The Great Illumi-Nutties

Would you believe it?  This is post #900.

Which somehow makes the subject at hand curiously non sequitur...

Sometimes my pet rock, Seymour, gets all the fun.

Like when he got this email:

CONGRATULATION
Dear friend your email was selected among the ten lucky people giving the opportunity of becoming rich and popular by joining the great Illuminati network for more details please contact Mr Wesson Dan via email
(great_illuminati@qq.com) for more details join today and see all your dreams come true.

What else could Seymour do, but accept:

Sign me up!  

Little did Seymour know what it was he was being signed up for.  But in the next email...he wasn't much 'illuminati-ed':

Dear New Member

 If you are really intrestend in the revolution of man kind and will like to also stand as of the heroes who will join us to make this new world order that we are trying to make a reality come to pass. then you are here by adivice to kindly fill out the illuminati candidate form attached to the mail.

There is significant agreement  about the Joining Illuminati in two key areas. It now seems vital to clarify these two points right up front so those affected do not waste their time or ours, and to help avoid hurt feelings and bitter reactions:

1. Rich and Famous:

The Illuminati does control the entertainment industry. If instant you need fame and free money you need make ritual sacrifice of any nature. make your dream come true by joining Illuminati today.

2. Religion:

 Ritual sacrifice is required to join. The Illuminati is a nonreligious organization in exactly the same way that governments should be nonreligious. This calls alone all the religious believers who need extra powers and forces to join Illuminati today to make things the way you may need it to be.

There are many Illuminated groups, with different kinds of secret knowledge. Anything you might say about them (including this) will be false for some of the Illuminati, but true for others, which only adds to the confusion and mystery.

 

 RULES

* You must be above 18 years of age.

* You must have full access to the internet.

* You must not discuss the secret of the Illuminati to anyone.

* We are not interested in anyone who has obtained their knowledge about the Illuminati based on what they’ve HEARD from Mass Media (News or Performing Arts), Conspiracy Theorists (Amateur or Professional Authors or Speculators), Internet Rumors, or other HERESY.

* Once you join the Illuminati within one week of your membership you will achieved the greatest goal in life and also have wealth and fame.

*To any group as rich as the Illuminati, a few million dollars are nothing.

* The money ALWAYS flows TOWARDS Illuminati members...

And AWAY from NON Illuminati members...

One of the rules of the Illuminati is "We don't talk about the Illuminati" so I can't say too much about it here. If you are truly interested fill out the form.  

 

The 'form' they spoke of looks like this:

 

 

It would appear that there is now a 'Great Illuminati' chapter in Nigeria. 

Now, Seymour's pretty busy as pet rocks go.  So he asked me to "handle his light work".

I do have a smart ass for a pet rock.

"Am NOT!!!"

At any rate, I decided a wee bit of an edit to the acceptance letter from Illumi-Nutties was in order:

Dear New Member

 If you are really intrestend in the revolution of man kind and will like to also stand as of the heroes who will join us to make this new world order that we are trying to make a reality come to pass. then you are here by adivice to kindly fill out the illuminati candidate form attached to the mail, after having douched it with Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer.

 

Don't ask us...it's just what they tell us to tell you to do.

One rule for a prospective new Great Illuminati:  you never question typos from our Master of Kahoona Yab Loobloo.  Worry not, this will be explain to you in good time once you are accepted as a new Great Illumnati.  In other words, until you are Great Illumnati, your explanation will be a great Illumi-not-yeti.

There is significant agreement  about the Joining Illuminati in two key areas. It now seems vital to clarify these two points right up front so those affected do not waste their time or ours, and to help avoid hurt feelings and bitter reactions:

1. Rich and Famous:

The Illuminati often gropes themselves and deludes that they does control the entertainment industry. If instant you need fame and free money you need make ritual sacrifice of any nature, then join Scientology and you can get screwed two times at once by them and us.  That make our dream come true by you thinking you're joining something that matters....ha.  'Tis for us to laugh.

2. Religion:

 Ritual sacrifice is required to join. Do you have a special pet to which you are closely attach?  To join us, you must do ritual sacrifice of this pet.  If not pet, a coveted toy, possession, genital...something that you must ritual sacrifice for the greater Illuminati to know that you are one with Oobligalla.  Yes, that's Oobligalla. 

Our disclaimer here which is to make not much sense but some to some and none to others is this:  the Illuminati is a nonreligious organization in exactly the same way that governments should be nonreligious in so far as not bowing to a deity that looks remotely like Hillary Clinton's ass. This calls alone all the religious believers who need extra powers and forces to join Illuminati today to make things the way you may need it to be in so far as how it wasn't or isn't, but could or couldn't once you have ritualed your sacrifice in such a manure as to have done that which is needed to do to make that which isn't now is.  This is, of course, hokum, but you don't know that until you join.

There are many Illuminated groups, with different kinds of secret knowledge, others with hair on their teeth and secret vaginas in their armpits. Anything you might say about them (including this) will be false for some of the Illuminati, but true for others, which only adds to the confusion and mystery of those with secret vaginas in their armpits.

 

 RULES For Prospective ILLUMINATI:

* You must be old enough to have sex with a kielbasa.

* You must have full access to the internet since we keep much of our porn here.

* You must not discuss the secret of the Illuminati unless someone asks what's making you act so f**ked up lately.

* We are interested in anyone who has obtained their knowledge about the Illuminati based on what they’ve HEARD from Mass Media (News or Performing Arts), Conspiracy Theorists (Amateur or Professional Authors or Speculators), Internet Rumors, or other HERESY.  Now, if you hear about us from Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, that might make you eligible for our special discounted ILLUMI-NUTZOID Special, which we discuss when you join.

* Once you join the Illuminati within one week of your membership you will achieved the greatest goal in life and also have wealth and fame along with genital warts and butt polyps several feet long.

*To any group as full of sh*t as the Illuminati, a few million dollars are enough to make us wet dream about sex with spider monkees.

* The jackwagon load of impropaganda and general horkus puckem ALWAYS flows TOWARDS Illuminati members...And AWAY from NON Illuminati members...which makes you wonder why you should join this collection of abject douche nozzles.

One of the rules of the Illuminati is "We don't talk about the Illuminati because we're so full of sh*t" so I can't say too much about it here. If you are truly interested fill out the form.

Best Regards,

Wesson Dan

a third less calories than Crisco  

 

Sometimes the scammers read the edit and figure out they've gone as far as they're gonna.  Apparently not these scammers:

Dear New Member

 If you are really interested in the revolution of man kind and will like to also stand as of the heroes who will join us to make this new world order that we are trying to make a reality come to pass. then you are here by advice to kindly fill out the Illuminati candidate form attached to the mail.  

 

So Seymour did:

 

Here's my requested information:

Full Name:  Seymour Petrock

Date of Birth:  1-1

Country:  currently USA

State:  Colorado

Phone:  303-***-****

Occupation:  Geologic

Money worth:  more than enough

Email Address: *************@yahoo.com

 

Seymour even went so far as to include his photo, as requested:

 

And what do you suppose Seymour got back in response?

 

congratulation your email address has just been screened by our board of directors and your email has been approved so in any moment from now you will be one of us. well you are to make contact with a woman called Mrs Laurie Campbell, she works as a express courier service tell her that mr wesson dan send you to her concerning your initiation matirials ok below are the details to get in tourch with  her.Attached to this message is my own illuminati membership id kindly dowload to take a propal look at it.

Dear new member,Congratulations the first phase of initiation process has been completed , the first meeting for new members to be fully initiated and acknowledge  by  the high and top members  of the GREAT ILLUMINATI will be held next seven(7) days in long beach California. that also the day you will be meeting the other nine that where also selected.

contact Mrs Laurie Campbell  at

Email: express_courierservice@outlook.com

for  your   membership items/ materials  including your rialacha(rule

and regulations), these items is a must for ILLUMINATI new members. we expect to see you at the initiation ceremony in the next seven (7)

days. Once again congratulations and remember you are to tell no one

about this.

kind regards 

 

And here's Alias Dan 'n Wesson's alleged photo:

 

So now Seymour follows up by contacting this Laurie Campbell...

And what does Seymour get BACK from Laurie Campbell?  *TOING*:


These secret materials have been securely sealed and packed for security reasons which makes it impossible for anyone to view it until its been delivered to you. Please select from the delivery Options below, for safe delivery of your package:

 

  

DHL (1 DAY DELIVERY)
Mailing:                   $500
Insurance:                $400.00
Handling charges:  $100.00
Vat:                          $50.00
TOTAL:                   $1050 USD

 

 

FEDEX (3 DAYS DELIVERY)
Mailing:                  $300.00
Insurance:               $250.00
handling charges:  $100.00
Vat:                          $50.00
TOTAL:                   $700 USD

 

 

UPS (7 DAYS DELIVERY)

Mailing:                   $150.00
Insurance:                $100.00
Handling charges:   $100.00
Vat:                            $50.00
TOTAL:                    $400 USD

 

Note: You are to choose the delivery option you can afford to pay for the delivery of your package and get back to us so that you can be instructed on how to make the payment.

Confirm Delivery address in This Form Below (which is a rather cheeseball form, but eh..).

 

So Seymour filled it out (with help) and just forgot to choose which method he wanted to get screwed by.

 

Now we wait...for a day:

 

 Dear sir
Thank you so much for your response i just seen your address well sir please kindly tell us which of the delivery option you choose so we can be sure of your choice of delivery thanks.  

Okay..I choose having my secret documents about the Illuminati delivered via Fed Ex.  Thank you.  

Dear Sir

We receive your mail and the content was well noted you have chosen the option Fed Ex Express which is Seven hundred dollars you are therefore advice to pay with the details below as soon as we receive your payment all items listed will be send to you asap.kindly use any of the close western union close to you in making the payment. pay with our fed ex express manager name below are the details to make the payment.

FOR PROCESSING PAYMENT DETAILS:

below are the details

.Receiver Name: Ceesay Abdoulie

Address: Dakar Senegal.

After payment you are to send the follow details below:

Sender Name:

Sender address:

MTCN Number:

Amount Sent:

Text Question and Answer if required : 

 

FEDEX (3 DAYS DELIVERY)
Mailing:                  $300.00
Insurance:               $250.00
handling charges:  $100.00
Vat:                          $50.00
TOTAL:                   $700 USD  

Just so that I am clear on this...this payment I am making is for the highly secret Illuminati materials that I am signed up for, correct?  I won't spend $700 for just anything.  Confirm for me that this is for the Illuminati materials.
 

I receive your mail and the content was well noted sir listen the items that are to be sent to you and also the money that you have been requested to pay are for the parcel and the choice of delivery which you have chosen OK. so what you are paying for is for the Illuminati books and secret materials that are to be sent to you. as soon as we receive your payment today please do forward us the slip given to you by the western union once you make the payment to Dakar Senegal so we can forward the slip to our board of directors and also fix a well and comfortable room for you to stay when you arrive to long beach California where the final ceremony is going to be held. all we await right now is your payment details to enable us forward your slip of payment to the high and top chief members.

With Regard

Express Courier

Thank you for your confirmation of what I'm paying for.  Payment will be sent shortly.

Seymour PetRock.

 

And now, while I make them wait, I sent this to the Illumi-nutsack:

Thank you for this great invitation.  I am in process of paying for the shipping fee so that I can read all about the Illuminati from their perspective.  I have already read about the Illuminati from the Nigerian perspective.  I wish to compare perspectives.

Seymour 

 

Ok as soon as you get the rule book and every other items with it just email me and let me know ok.

 

Of no great surprise, he didn't read closely what I writ...but eh.  Meantime, the 'courier' speaks:

 

as soon as you make the payment kindly send us the details asap thanks. 

 

Since this scam is all about Seymour, I think I'll use my good ol' stand by 'Seymour Bucks' to make the payment:

 

Seven of these emailed to the courier service should just about do it. 

And here's the email that accompanied the 'payment':

Dear Express Couriers:  since this package you're delivering to me is all about the secrets of making money -- the Great Illuminati way -- I thought it appropriate that I pay you in my own 'Great Illuminati way' with my own personal $100 bills.  Attached you'll find seven of them.  Print them and you are paid.

It's that easy.

This Great Illuminati thing is a piece of cake, dudes.  You oughta sign up yourself.

 

 I don't expect this is gonna be received well.  It wasn't:

Is that what you think?? then sign your self up.  Bastard!

I told you it was ill-received  ;-)  At any rate, I'm sure Seymour was pleased to find out that he's a 'bastard'.

"Am NOT!!!"

Nor are you a Great Illuminati, Seymour.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTT!!!!!"

Pet rocks is so fractious...