Perusing the online headlines after work, I came across a research story from Live Science.com, that suggested that the dinosaurs were NOT wiped out by a giant meteor, 65 million years ago.
They were wiped out by not having universal hellthscare.
Yeah, that was worthy of a Godzilla face palm.
Actually, scientists think they've found the REAL reason that dinosaurs are extinct. And they spent years and probably millions on the study.
My pet rock, Seymour, was there 65 million years ago. But no one ever asks him what happened.
Not only was that Seymour expressing abject disgust...but it was a hint.
A hint that Seymour expands on, as he 'edits' a scientific study, to make it historically accurate. Don your reading specs, and prepare to be illuminated:
Flatulence, Not Meteorite, Killed Dinosaurs Without Advent Of The Elevator, Scientist Argues
SAN FRIEDCRISCO — Catacylismic dinosaur flatulence, not an asteroid, may have killed the dinosaurs, according to a new study that someone got paid to work up in exchange of stimulus funds.
Tens of thousands of years of methanic expellance from veggie-eating dinosaurs may have spewed poisonous levels of methane, sulfur and carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and caused the mass extinction through the resulting global warming and ocean smelling like an outhouse, the research suggests.
"AlGore insists that cavemen did it, but Al Gore freebases bat urine", conceded an acquaintance of the former veep and current-day moron.
The findings, presented Wednesday (Dec. 5) here at the anal meetings of Methanephysical & Pull Our Finger Research Institute – see what we just did there? – are the latest volley in an ongoing debate over whether an asteroid, volcanism, Black Friday stampede at a Walmart or flatulence killed off the dinosaurs about 65 million years ago in the mass die-off formerly known as the K-T extinction.
"Our new information demands a serious ‘WTF’ over what really caused the K-T mass extinction," said Regerta Tation, a genealogist at Prancedom University who conducted the heavily-edited study.
For several years, Tation has argued that growing and catacylsmic flatulence activity killed the dinosaurs.
But proponents of the alternative Hyplatypus hypotenuse argue that a giant taco and egg plant buffet feast at Chicxulub, Mexico, around 65 million years ago unleased toxic amounts of gas into the atmosphere, laying waste everything not equipped with a clothespin or gas mask, choking the dinosaurs and poisoning sea life. The apocalyptic ‘fart’ may also have set off volcanic activity, earthquakes, tsunamis and 20 ounce sodas.
The new research "really demonstrates that we have a crapload of people with too much time and meth on their hands, and that may contribute partially or totally to this latest effort to knock the Kardashians off the front page," said Erica Flaunt, a geologist-turned-reproductive vaginalist at the University of Lisbon in Newark, who was thankfully not involved in the research.
In 2009, oil companies drilling off the Eastern coast of India uncovered eons-old lava-filled sacred cows buried nearly 2 miles (3.3 kilometers) below the ocean surface.
Tation and her substance abuse counselors got permission to analyze the cows, finding they contained plentiful evidence from around the boundary between the Cretaceous-Tflatus periods, or K-T Boundary, when dinosaurs stopped having gas, and started a long process of becoming it.
The sacred cows bore layers of intolerant lactose that had traveled nearly 1,000 miles (1,603 km) from where particularly savage dinosaur farts had propelled them. Today, the region spans an area as big as France – and almost as flatulent – but was nearly the area of Europe before it was laid waste during what is known among researchers as The Great Pull My Claw Fart-Off.
Within the fossil flank steaks, cud species got fewer, smaller and maintained less elaborate methane defenses immediately after exposure, which would indicate it happened in years after The Great Pull My Claw Fart-Off. Most species catastrophically died off. In their wake, a hardy plankton genus with a small, nondescript exoskeleton, called Gawddangthatwuzgnarlyitis, exploded within the savage layers of bellowing methane. Tation’s team found similar trends in their analysis of the DNC, Congress, and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz’s congressional district.
While Gawddangthatwuzgnarlyitis species represented between 80 percent and 98 percent of the fossils, other species just flat disintegrated.
"We call it a megaflatulence disaster opportunist," Tation told Makin It Up As We Go Science. "It's like an onion fart — whenever things go bad, it will be the one that survives and thrives."
Gawddangthatwuzgnarlyitis may have come to dominance worldwide when the huge amounts of sulfur (in the form of cloud-bouncing fart ricochets released by The Great Pull My Claw Fart-Off) fell into the oceans. There, it would've chemically overwhelmed orcanymphopods, making for a species that no one can, to this day, draw.
Around the same time in India, sacred cows were learning to fart gregorian chant, before the apocalyptic cloud of dinosaur flatus overwhelmed them, saving the rhythmic chanting for later eras and species.
In past work, the team decided that asteroids, volcanoes, tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes, lions, tigers and bears were incapable of creating mass transit that would work in Detroit. Deciding that this was non sequitur to a salad bar at Applebees, the team decided on a re-enactment of their controversial theory, and they invited friends and family for an all-they-could-eat-salad-bar at a nearby Applebees.
The resulting en-enactment was all that the researchers could have hoped for in proving, at least to those among them who survived it: that rampant vegetation consumption by voracious dinosaurs generated incalculable build ups of methanic gastrointestinal pressures which, when unleashed, caused a chain reaction cataclysism the world has not known for 65 million years.
The now extinct Applebees used for the re-enactment -- and everything else within a lotta square miles -- is cited as proof positive that the K-T extinction was, in fact, the K-T PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT, says Tation.
"Perhaps a little less broccoli would have helped".