  

 

 

Please kindly confirm to us the payment receipt , you have to send to us the scan copy 
of the payment receipt .   

Regards

Dr Ahmed Musa  

 

 

I don't have a scanned copy to send you.  Instead, I'm sending you payment via secure airmail delivery.  

 

 

Good  Evening From Afghanistan

Please you said you have send the charges to the security company, I want you to explain to me how you transfer the money  either by western union or any other means of transfer , kindly reply me urgently

Regards
Sgt Jason Campbell  

 

 

Sarge, the payment is sent to the security company.  I am using a special courier service.  100% guaranteed or my money back.  I believe in them.  You should too.  

 

 

Good  Evening From Afghanistan

The Security Company only received payment by western union or money gram, please you have to collect your money back from your special courier company and send the charges by western union to the security company.  Please kindly inform me if you know you are not capable to help

me clear the consignment from the security company, so that i can know what to do

Regards

Sgt Jason Campbell  

 

 

We do not accept payment by Airmail Delivery, we only accept payment by western union or money Gram.    Regards   Dr Ahmed Musa  

 

 

Officer Sarge and Ahmed, the payment is enroute by way of Jurassic Air Courier Services, so be prepared to receive it.  Should arrive Thursday.  The trained pteryducktyl's name is Seymour.  Throw him a sheep upon arrival and he'll gladly surrender the leg flask containing the cash.  The courier company assured me that Seymour is certified JACS and fully protected under the Federal Endangered Feces Act.  The Sarge should certainly appreciate the latter.  

 

Oh, and when Seymour delivers the cash to you, would you put a confirmation receipt in his leg receptacle so I have it for my records?  Thanks ever so.   Jack N. Ewehoff  

 

That got one last reply from my good buddy the Officer Sarge, as his badly devolving Indiana Jonesesque saga unravelled:

 

are u f**king kidding here?  

 

Not at all.  His name really is Seymour.  Have a sheep ready when he arrives, or you'll never get near the leg receptical with the cash in it.  

 

 

I'll never know if Officer Sarge had that sheep ready or not.

 

But I am pretty sure I know what R. Lee Ermey would have had to add to this....