Feeling Froggy?

I never know where I might take a scammer email rewrite, until I start the rewrite.

This one wound up as a 'leap' alright.  One the scammer did not understand.

It began as a typical scam email from a typically unimaginative scammer:

PRESIDENCY
OFFICE OF THE MINISTER OF FINANCE AND FINANCIAL MATTERS
RE: PAYMENT NOTIFICATION / FINAL ORDER.

This is to draw your attention of your unclaimed contract payment with the Federal Government and authorization has been passed to effect your contract payment on behalf of the Government, the only problem now is that we have dictated a lot of irregularities attached to your contract payment file.

"Dictated a lot of irregularities attached to your contract payment file".  I'm sure they did.

I always love finding out that somewhere in Scamland, I have a "contract payment file" that has "dictated irregularities attached".  Who knew? 

As I pondered how to respond to Mr. Richard Asumu or whatever the flock he was, a twisted idea began to form in my thrice-concussed editing mind, and from there I took a leap of nonsense:

PRESIDUNCY
OFFICE OF THE MINISTER OF FROG VAGINAS
AND PENILE MATTERS

NOTIFICATION / FINAL ORDER.

This is to draw your attention to one of the strangest emails you'll ever receive, ever.

　

The Nigerian Presidunt, and his very dubious Office of the Minister of Frog Vaginas and Penile Matters, would like to ask you the following questions:

　

(1) Did you at any time delegate any person to order you a frog vagina or penis on your behalf?

(2) Were you involved in a genital accident that would necessitate you needing either?

(3) Are you aware or related to anyone whoever had a frog vagina or penis?

(4) Can you, in 100 coherent words or less, explain why it is you think that a frog vagina or penis will serve you as effectively as a human version, and perhaps more effectively than comparable models from manatees, platypus, or wombats?

　

Please reconfirm and answer the above questions, and be 100% serious as you do so. While you may have reason to view this email with raised eyebrows and suspected disbelief, understand that we had to write it with the same efforts in play. Really.

　

This all came to be because an individual called Mr. Thomas Mick was involved in some very dubious sexual research involving cross species genitilia implantation, and during a most critical trial in this research phase he was attacked and eaten alive by a piranha vagina he attempted to implant in his crotch, right next to his family jewels.

　

It was the damndest thing we've ever seen since the photos of Helen Thomas in a bikini shut down our entire internet system last year, and stampeded every animal in every conceivable direction. Don’t you have laws against that?

　

Following the official protocols, you are to forward to us your answers to the above questions, so that we can ascertain whether or not you're a f**king moron or just a democrat.

Thanks for your co-operation.

Best Regard

Richard Asumu Gesundheit
Secretary to the Minister of Frog Vaginas and Penile Matters

officialmail@e-mail.ua

None of Asumu's 50 friends and colleagues bothered to reply to this curious little edit.  Asumu did, but only in feeble protest, and only once:

i not am understand this not what i send to you

Yeah, when I read it I thought that you were (a) one really perverted dude (b) a real amphibophile and/or/also (c) a democrat.

I guess I hurt his feelings, calling him a democrat.