Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Whenst The Whereas Is Appended...

Ain't this purdy?

Looks almost offishul, don' it?

Yep..some scammers can do it up purdy.

Like Alvin Brown.

He claims he's a "soljur".  A US "soljur".  He fit in Afghanistan. 

And found a sh**pot of money there.

He says.

Now he needs ME to hep him get it over h'yar.

Well, Alvin ain't a complete dummy; he went and got hisself a very nice legal agreement that he and my character were to sign off on, before he went and gived me the business.

Here's a portion of it...for you lawyer folks out there, it orta impress you:


FUNDS MANAGEMENT AGEREEMENT
MEMORANDUM OF UNDERSTANDING This FUNDS MANAGEMENT AGREEMENT (the "Agreement") made and entered into in London, UK executed by MR. ALVIN BROWN of 32 Alexandra Rd, Gorseinon, SWANSEA UK, SA4 4NJ London (hereinafter referred to as the "Investor" which expression shall where the context admit, include his next of kin, legal representatives and assigns) and BEN DOVER of *** ******* Street, Central City CO 80427 USA (hereinafter referred to as the "Funds Manager")  For and in consideration of the mutual covenants contained herein and for valuable services, receipt and sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, the parties hereto agree to enter into this Funds Management Agreement.
WHEREAS, the Funds Manager hereby irrevocably certifies, represents and warrants, on behalf of the Investor with full corporate authority and responsibility, under penalty of perjury, that he has full responsibility for the amount of investment and with full power to sign and manage the investment...(yada, yada, yada)


Besides his template having 'agreement' typoed, it ain't bad.  Not bad at all.

But it don' look like dat no more.

Nawp...the one that my character signed and sent back has had a bit of 'creative editing' applied to the text, by the party of the second part (with a different designation to come).  Mayhaps any of my legal friends/readers out there will recognize the basic "Law Verbiage 101" that worked it's way into the text:


FUNDS MISMANAGEMENT AGREEMENT
MEMORANDUM OF MISUNDERSTANDING

This FUNDS MISMANAGEMENT AGREEMENT (the "Instrument of Ca-ca") made and entered into in London, UK executed via onion flatulence by MR. ALVIN BROWN of 32 Alexandra Rd, Gorseinon, SWANSEA UK, SA4 4NJ London (hereinafter referred to as the "Douche Nozzle" which expression shall where the context admit, include his next of kin, legal representatives and assigns) and BEN DOVER of *** ******* Street, Central City CO 80427 USA (hereinafter referred to as the "Fun With Texts Manager")


For and in consideration of the mutual covenants contained herein and for valuable services, receipt and sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, the parties hereto agree to enter into this Funds MisManagement Agreement.


WHEREAS, the Fun With Texts Manager hereby irrevocably certifies, represents and warrants, on behalf of the Douche Nozzle with full corporate authority and responsibility, under penalty of nodda damn thing, that he has full responsibility for the amount of bullsh*t this document implies and with full power to sign and say any f**king thing he wants to herein;


WHEREAS; The Douche Nozzle hereby irrevocably certifies, represents and warrants, under penalty of having his penis eaten by locusts, that he is duly authorized as the Douche Nozzle and has full possession of 10,000,000 Iranian Crotch Crickets, and the Crotch Crickets are well contained until such time as they are not to be contained any more, at which time it’ll suck to be wherever those f**king little beasties are loose.


THEREFORE; in consideration of the mutual Agreement, the Fun With Texts Manager and Douche Nozzle, both parties hereby jointly agree to try to f**k over one another, and may the best man win, which will likely be the Fun With Texts Manager, because the Douche Nozzle has already demonstrated dubious antecedence, brain atrophy, and a shrunken penis after having sodomized Afghan goats.


ARTICLE 1. TERMS AND CONDITIONS
The purpose of this Agreement is a jackwagon load of pork cous cous, and doesn’t mean fallopian tubes in the scheme of whatever the Douche Nozzle intended in the first place. Results will be 0% to the Douche Nozzle and 100% to the Fun With Texts Manager. Snerx.


ARTICLE 2. RIGHT GRANTED
The Douche Nozzle guarantees with full responsibility that he is, in fact, a douche nozzle, with authentication papers and a mama that will certify it, once she finishes banging all the soldiers in the Syrian Army barracks.
The Fun With Texts Manager guarantees the Douche Nozzle to give him 100% scambaiting sh*t 100% of the time, under the "imprudent man gets f**ked rule" and accept and follow not one of the Douche Nozzle’s instructions as to how this sh*t was supposed to have gone down.


ARTICLE 3. COMMUNICATION NOTICE  
 
All notices, designations, consents, rejections, acceptances, clusterf**ks, twatwaffles, ruptured ducks and/or anything heretofore or afterfive, or any other communications given, shall be sent via e-mail of the Parties, only in very special circumstances shall the communication be by carrier pterodactyl.


ARTICLE 4. GENERAL PROVISIONS
1. This Agreement represents the entire agreement between the Parties hereto, thereby and WTF, and is binding only to the Douche Nozzle.
2. All warrants and representations herein shall survive the closing of this Agreement. After closing...it’s a f**king mosh pit, dude.
3. It is duly understood that in the events any section of this Agreement should be voided or is unenforceable under competent authority or provisions of law, in arbitration or in court, the remaining articles of the Agreement shall make the court laugh its’ ass off.
4. The Douche Nozzle and the Fun With Texts Manager shall be unequally bound; Fun With Text Manager is free to do what the f**k he wants, and the Douche Nozzle is stuck with it thus.
5. This Agreement is signed in two counter-parts, both of which shall have differing levels of bindance; 100% on the Douche Nozzle, and 0% on the Fun With Texts Manager.


ARTICLE 5. GOVERNING LAW
This Funds MisManagement Agreement and any controversy or claim arising from the compliance or violation of the same will be construed and interpreted in accordance with the laws of the planet Uranus and Douche Nozzle will be expected to appear at the preliminary hearing of the said court.


ARTICLE 6. FORCE DOJOUR
Should any of the Force DOJOUR circumstances, including but not limited to natural calamity, fire, floods, war, no soup for you, hostility, civil commotion, cattle rape, fall-down-go-booms, embargoes, strikes, lock-outs, barlighting disasters, farts in elevators, genital warts or intestinal blockades, preventing the Fun With Text Manager from wholly or partially carrying out his contractual obligation, the Douche Nozzle is 100% liable to pay all expenses and fees incurred by the Fun With Texts Manager.


ARTICLE 7. PROTECTION OF CONFIDENTIALITY
It is the duty and responsibility of the Fun With Texts Manager to do everything in his power to publish and publicize , in the most unconfidential manner, all information relating to persons and the investment, surrounding and connected with the transaction under his management.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF; the Parties to this Agreement set their signatures and duly executed the foregoing instrument of ca-ca or caused the same to be executed on the date hereunder written.
Agreed to and Accepted by: Agreed to and Accepted by:


On the 13
th day of June, 2013       on the __21___ day of _June__, 2013
 
-----A. Brown------------------- ___
Ben Dover________
 
 
Signed: ALVIN BROWN. Signed: BEN DOVER



It might take Alvin a few days to digest all this; in which case he'll proceed as if he hadn't read what I sent him back and that all is on schedule for him.  OR...he'll read it, and I hear not a nuddah woid from Alvin Brown.

*Jeopardy Theme*...

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2 Comments:

Blogger Right Truth said...

Mismanagement, right.

Nice document and nice image to go with it, but not nice enough to fool you.

Reminds me of the newest immigration bill, over 1,000 pages of legalese with all kinds of crap included. The legal experts probably can't agree on what it all means, with a clause to do away with every requirement. Worthless.

Debbie
Right Truth
http://www.righttruth.typepad.com

26 June, 2013 09:18  
Blogger Sandee said...

It would probably fool some libtards I know, but that's about it. Bwahahahahahahaha.

I'll surprised if you hear from Alvin.

Have a terrific day. My best to Seymour. ☺

26 June, 2013 09:32  

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