Wooly Bull...

Yeah, I know...this picture is so wrong.

I assure you as you read on, you'll see why this picture fits what follows here so sorta wrongly well.

A recent news item in Yahoo News caught my 'just finished abusing email scammers' attention, and being thus distracted by what I'd dun to their email scams, I saw an opportunity to have a little fun with the news as well.

Here 'tis:

Mammoth Cells Found
by Yahooz In Da Gnuz

　Dateline MOSCOW (AP) — Scientists have discovered well-preserved frozen mammoth cells deep in Siberia that may explain why some people get so fat.

Russia's North-Eastern Gulag University said an international team of researchers had discovered mammoth cells some 328 feet (100 meters) underground during a summer expedition in the northeastern province of Yakutia.

Expedition chief Semyon Grigoryev said "Finally, we have explanation, yes, for Rosie O’Donnell, Michael Moore, Chris Christy and my ex-wife Babushka Buttinski".

Grigoryev told the online newspaper Borscht it would take months of research to determine whether they could reverse how the cells make people so mammoth.

"There were no McDonalds restaurants back then, so only after thorough laboratory research will it be known whether these are THE mammoth cells responsible for making asses so big that they have to sit down in shifts," he said, adding that would take until the end of the year at the earliest.

It had been long believed that mammoth cells were inherent, indemnic, even ingrown in couch potatoes, eating Cheese Nips, canned cake frosting, and watching Oprah and The Kardashians.
 At this point a frantically-gesturing assistant stopped the press conference and after an intense, whispered conversation, Grigoryev slunk from the room red-faced while the assistant – Boris Badenov – said that the cells found in Siberia were those of wooly mammoths, and weren’t "mammoth" cells that made people fat.

With that, media interest in the subject went the way of pmsNBC’s Chris Matthews actually doing some legitimate journalism for once in his miserable life:  nowhere.

As an aside to how screwed up this article was from the outset of this edit, wooly mammoths are thought to have died out around 10,000 years ago, although AlGore thinks small groups of them lived longer in Alaska and on Russia's Wrangel Island off the Siberian coast, despite the effects of AGW on the climate and Sarah Palin hunting them.

In a perverse turn, it was revealed that scientists already have deciphered much of the genetic code of the woolly mammoth from their balls found frozen in the Siberian permafrost. Some believe it's possible to either (a) recreate the prehistoric animal if they find living cells in the permafrost, or (b) come up with the biggest plate of Ural Mountain Oysters, ever.

Those who succeed in recreating an extinct animal could claim a "Jurassic Park prize,", either for the recreated species, or the biggest culinary hors d'oeuvre to ever grace the Home Cooking Network.

The latest incarnation of Dr. Ian Malcolm – Jeff Goldblum was not available for comment – warned of "chaos theory" and urged folks in Siberia to "leave sleeping permafrosted balls lay", since he in any guise was NOT interested in living Jurassic Park IV – Mammoth Nuts Gone Wild.

One plus – according to unnamed sources inside the failing Barry Soetero re-election campai(g)n – was that if the recreated mammoth run wild, as depicted in Jurassic Park II in Los Angeles, the scientists are confident that they can blame George W. Bush for any of the resulting damages.

See?  Told ya the picture wasn't so wrong for this post...