Say hello to yet another Sudanese refugee now ensconced in a Senegalese refugee camp...Lois Godlin Zamba.
I guess she wound up in the Senegalese refugee camp because her late father only managed to put together a little over $3 million USD.
She said that she was from Darfur, which suggests that benefits for Darfur arranged by celebrities like George Clooney along with 50 cents haven't meant spit, but I digress.
Here's how simply it began:
Nice to meet you dear,
I'm miss lois, i just went through your profile and took interest in you, really you have gotten my heart and all my attention left me with know option but an anxiety to know you more. Actually i wish to have you as my friend and i will be very grateful if you will accept my proposal. Please reply back to me through my email address because i am not always online and i have something that's very vital to tell you and also for further introduction. I will send you my pictures when you contact me. I believe we can move from there to the better, I await your mail.(email@example.com)
My character -- Ben Dover -- responded with one of those "tell me more" replies, and danged if she didn't go right onto tell Ben more:
Hello dear Ben,
I am very happy for your response to the email I sent to you in your address. I am very happy that we became interested in each other. I do believe that we both have to be openhearted and sincere so as to know each other well. I really want to build strong foundation of friendship with you. It takes God's love, trust and communication to make the relationship strong. So let me tell you more about myself. My name is Lois Godlin Zamba. I am 23 years old. I am single and never married before. I am 6 feet height, and 62 kg weight. My nationality is Sudan, in African continent. But presently, I am living in Senegal country. I am living in (UNHCR) United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees in Dakar, capital of Senegal, as result of the war that is going on in my country Sudan. My late father, "Engineer Richard Zamba" is the owner of (Richy Glass Industry), in Darfur, a city in Sudan, my country. Also, my late father was the deputy majority leader of the parliament before the rebels attacked our house one early morning and killed him with my mother in cold blood. It's only me that is alive now. I managed to make my way to a neighboring country Senegal with the help of United Nations peace keeping force where I am living now as a refugee. Meanwhile, I am writing to you now in a Reverend father's computer. I would like to know more about you. Your full name, your likes and dislikes, your hobbies and what you are doing presently. Attached here is my picture, I will be hoping to hear from you. Please, send me one of your picture. In my next mail, I have secret to tell you and I believe God will help us to achieve our goals. Yours truly, Lois Zamba.
Ben's response was all that Lois could have hoped for:
That is an incredible story you tell, Lois, and a frightful one too. The rebels killed your father with your mother? Used her as a bludgeon, no doubt.
Well, I am known as Ben Dover. I am 6' 2", 240 lbs. I am a widower -- my first wife died of a colossal conglomerated mucus membrance abscess when she was your age...23. We had no children in that time, and I have not remarried since. Perhaps it is providence that brings your email to me at this time; we shall see. Meantime, how can I be of service to you?
And with Lois having stoked hope, she went right onto the secret:
My dearest Ben,Thanks allot for your tactful reply. Hope you are fine today. I am sorry for delaying my reply i have a limited access to Internet due to my refugee status. In this refugee camp we are only allowed to go out from the camp only few of the weeks. It's just like one staying in the prison and i hope by Gods grace and with your help i will come out here soon. I don't have any relatives now whom i can go to all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war.The only person i have now is Reverend Father Samuel Udah who is the Reverend minister in charge of the church (saint Patrick catholic church) that is located inside this refugee camp. He has been very nice to me since i came here but i am not living with him rather i am living in the female hostel because the camp have two hostels one for men and the other one for women. The reverend pastors telephone number is (+221778772865). Feel free to call me through his number. If you call and tell him that you want to speak with me, he will send for me in the hostel.I don't have any right or privilege to any thing be it money or whatever because of my refugee status in this country, Senegal. The law of this country forbid a refugee from anything money. I am into immense agony and suffering now and I want to go back to my studies. I only attended my first year in the university before the tragic incident in my country, Sudan. Please listen to this, i have my late father's "Bank Account Statement and Death Certificate" here with me.When father was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank in London which he used my name as the next of kin (heiress). The amount in question is $3.5 (three million, five hundred thousand US dollars). So, I will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it i can travel to your country and live there to continue my studies in the university. I kept this secret to people in the camp here, the only person that knows about it is the reverend because he is like a father to me.So I want you to keep it secret too. Don't tell any person about this money because the world is full of jealousy and envious people. I do not want to lost the money or my life when I come over there. Perhaps, my proposal might come to you as a surprise and the temptation to ignore it as unserious could come into your mind; but please consider it as a divine wish and accept it with a deep sense of humility. I am aware that this is certainly an unconventional approach to starting a relationship but my sufferings in this refugee camp compelled me to disclose the secret to you.My most priority is my freedom and to further my education in the university over there and that's what prompted me into embarking on this transfer as i do not have any other remedy to my exit in this refugee camp. My favorite language is English. So I will like you to call me, i will tell you more things. Consider yourself to be in my position and come to my help. Yours sincerely, Lois Zamba.
Of course, Ben just up and went revealed her secret. Oh well. That's Ben for you. At any rate, as we progressed, I got to meet her Reverend Father Samuel Udah, her banker from the RABOBANK PLC LONDON, address of 1 QUEENHITHE LONDON EC4 3RL, UNITED KINGDOM.Email: (firstname.lastname@example.org), the esteemed and sautéed Mr Edwin Bruce (Director of finance). AND last but not least, her retained bannister, Dr. Nilson Tabuge of the Nestor Law Firm (email@example.com).
One thing refugees don't apparently lack for in a Senegal refugee camp is all sorts of help with scams.
As things developed, Bannister Tabuge concluded that for Ben to provide all the necessary documentation to the bank in London, he'd have to wire $1450 USD to hisself, Dr. Nilson Tabuge, there in Dakar, Senegal. And right up to the last minute, ol' Ben was making all sorts of sounds like he was prepared to do just that.
When, wouldn't you know, enter stage left at that last minute, Russian Anna. Anna Ivanova.
Don't Senegal refugee scammers just hate when that happens?
They're learning to.
Instead of receiving the coveted email that the money had been wired, and the needed information to claim it, Dr. Tabuge and Lois received this response -- my version of the "ice water bucket challenge" that's all the rage these days. They've waited a month for ol' Ben, only to get this cold douche:
I hate, truly HATE to be the bearer of bad news...but I must, I must: upon my arrival home from Western Union, I had to call them back and cancel the wire transfer.
Seems there's another refugee in a Senegal refugee camp...perhaps the same camp, I'm not sure. Her name is Anna.
Her story is every bit as bleak as the one Lois related, but for two differences.
(1) Her late father left her $15.9 Million USD located in a Swiss bank, and she has offered me 50% to help her get it and get out of there.
(2) She has offered me her hand in marriage upon her freedom.
Now...I was not in this for the money in the case of Lois. My sainted and late parents, God rest them, raised me to not be into anything for what I might gain, only what I might be able to collect under the table to avoid taxes.
But on top of the two things Anna offered me, she finalized the deal with this photo I just received of her. I have attached it for you to see why I am going to send the money to her, instead of Lois.
Dr. Tabuge, I am sure that when you see this picture, you'll agree that Anna is in more need than Lois: Anna hasn't got any clothes! And with 50% of 15.9 Million USD, I can afford to buy Anna all the clothes she needs.
Pass along my regrets to Lois...I'm sure she understands.
Lois was much upset with me and wanted to have speaks with this Anna:
It pained me to my marrows to receive this kind of mail from you as i never believed that you will treat me in this way. It's obvious that you are having some doubts about me having received a mail from Anna who claims to be in the refugee camp here. Can you forward her contact email address and phone number as it will help me to know who she is? Be that as it may, i will not fail to tell you that i am 100% real, sincere and honest to you. Really, my most priority is my freedom and to further my education there in America and that is what prompted me into trying to embark on this transfer but it surprises me that you are having some doubts about me because of the mail you received from the so called Anna. Please do away with doubts because i am real, sincere and honest to you. I am hoping solely on you and beckon you to please do all that you can so as to make sure that i am a free person soonest.
How could Ben NOT respond to that? Answer..he couldn't resist:
If you wish to contact Anna, I can arrange that, Lois: her email is firstname.lastname@example.org. She has never given me a phone number, so I don't think she has one. As for which Senegalese refugee camp she is in, I cannot say; she gives a Reverend Dr. Joel Micah as her contact, and his email is email@example.com.
I am sorry Lois, but she has more money set aside for me, and well...she has no clothes. Did you SEE the picture she sent me? If not, I will send it to you. She has no clothes. I cannot overlook that. In any event, once I have her situated, with 50% of 15.9 million USD at my disposal, helping you will be a piece of cake.
So not only has Ben dragged Anna, naked into this; he also dragged a Rev from another Senegalese refugee camp scammer, Rev Joel Micah, in as well. Ben can hardly wait to hear what, if anything, Lois hears from either of them.
As for Dr. Tabuge, the bannister...he takes a more neutered legal approach:
Ben dover, you will not fail to note that we have legal agreement and that I has all of your emails showing legal agreement, and if you fails to abide your agreements I will have to take you up before the UN for this breech of contact. Think well your next steps here.
I have always enjoyed threats from scam bannisters. Kind of a trophy in and of itself. So that he doesn't feel like the threat was totally wasted:
Bannister Tabuge, I can see where you might think that your email would put the fear of the UN in me. It did, but only until a bowel movement removed it completely and utterly from my system. So now where is you left? Hmmmm? Our agreement was non-binding and unenfarcible by any legal standards now in practice in Washington, DC, home of the lost email and crashed hard drive. And you will note that I do not fall under the legal dictates of the UN, or Senegal, or Uranus, or any three dimensional burst of cosmic flatulence, heretofore, five, six, or any other position of the ticking crock.
What's more, my bannister of note -- the esteemed and sautéed Seymour PetRock, PGC* -- hasn't failed to note that your corpus delecti, having been consumed by your e pluribus anus, is non sequitur and hacktoid aforetold therewithin and therewithinby the party of any part. In short, you are full of flieger schiesse, lacking a flight plan or place to land with plausible deniability denied plausibly.
Being a bannister, my bannister assumes you know what that means once it's run through Gooble Translate so as to make it readable within your tribal drum circle.
File your motions in accordance with the Oracle of the Burundi Giraffe Convention of 2005, and call me in the morning.
Dr. Nilson Tabuge apparently didn't think much of Ben's response...'cuz he let me know that he was serious mad with his all caps reply:
BE WARNED, DON'T WRITE TO THIS ADDRESS AGAIN IF YOU IF YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS WITH YOUR DEALS.
Those all caps warnings work so well on ol' Ben. So much so that....
Well, tell me Mr. Bannister man...I guess your UN threat was pretty empty, huh? So widdout them, what will happen if I write to this address again, hmmm? What can you do, hmmm? Besides warn me in all caps? Those oh so bad-ass all caps? Go ahead Mr. Bannister man...hit me with your best threat.
Whatever Dr. Nilson Tabuge thought of that taunt will never be knowd. What is knowd is, Anna is ruining a lot of scammer dreams in Senegal, and perhaps even hearing about it.
Not to mention, while perhaps generating a few wet ones...
UPDATE: Ms Lois contacted another of my email addys...now my character Jack N. Ewehoff is having his turn. If it turns out any more entertaining, we'll do a sequel...