The Unappreciated Editor
I should know. I find myself in the ununique position of being both a writer AND an editor. Not only do I have to edit the crap that I do...I have to edit a lot of crap from scammers.
It's a thankless job. Good thing I'm not getting paid for it. Well actually, I've been offered over a billion dollars by the scammers.
Not a penny of which was offered for my editing of their emails.
Forget the fact that not a penny of which was worth a penny, collectively. Bottom line here is, I am an unappreciated editor. And I'll prove it.
Recently I received a job offer from a Mr. Smith Jones, representing A-A Industries, located in Great Britain, and wanting me to be, in essence, an account receivables clerk for their US-based clients. I would receive 10% of the the client payments that I processed for A-A.
Mr. Jones' email was a bit skimpy and lacking in substantive details. So I allowed my 'writing eye' and my 'editing eye' to have a go at his email. The result, I think, was a crossing of those eyes:
Yes, you. We want you. We're talking to you. Stop looking around the room. It's you we're talking to.
I am Mr. Smith Jones the director of A-A INDUSTRIES LTD United Kingdom. Don't laugh at my name; it took my parents one helluva long time to come up with it. They were illiterate muslim pig farmers in Toledo when I was born.
Yeah, try to figure that one out. I can't.
Anyway, my parents had low expectations for me as I grew up. You see, I sat on the stoop all day, picking and eating my boogers. I found it satisfying. My parents found it disgusting that I wouldn't share. I told them to get their own. They didn't think that very nice.
Anyway...I grew up to be a researcher of the strange and inobvious. And occasionally, when I came upon an strange and inobvious idea, I acted upon it. One of which was the Booger Sautee 'n Fry Cooker by Islam-o, the maker of the Reuseable Suicide Vest by BLAM-O which didn't work, although the experimenters all went out with a bang.
As Achmed the Dead Terrorist said, "I make joke!" Eh...it's funnier in Farsi.
At any rate, I decided to devote myself to genetic gerrymandering, specializing in cross-speciological breeding, to come up with creations never before seen, other than Roseanne Barr and Michael Moore. My first attempt was the cellular gerrymandering of a komodo dragon and a salamander. The first-ever Salamodo was borrowed by that Spielberg fella for Jurassic Park IV, and after it ate half the CGI crew, they shot it.
Now the bastards are suing me. Infidels.
So I went for something that combined two things much less volatile, assuming that I could create a creature that would get me into the Guiness Book of World Records. It did – as the world’s biggest dumb ass. I think I should be honored, but I am not sure.
I genetically engineered the sub-atomic cell structure of a platypus, and crossed it with a Yugo hatch back. I am most satisfied to say that today, my company will soon be marketing to Iranouttagas the first ever of it's kind hybrid vehicle that subsists on wetlands weeds: the Yugopus by WTF-O. We are anticipating orders from all over the world, and thus we are in looking for a representative in your region that can help in marketing the Yugopus as well as receiving payment from our anticipated customers. Every Yugopus you sell and every payment received, you will be paid in Iraqi dinars that are currently going at the rate of 1156 for one USD. You'll get 10 dinars per Yugopus sold.
I think that's more than generous, what with you being an infidel and all. Just sayin'.
If interested contact us urgently.
Mr. Smith Jones
formerly Achbar Enid Ack Phooey
cross-dressing model at the Louve in Paris
Now I want you to know that I put some time and effort into this edit. At least a half hour. That it is a half hour that I'll never get back is beside the point. The point is, I waste...er...worked on this for 30 minutes of my dubiously precious time. And what thanks did I get back from Mr. Smith Jones? Here's what he considered to be thanks for my hard work:
That's all my hard work was worth? I simply couldn't let it go at that:
And your point is what?
Then he went and said again:
Dear sir: there seems to be a design flaw in your keyboard there. Are those the only letters you were provided with?
They must have been, and Mr. Smith Jones didn't feel the need to repeat himself yet again.
So there you have it: I am an unappreciated editor. Think of how unappreciated I'd be if I was gettin' paid for this sh**...